update

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
update
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 8:16am
Hi, I have not posted here in a couples days again. Yesterday I was feeling awful again. I posted here earlier in the week and told you guys that me and ex talked and stuff he seemed to be being nice to me for a day or two. On thurs. he called and told me he wanted his son on Sat I said ok and to call me tommorrow for times and stuff. He never called to let me know what time he was picking up our son and since I had to work I made other arrangements for him. Well yesterday he calls and wants our son. I said I have arrangements for him because I was going to be away all day. He starts getting rude and angry and I got mad. I gave in though and gave my son to him. I know I shouldn't have done that though. He went to my house to pick him up and went in my house. I told my sister just to send my son out but that did not happen. He walked in I guess to get him and looked around. He then calls me up tells me my house looks and smells like s*** and that I am not taken carry of my son or my house. He said the house was filthy with dishes in the sinks and crap every where. Then he starts on if I fell that I missed out on my party years from having my son early that I can give my son to him full time and he will take care of him. I did not say anything just listened to him treat me again like crap. He then starts with the I need to move on and I need to get help because I am sick and he is only trying to help. My self esteem by the end ofthe conversation was on the floor. I started crying and actually thinking that I am a bad parent and maybe I am not taking care of myself right. I called home and my sister said everything was clean and she did not know what he was talking about. Why is he doing this to me? I hung up got my composure and called him back and told him that I will never do this again ( let him have Jakob for right know) and that how dare he talk to me like that. He has not been there everyday with my son I have. How dare he insult my house when he is living in a yucky little apt with a guy and his girlfriend with an airmattress for a bed and blankets for a couch. How does he think he is. He said I am sorry for all of this happening I told him I am not because there had to be a reason why God needed me to go through this and that I have learned a lot. Because of all this I will be a stronger person. I told him that I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to get out when I did. I thanked him for opening up my eyes and making me see the light in a sense. Then I hung up. He has not called since then nor do I want him to. I was so upset yesterday again for allowing myself to have contact and for him treating me like s*** again. My problems is I know I need not to talk to him but when he calls for some reason I always answer? It sort of like I was strong enough to end the relationship but know I am having a hard time letting go. Help?