Update. Feeling kind of sad
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|Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:58am|
I didn't speak to him for a week because of an arguement we had. I told him i was leaving him and never wanted to see him again. He wanted his life to end. He had no one to turn to or so he thought. Now he is high. High on life so he says. Its weird because he seems like the confident, happy, positive person that i fell in love with. He treated me so good when he was like this before. Our first 2 years together he verbally and emotionally abused me when he was depressed, drinking, feeling sorry for himself, giving up on himself, etc. He had some serious issues that affected our relationship. He says he has so many goals now and he wants to work on himself more than anything then work on improving our relationship. He says he wants to help me get back to the happy, positive confident person i used to be since he feels responsible for taking that away. Alot has been said. We've had a few long emotional discussions the last few days. He has encouraged me to go to the gym. He even joined a gym. He said he's sick and tired of feeling sorry for himself, sick of being the negative ugly person that he used to be and how much he hates that person and wants to be rid of him. Also that i mean so much to him and he doesn't want to live regretting one day that he lost a second chance with me.
I really think he hit rock bottom last week and something happened. God must of heard his cry for help. The night i told him i was leaving him he was crying so hard and begged God to help him. I've prayed and prayed many times for God to guide me and help me make the right decision. I've also prayed to help my boyfriend. I hope he is guiding me in the right direction. I do have faith that my boyfriend will change, but i must say that i am more educated and strong enough to know that IF the first sign of any kind of abuse shows its ugly face to me...its a promise to myself that i will leave him without hesitation. I won't subject myself again to be brought down by a negative person. Thats why i've cut away from many of my negative friends, they just made me moody or brought me down. It seems hard to find a GOOD positive friend.
I guess i feel this sadness because i feel like i'm lost. I don't know if i should be happy because of what my boyfriend has said or shown the last few days. It is good news but i guess maybe i'm not getting my hopes up too high. Alot of mixed emotions right now. Along with other stress in my life, like school and work. I kind of feel like......i'm starting all over again but don't know where to begin. Also doesn't help that my Grandma passed away. I don't think it has hit me yet. I'm in shock. And i can't even make it to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the continent, i have no money for plane ticket, i can't afford to miss school or work. I wish i could of called her more.... been closer to her. May God rest her soul. Love you Grandma. She was indeed a strong woman. Thanks everyone for listening. May God Bless YOU ALL!