update and question

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
update and question
3
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 9:55pm

I haven't been here in a long time. Just wanted to let everyone know that my abuser left me a year ago and we divorced in August of this year. At the time, i was very upset and tried to work things out. It seems weird now but he was the abuser and i felt that he had no right to divorce me. I felt that if anyone was leaving it should be me. I didnt love him but i didnt want to be left.
Looking back now: I thank God he did me that favor cos i never would have had the strength to leave or would have eventualy mustered up energy a couple of kids later and with no self esteem. I'm 29 now and doing great. Just bought a house dating a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. Weird thing is I still find myself wondering if i should have fought harder for my mariage even though i know deep down getting rid of that **& ##% was the best thing that happened to me.

Tonight i got a very disturbing phonecall from my older sister who recently got married. She said her husband had tried to choke her and had punched and kicked her several times during an argument. My gut tells me its not the first time this happened and that it happened before they got married but she married him anyway. I say this because i did the same thing. She says she's had it is ready to leave and blah blah. I know its not that easy leaving as i type this shes in a hotel all alone isolated from family. We are pretty spread out and all live in different states. She's upset that shes had to leave her house (she owns the house that they live in) and wants him thrown out.

I've spoken to the rest of my family and we've all concluded she will go back. I'm just hoping she finds the strength to leave him before he really hurts her. This guy has control issues and problems with the fact that she is the main breadwinner in the marriage. He takes feeling inadequate out on her and tries to show her "who the man is " by bashing her.

I'm worried about my sister. No one in my family knows i was abused too. I'm wondering if theres something in the way we were brought up that makes us susceptible to picking these crazy men. I have 2 sisters, dad died when we were young and my mother raised us. No boyfriends that i knew of and no i never saw her get hit.
Just wondering if there is anything that shows that its genetic cos i'll be damned if my little sis picks out a psycho too.

I have so many questions on abuse. Like why i've blocked it out like it never happened to me. And why i'm so ashamed to let people know. I might be able to help someone and i'm ashamed for not speaking out about it and trying to pretend it didnt happen. Its almost like I'm protecting my ex husband

I could post all night and go on and on. I'm probably not making much sense now anyway. Please keep my sister in your prayers and say a little prayer for me too. Complete healing even after its over takes awhile.

Thanks for reading and please excuse typos its been a long evening/night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 12:18pm
I think sometimes it's the women who are too kind and good that get abused. The bit---s just woudn't stand for it from the get go. It is possible to be too nice, too forgiving, and too likely to blame yourself for his ugly personality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Sat, 12-31-2005 - 10:17pm

Littlengine,

You are headed in the right direction, be strong. I am a survivor after 35 years and now trying to help my little sister of 30 years. We had wonderful parents, 62 years together, and they were roll models, never seeing how ugly relationships could be, we stuck it out believing it would get better. We both waisted years than can never be again. You are young and you do not have to put up with anyone who doesn't have the highest respect for you. Don't love someone who doesn't deserve you. Be safe and take care of yourself and start a new year.

Luv, Sher

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 11:22pm

I was one of those women who were too kind and too forgiving. I haven't posted in a while here, but this post got my attention. I was in an abusive marriage for 7 years, and he still managed to abuse me for four years after we divorced. But the minute I changed my mindset and stopped feeling sorry for him, stopped making excuses for him, and became the biggest B in the world, his whole attitude changed completely. I made a conscience effort to become more assertive, and basically learned how to "manipulate the manipulator."

It just happened about 6 months ago. I got counseling on ways to respond and deal with him. It helped me tremendously! My abusive ex husband and I get along much better now that I've learned to respond to him in certain ways, truly in a sense it is all about out-manipulating. I had to find ways to cope, I have to deal with him the next 10 years!

P.S. I am a survivor. He is working on his next "victim." He got remarried last year. He hasn't hit her yet that I know of, but I do know he treats her like dirt. I feel bad for her, but in a way, for me it's about validation. To know that it wasn't my fault in the marriage, he's starting to treat her just like he did me.