update and need input..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
update and need input..
12
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 2:10pm

DD is refusing to go to therapist, she is angry with me and blaming me a lot. Says she does not want to see my face and worse things. Thursday when i called therapist, she spoke to her dad and for a day or so things were ok. My dilemma - I dont want to take a heavy handed approach like 911

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 7:29pm

You NEED to stop worrying about how MAD she is or will be at you and do what you KNOW is right. Her anger will be painful but in time will fade into the past.

As for refusal versus being detained...tell her what her option is...she agrees to see the therapist or she be place into 72 hour hold....if she sees and cooperates with the therapist there is no need for her friends to find out anything...if she is placed in 72 hour hold there will be NO WAY to keep her friends from finding out....her choice.

just an idea

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Sun, 07-03-2011 - 10:27pm
Winter, as long as your dd is in charge, nothing is going to happen that will help her. She is out of control and you make no effort to exert any on her, and as long as that is the way it is, that is the way it is. This isn't really an update, it's more of the same old, same old, and the input has been given to you so many times I've quit counting. There is nothing new here and we've already given you every alternative we can collectively think of. Now it's up to YOU and YOU alone. And so far, you have chosen not to do a cotton-pickin' thing except come on here with more of the same. When are you going to pull up your big girl panties and DEAL WITH THIS?? Until you grow a backbone and woman up, it ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE ONE DARNED BIT. Get it through your head, you making things "nice" for her is what has gotten you into part of this mess. You haven't held her accountable for a darned thing, all you've done is make excuses for her inappropriate, disrespectful and abusive behavior. When are you going to get your head out of the sand and face the reality of this situation? When she slits her wrists? When she od's on pills. What is it going to take for you to wake up and smell the coffee?

Mama Harmony

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 12:02am

I dont get what you are saying. Did you not get that I have moved on with DD and she is throwing a fit cos dad wont talk to her. I am sorry that some of the advice here is judgemental. I moved out, dd came with me, she (for god's sake) has threatened to take her life..last week..I have hardly slept a wink. How would YOU feel if your only DD did this? I am just asking what the step is for her next and I like Kat's idea. I have to tread on her softly. I am sorry you feel this way. Like a lot of people have said here, it is easier to say on the outside without knowing me personally and my situation. Anyway, I do thank you for all the advice you have given me so far..and that is the only reason I am able to make it out. God bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 12:34am

next time she makes a threat to harm herself or you you call 911 immediately...it is your obligation to take her threats of self harm serious and get her in a place where she cannot follow through...if they are empty threats the consequences of being held for evaluation will be a wake up call to her that it is not a good game to play with mom...if her threats are real, first you would have saved her life by putting her in a safe place and second she will be evaluated and assessed to determine what level of depression she is struggling with and placed on the correct medication with manditory counseling sessions that she has no choice but to attend...

it is hard to get the silent treatment from any parent. a teen does not understand and he is punishing and hurting her in an attempt to bully you back into his control

Congratulations with moving and finally doing something to help yourself and your daughter. The next few months will be hard and lonely even without your dd's mood swings and drama....dont reward her negitive behavior with positive consequences (mom caves and lets her have her way to prevent whatever she is threatening)...but also focus on the little things she does right and make a big deal over how proud you are that she did whatever...even if it means getting dressed in the morning....if she threatens or acts up to try to be with her friends, put her in isolation from any contact of her friends (and yes it can be done) for a week...let her know that from now on her threats will result in the exact behavior from mom she does not want....good behavor gets mom to do things she wants bad behavior gets very unpleasant consequences....I know you feel you are walking on a time bomb, and if her threats are real then you are...but you can defuse it by being brave enough to put her in hold and observation...

The cold hard facts are if she is going to commit suicide (I am sure that is your biggest fear thus the reason you cave every time she says she will hurt herself) she is going to do just that and there is NOTHING and NO ONE who can stop her...but getting her the mental evaluation she definately needs will help to steer her in a better direction away from self harm. It will be a long hard road for both of you, especially you, but to save her life the work will be well worth it....look at April and the hard road she has traveled to save E....it has not been easy and it is far from where it needs to be but she is facing each challenge head on ... you need to do just that...face each challenge head on ready for the needed battles....

But IF you truly believe her threats of self harm, it is YOUR OBLIGATION to put her in hold and evaluation...

I know it is so much easier to keep her happy and do what ever it is she wants, especially since she did move in with you and is now hurting because her dad is being a jerk....but the best you can do for her is NOT cave to her demands and have a counter negative consequence for her negative behavior....yes you are in for a war with her, much like taking a wild horse and saddle breaking it....she has been allowed to be wild and out of control and now you need to bridle her and slap a saddle on her...she is not going to hold still and is going to buck and kick and fight all she can....hold strong....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 1:04am

ouch

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 1:20am

thank you !! great advice..by the way, she has stopped saying the word "kill herself"..but she is depressed..no doubt about that. I am going to try your first input and see where it goes. I know teens are reluctant for therapy but she needs to go to a non-judgemental third party who can help process her emotions.

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 8:26am
No Winter, I did not get that you had moved out and taken her with you. I am so sorry. I thought you were still in the home. I knew that you had taken another rental not far from where the marital home was and I knew that he had filed paperwork, but no, I did not get that you had moved out. I don't think you ever actually stated that. So, knowing that, WOW, I'm so proud of you! It's not easy these first few weeks, but it will get better. Now dealing with your dd is the next challenge. So she's mad and upset, but she DID go with you. AND she didn't kill you or stay with her dad. That right there ought to tell you something. Listen to Kat. She knows what she's talking about. Oh, and my one and only child, my dd DID pull something like this one day as we were driving home. I slammed on the brakes, turned that car around and took her straight to the pediatrician's office. We didn't even slow down for the waiting room, but went right straight back to the treatment rooms and I told her docs exactly what she had said. The doctor spoke with her and me at length, and then with her alone. When we came back together, he told her that if she ever used those strong words with me again, or did anything that even remotely resembled trying to hurt herself he would sign an order putting her in a hospital so that she could be properly taken care of. We haven't had that problem since. At that point she had scared the ever living hell out of me and I love her too much to ever take a chance on losing her. She tried to manipulate me and scare me. Well, it worked, but not in the way she wanted it to and we haven't had that problem since. So yeah, in that respect, I DO know what you are going through.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2000
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 11:05am

Another thought, if she is unwilling to see a therapist, schedule her for a full physical. It is probably time anyway for the next school year. Then let the doctor know of the depression and other mood issues you are concerned about (even if it seems small and unimportant). The therapist would send her for a full physical anyway to rule out any physical causes so might as well go ahead and get that out of the way first. If the doctor knows of your concerns he/she will run some blood tests to rule out some of the basics and can actually perscribe some antidepressants...if you let her take the antidepressants put a condition that she MUST be in therapy because the medication is only a bandaid and the infection that is causing the problems still needs cleaned out (infection being the hurts inside that she is holding onto)...and if you feel she wont go have the doctor tell her that if she is going to take these she must see a therapist and possibly even recommend one he/she knows would be a good fit for your dd. You can refuse to fill the perscription until she has seen her therapist at least once (maybe even twice)...

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 12:19pm

GREAT IDEA..thank you so much

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Mon, 07-04-2011 - 3:35pm

thanks, that helps. No worries..I was being a little vague because of the situation at hand. Like I had said I will tell the whole story sometime. thanks for relating your experience with your DD.

Pages