update---court today, very bad day

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
update---court today, very bad day
2
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 3:37pm


First of all, my lawyer couldn't make it so he sent a substitute, a very old man with a high squeaky voice who did not advocate for me at all. He just let his lawyer pound on me verbally with lie after lie, the essence of which was that I had "deep issues" and that I have refused to work. The deep issue part was that I think my husband is awful and that I got angry one time because he moved silverware and I didn't think he had a right to do it. I kept nudging this substitute lawyer and saying, "aren't you going to say anything to defend me or object?" He'd smile at me and say yes, but he never did. One time he managed to squeak out that my husband/abuser (my words) should move out because I had been a stay at home mom for 13 years. That's all he said the entire time. Finally, I raised my hand and started advocating for myself, but the judge really didn't want to hear it. Instead, she scolded me for not having a job and said that I should have a job and an apartment in a week!!!! And then she said, "And I don't mean that you should come back and say to me that you sent one resume out! I mean have a 40-hour a week job!"

OH my GOD! What she wants is for the abuser and me to switch residences every week so that the children can stay in their home, and he and I will live somewhere else a week at a time!!!! The spouse abuse center sent an advocate for me but she wasn't allowed to say anything. My substitute lawyer did try once halfheartedly to whisper out (that's really what it sounded like above his lawyer's voice) that I'd been having counseling for three years with the abuse group and that he'd been mentally and verbally abusive but the judge did not even give him a chance to say it.

OMG, my poor children!!! To have to live without me for a week at a time under his watch! I just don't get it. The courts just do not want to hear anything about domestic abuse unless you have a broken bone and are near death!!!!! Well, I am near death emotionally. And now I have to find a job and an apartment in a week!!! And how do I get an apartment without a job?

And my real lawyer doesn't come back until April 5th! And he so assured me that in 99% of cases the father has to find another place to live. And he was also so sure that the judge would believe that there had been domestic abuse! He kept saying to me over and over, “This is one of the worst cases of abuse I have heard of!!! You don't have anything to worry about”

I’m fast losing hope of having any legal help at all. My poor children!

OMG what do I do???? I knew there was a reason I didn't want to do this. I knew he could manipulate everybody and everything into feeling that I am the one with the "deep issues!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 4:09pm

I want to tell you my situation went very similiar to this. My ex started out with 50% custody, week on/week off. I had filed a restraining order on him, but he was articulate enough in court to convince the judge I was a liar.

Judges frequently do this starting off if they don't believe there was abuse, giving each parent an equal opportunity to get primary custody. As time goes on, and couple hearings later, primary custody is decided on. You as the mother and primary caregiver, you have the advantage. Don't let this first hearing discourage you. Just keep fighting, and fight hard. Don't give up. In time things will be how they should be. I know this from experience. My kids are with now with me 70% of the time, I got the marital home, and he is ordered to pay me cs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:44pm

Vonique, I am so sorry. This is so unfair, especially after what you've been going through for all these years. Don't give up. You are worth the fight and your children are worth the fight.


What's with your lawyer? Why couldn't he make it? Is he not taking your case seriously or did something truly urgent come up? I'm wondering whether your legal counsel is right for your case or not. Does he come recommended by "those in the know" for DV cases?


Hang in there sweetie, it will get better ~ and come back here to post/vent/get support as often as you want/need to.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 3/27/2006 11:45 pm ET by 2nd_life

~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_