Update.... it has been a while...long
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| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:47am |
Starting at the beginning of June, I started refusing to have sex with my husband because most of the time I did not want to do it and he was always making me feel bad and I would end up doing it to make him happy. I decided that I had to stand up for myself and take control of that situation. That sort of got his attention and he wanted to know what he had to change. After we discussed a list of things, he decided that I was asking him to change everything and that wasn't really fair. I basically wanted to feel respected and to have cuddle more then just doing the act. I was not getting my emotional needs meet. Since then he has decided that he has "cuddled" and that I must not love him, if I am I not willing to be with him.
We have had "discussions" about how I am not living up to the promises I made him before we were married. I had told him that I would be more comfortable with his kinky ideas after we were married. The reality of the situation is that I have learned that my body is my own and if I don't want to do something, I don't have to.
A few days before I left for one of my conferences, my mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly. I had my male friend over (the one I previously posted about). He was dropping off a newspaper job posting for me. She saw his car in the parking lot but she did not enter the apartment and he did not yell hello to her. Well, the next day, she called and wanted to know why he did say hello. I said I didn't know. In all reality, we were hoping that she didn't notice the car amd wouldn't know he was there because she would make a HUGE deal out of it. I waited anxiously for the next few days for her to tell my husband so we could have another blow out about being friends with a guy. She wanted until the morning that I left for my trip (almost a week later) and told him then. He calls me up and all but accuses of something going on between us. It made for a horrible trip that I was really looking forward to. It got so bad that when I returned to the hotel room the first night, there was a message that I had a package to pick up. I was so scared - I didn't know what it was but I figured he had sent me his wedding ring or divorce papers or something. It turned out that it was a boquet of roses from him. But the real kicker was it wasn't to say to sorry for accusing me because they had been sent at 6AM before his mother even talked to him. That same day, my friend had to pick up some tailoring work from my mother-in-law and she basically accused him and also informed him that she doesn't like me and tried pumping him for information about what was going on in the marriage. When I got back into town, he expected everything to be alright. It wasn't - I was so upset at him and his mother. We had another blowout. He is also mentally unstable and had a break down that weekend - I had no idea what to do with him... I came really close to calling the police because he kepting about the voices in his head and how they were fighting with each other.
Throughout the summer we have had numer ous agruements over if "I am not happy... then leave". I am not happy but I also want to try and work things out. Last week was our 3 year anniversary. On that day, he left for a trip (was going to a convention with some of his friends). I encouraged him to go. But before he left...he made it clear that since it was our annivesary, he wanted things to happen again and would not leave until they did. I ended up giving in (there was no climax to it but it was enough to make up him). I felt SOOOO horrible afterwards. I hated the feeling of being with him and I hated the feeling that I had let myself. I know he is going to want it all of the time now and I am not willing to feel that way again.
He refuses to go get counseling. He knows that the first thing they are going to say is that he needs medicated... they are probably right. So I decided that I was going to go to counseling on my own. My first appt was friday. It was horrible. I walked out of it feeling 10x worse then when I walked in. At the end of the sessions, she said that I shoudl be evaulated for medication. Now granted, I am not in the best of spirits but being doped up and feeling numb is not going to help the marriage. I used to be able to handle the stress with diet and exercise but since the first of the year I have not really been taking care of myself, so that I am not as attractive to him and he would not want me all of the time.
Where do I go from here? Any suggestions? Sorry this is so long.

Hi Scooby, welcome back -
The first thing I would change, IMO, is the counselor.
CL-Blueliner4