Update. Feeling kind of sad

Avatar for tia_c24
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Update. Feeling kind of sad
5
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:58am
Well i think its been about a month since i posted. Seems like it. Been through tough times with my boyfriend. I was really going to end it about 2 weeks ago. When i got back with him almost five months ago he was in a state of depression. I know he was depressed during the year that we weren't together. After he lost me then it was one loss right after another. Like he was cursed. He locked himself in his own little world, wouldn't go out, wouldn't work, basically was feeling sorry for himself. I was happy and living my life until i got back with him and i let his negativity affect me. He literally drained me.

I didn't speak to him for a week because of an arguement we had. I told him i was leaving him and never wanted to see him again. He wanted his life to end. He had no one to turn to or so he thought. Now he is high. High on life so he says. Its weird because he seems like the confident, happy, positive person that i fell in love with. He treated me so good when he was like this before. Our first 2 years together he verbally and emotionally abused me when he was depressed, drinking, feeling sorry for himself, giving up on himself, etc. He had some serious issues that affected our relationship. He says he has so many goals now and he wants to work on himself more than anything then work on improving our relationship. He says he wants to help me get back to the happy, positive confident person i used to be since he feels responsible for taking that away. Alot has been said. We've had a few long emotional discussions the last few days. He has encouraged me to go to the gym. He even joined a gym. He said he's sick and tired of feeling sorry for himself, sick of being the negative ugly person that he used to be and how much he hates that person and wants to be rid of him. Also that i mean so much to him and he doesn't want to live regretting one day that he lost a second chance with me.

I really think he hit rock bottom last week and something happened. God must of heard his cry for help. The night i told him i was leaving him he was crying so hard and begged God to help him. I've prayed and prayed many times for God to guide me and help me make the right decision. I've also prayed to help my boyfriend. I hope he is guiding me in the right direction. I do have faith that my boyfriend will change, but i must say that i am more educated and strong enough to know that IF the first sign of any kind of abuse shows its ugly face to me...its a promise to myself that i will leave him without hesitation. I won't subject myself again to be brought down by a negative person. Thats why i've cut away from many of my negative friends, they just made me moody or brought me down. It seems hard to find a GOOD positive friend.

I guess i feel this sadness because i feel like i'm lost. I don't know if i should be happy because of what my boyfriend has said or shown the last few days. It is good news but i guess maybe i'm not getting my hopes up too high. Alot of mixed emotions right now. Along with other stress in my life, like school and work. I kind of feel like......i'm starting all over again but don't know where to begin. Also doesn't help that my Grandma passed away. I don't think it has hit me yet. I'm in shock. And i can't even make it to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the continent, i have no money for plane ticket, i can't afford to miss school or work. I wish i could of called her more.... been closer to her. May God rest her soul. Love you Grandma. She was indeed a strong woman. Thanks everyone for listening. May God Bless YOU ALL!

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:34am
Hugs of support to you tia!

Sorry to hear about your grandma,,but trust me,,she knows how much you love her and she's only a thought away now. Sit down somewhere quiet and let your mind talk to her.

Someone brought up a subject to me that I would never have thought of. I've always been a "spiritual" person not a "religious" person for my own reasons. But a friend of mine told me that I had to be wary of spiritual vampires. An interesting concept, but something I thought about. They are the type of person who drains us of all our energy and life. We live for their happiness because we are too tired to be happy ourselves. I can say, yup, a couple of my abusers were these as I would feel more tired after they left than before they got to my apartment.

Alot of abusers will play the "poor, pitiful me" thing to lure us in. We the abused are usually a very loving, giving person and make the perfect target for them. It's only after we learn to read the person we meet do we know enough to keep them at arms length or farther! And they will keep playing this role after we leave in hopes we take the bait and come back to them.

Don't know if that all made sense, but I hope you stay strong and stay safe!

Hugs

Avatar for zippity_dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:59am
Hey Sweetie! First let me say how sorry I am that you lost your grandmother. She knows you love her. Don't hold guilt because you couldn't get to her funeral. It would have been good for you to have been able to go in order to have closure for yourself...not for her. I feel that the funeral ritual is more for the living than the deceased..gives a chance to openly grieve with others that feel the same way and gives a special time to say your "goodbyes". Let yourself acknowledge that you've lost someone special and go through your own "ritual" to say goodbye to her. She will hear you and you can move on through the grief.

As for the other issues I don't have much advice, but I did have a little warning flag go up. I know exactly what you mean about being brought down by those in serious depressions. Sometimes I've felt like a magnet for anyone that gets down and out. Then they feel great again and I fade into the background for a while until they once more hit a low position. The one thing that concerned me about your post was your comment that he hit rock bottom last week and is now "high on life". Depression is such a catch-all term for different specific medical conditions spanning from a short-term case of the blues (ex: "baby blues" due to hormonal changes after giving birth or "grief blues" after losing someone/something special) to serious chemical disorders of the brain that are sometimes controlled with medications, but never "cured".

What you described in his behavior sounds manic...going from the pits to euphoria in that short of time just isn't normal in most people. Recovering from depression isn't a quick thing and usually when one recovers they slowly begin experiencing a feeling of "normalcy"..not a sudden euphoria and this "high" you described. Has he sought out professional help for his depression? Is he taking..or has taken..medications? As much I would love to think there was some religious miracle for his sudden turn-around I still get this gut instinct that the "high on life" will not last. Hopefully the high will revert to a feeing of normalcy for him. Unfortunately, if he's manic-depressive it will probably revert back to rock bottom again. Also, with an abuser one is never sure if it's a calculated strategy move and all an act to gain control. Just look at it cautiously and from all angles. Hugs to you for what you have been through and again..I'm very sorry for your loss. ~~ Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 10:14am
I'm very sorry about your Grandmother sweetie, and that you couldn't make it to her funeral.

As far as your bf goes, believe it or not, I have been through this scenario before. In fact, reading the posts here all this time has made me realize just how much I HAVE been through with people in my past. My first abusive ex did this same thing, cried out to God to help him, cried out to me to help him, swore he wanted his life to change.....I was so hopeful. In reality, the changes never lasted, altho every time he failed he cried out again and again and again, for as long as it worked and kept me by his side. Right now I'll bet he is crying out to someone else, because after 3 years I finally got my fill of it and left for good.

Please know you can come here and lean on us anytime hon, we are all here for you and only hope the best for your life.

Hugs!

Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:52am
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Everyone says it so very well above. I just wanted to add that the focus is on HIM, over and over, in your words here, and in your conversations with him. While he is saying things that sound like he cares, and wants to make changes, everything you wrote describes classic abuser tactics, as they attempt to hang onto the power and control over you. It's beyond confusing, and painful. Please, focus on yourself, as much as you can, and continue to seek help, support, and counseling. As long as your bf can keep you there, and keep you off balance, he is maintaining his power and control over you. He can talk all day long about what "he wants to do or is going to do", but it will take a VERY long time for him to work on behavior modification, and he will have to commit for life to doing this. The vast majority of abusers aren't willing to do the necessary work. Regardless, no matter what he does or doesn't do, you have to stay focused on YOU, what is best for YOU, and what truly is best for you and your life.

My deepest condolences for the loss of your Grandmother. While you couldn't be with her physically, she knows you were there spiritually.

Hugs!

Avatar for tia_c24
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:55pm
Thank you so much for all of your support. I guess i needed to let some of my many feelings out. It feels so much better to come here and release it. I just know i need to start focusing on me and doing what makes me happy. I've been very sick the last week and half with this stupid cold virus thats going around. Its hard to get out and do something nice for myself when i'm so weak and drained from it. It sucks because i want to get out and do something fun, something outdoors but i can't. This virus has literally kicked my behind. This has been the most depressing two weeks. I talked to my father today and it felt a little bit better but he also brought tears to my eyes because i've never in my entire life heard my father cry. It was painful to hear him get a little emotional on the phone. Reality hasn't really hit the family yet i guess. He filled me in on my grandmother's funeral arrangements. Even though i feel bad that i can't go i know she knows i love her and i can always talk to her. I know once i feel better and start focusing on myself i'll be ok. I know i'm a strong person. Just feeling kind of weak now and needed some support from you all. I appreciate it so much. I just want to cry because it means alot to me that there are people out there who care. Once again thank you all so very much. Hugs Tia.