Update and need some support!
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 07-29-2004 - 8:11pm |
I am still separated from H, sold the townhouse, moved into an apartment........
The H is in an Abusers Program, Do the words..."I have learned so much already." sound familiar to anyone. This was after two sessions!! LOL I am trying to limit my contact with him. This will be so much easier after the closing tomorrow. I have been stressed to the max between the emotional turmoil of separating, new job, selling house, finding a new place, moving etc.! But I am dealing remarkably well. Obviously I have had a few emotional meltdowns especially when the week he was going to move everything of his out.
Here is what I need some support with......
I had a miscarriage back in January. I realize that it is better that the pregnancy did not continue. Please do not say this to me. The H a few weeks back started bringing it up again. He's suddenly now realizing that we lost a child...Of course this brings up a lot of emotion for me so I am trying not to discuss it with him plus it is a manipulation. In the meantime, a former co-worker and friend (J)announced her pregnancy a month ago. I just can not be around her. I can not deal with the feelings it brings up. I feel like a terrible person but it hurts too much to hear how wonderful things are for her and the pregnancy and how her husband is so great and supportive. I am happy for her don't get me wrong. I sent her a few emails congratulating her and asking how she is. That's all I can do. I have avoided lunches she was invited to, etc. I know I can't deal with it.
Meanwhile, my other friend (K)who has been very supportive through this entire process, has started leaning on me to socialize with J. When I said I just can not right now and that I feel it is one more emotional thing that will push me over the edge, she basically said that I should not still be so affected by this. That it wasn't meant to be and my life is better now because I have left H. She said that because I mentioned that I would have been getting ready to deliver in a few weeks that obviously I never dealt with the miscarriage. In the same breath also saying how strong I am and how she is amazed how I have handled everything. I've handled it so well that she is worried I might just crack and have a nervous breakdown!! Okay....I'm in counseling, I have had my emotional meltdowns, I am OKAY!! Not great, but okay!
I was so PISSED at her!She is single, 27, lives at home and never been pregnant. How the heck does she know how this feels!? If she is so concerned that I might just crack why is she pushing me to interact with a pregnant friend knowing that it is so emotional for me??
Because I should be over it?? Everything I have read on miscarriage says that it is normal to feel sad and think about the due date. That this is part of processing it. Other women have told me that you never truly "get over it". You just deal with the emotions but there will always be a sense of loss. That being around other pregnant women can be very emotional. Not to mention that I am getting constant reminders in the mail via sample diapers, coupons, etc. Tonight I came home to find a sample box of Similac on my front step! Talk about a knife in the heart!
Am I wrong here?? I know what I can handle at this point... it is just plain suicidal for me to put myself into a situation I know will push me over the edge. I don't think it is all about the miscarriage but also what that pregnancy symbolized... that we were going to be okay, the hope of our future, that he finally accepted me. It was a new start for us. The baby was even conceived the night before Thanksgiving!
I told her this but not in the most assertive manner. I just felt I couldn't do it without completely going off on her and I wasn't in a position where I could do it without looking like a complete lunatic!
Can anyone else relate?? I have posted on the miscarriage board but they tend to mostly newer miscarriages.
Any support would be appreciated!!
Thanks!

i can fully relate to your situation. i had a misscarriage at 4 1/2 months in may - my due date is around holloween. and i have seperated from my man because of abuse too. it's a really really hard situation. our daughter was going to "save" us too, be the thing that changed everything. one of my friends is pregnant too, had a scare herself last month but now things are ok, she's on bedrest and about to burst - so beautiful, so pregnant. it's hard to be there for her, especially seeing her wear a lot of MY maternity clothes but she is my friend and i love her, so even though it's hard for me i am there for her when i can be. when i can't deal, i don't and i tell her that it's too hard for me at that time. if this woman is a friend of yours that you care about, do what you can when you can. if she's not someone that you are particularly close to, then don't pressure yourself. and for this 27yr old who has no idea, school her. tell her what it's like to loose the one thing in the world you loved the most - and at no fault of your own. who is she to tell you how to be friends with someone? sounds like exactly what you said, she's 27 and never been pregnant, so she just has no idea. and by the way, my free edition of "parenting magazine" arrived in the mail yesterday too.
good luck to you and you can write if you want to talk more. . .
K wants to know how to handle these things in the future. I told her I really don't know and explained the baby formula incident and that it set me off again. She is too young and inexperienced to really understand how this feels so I guess I can not expect her to. She tries.
As far as the pregnant friend... we were once close but that was well over a year ago. We have remained just casual friends since she was laid off from my company. So I do not feel I am jeopardizing a close girlfriend here.
Thank you again!