Update-long -says he needs another woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Update-long -says he needs another woman
3
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 11:36am

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while mainly because I just haven't had the movitation or energy to do anything, I am just so mentally and physically tired. To keep myself safe, I have withdrawn for several months and tried to act as neutral as possible around him.

I've been married for 20 years with my abuser with things continuing to get worse, he is verbally abusive and he has OCD to boot.

For 3 years, my abuser has been seeing this doctor for OCD telling him how well he is doing. I of course have been hanging in there and have noticed that my abuser only changes when he needs to and uses that as example of how well he is trying. I had to take it upon myself to call the doctor on the side and tell him that his patient was not being honest with him. The doctor suggested I start attending my husband's sessions so I convey my thoughts. We had been attending about 4 sessions together, when, I finally had the courage to tell him, that I was just tired of trying and that he wasn't changing.

Of course as expected, he just blew up, and said he wanted me to pack my bags and he would take me to my mother's, then changed his mind and he said he would leave instead. Lucky for me the psychiatrist was witness to all this, called me the next day and said to me "I see what you mean about him not changing (No kidding!). Of course all this time he had been putting a different face to the doctor, also typical of abusers. He also told me he is not going to waste his time going back to that psychiatrist.

When we came home, he acted so offended and marched into my 12 yr DD's room to tell her he was leaving, she started to cry. I tried to calm him down best I could so my daughter wouldn't have to hear more of rantings. Luckily, my 12 year old has been seeing a counselor from the shelter I go to and she was able to apply some coping skills that she learned from therapist, but I am sure she was still hurt all the same.

Although, it was probably not the best decision to tell him I had pretty much had it, knowing he would go nuts, it was just too hard to keep it in any longer and keep up with the pretense. I just couldn't hold on to that rope anymore.

He finally did calm down that night, and the outcome was that he wanted to do what he could to save the marriage and that he would go to a batter's intervention program, officially known as an anger management class. To be honest, I don't hold any hope that this would help him, but it would basically buy me time to get a leaving plan together, I've gotten to that point already.

He attended his first class, but (as I expected) didn't think it was for him, because he was with other men who had been in jail etc. and he admitted having anger issues but not to that extent. He also complained about having to pay to attend (I expected this too.) This is the same man who gambles online and is looking to buy a two seater sports car.

In the meantime, I stay withdrawn around him and as distant as possible just to keep 'safe'. I also have been refusing any intimate contact with him.

This infuriates him and he says I am bitter and angry and cold toward him. I told him that was not the case and on the contrary it was best for both of us if I acted neutral around him, since when we talk, it turns into an argument. He accused me of not trying and said I was just like that song "As cold as ice." I told him I had been trying to hang on for 20 years and that I was just too tired to hold on anymore. He said that unlike me, he had no friends that he can talk to (he's never made an effort, prefers to stay at home all the time) and that he needed another woman. I am useless to him as a wife. I wish I could have told him that I am that way because he has been useless to me as a husband.

Even though I am emotionally numb to this man, hearing him say this, just very painful.
Just like xena-p, I am also mad at myself for letting this get to me.

To keep the peace I did not react to his comments, but rather the next day I sent him an email while he was at work stating that I appreciated his honesty about him wanting another woman, and that I wasn't going to stand in his way and that the best thing would be for him to leave if he felt those feelings.

He responded by laughing at my reaction saying that I had misinterpreted what he said. He was just wanted a woman as friend and that as a Christian he would never think of commiting a terrible sin like that. I was the only woman he would ever love. I said to him that there is no way that a comment like that can be misinterpreted. It is what it is. I told him that would he like it if I had said the same thing to him? He said he would be very hurt. He then apologized and said he sometimes uses bad word choices and things don't come out the way he means them. He says he doesn't want to leave.

I accepted his apology mainly to keep the peace, because I still have to be under the same roof with him but I can't let that comment go so easily. I feel that was was the final straw, there's no going back after a comment like that.

He then offered to take me to dinner, but I asked if our daughter could come with. I told I am not comfortable with going to dinner with him alone, so he was fine with our daughter coming with.

He also has an appointment with his a domestic abuse counselor on Tuesday. He thinks it's an anger management counselor. He offered to tell his counselor any issues that I had where I thought he was wrong. I definitely plan to have him mention the comment his said about wanting to have another woman friend, just so someone objective can point out how twisted his logic is, not that I expect him to change, but he needs to know that he is not ALWAYS RIGHT, and that am I not to blame for the words/actions he choses to say or do.

Luckily for me, my abuser was told that I can call his counselor at any time and discuss what went on in the session. His privacy rights are out the window! So I definitely plan to follow up.

On the plus side,

I've resumed going to the support group at the DVS and am seeing a DV counselor 1 on 1. I was going on the sly before, but he had always claimed that I refused to get help, while he was getting help, so now I felt safe to tell him that I was going to start going for help, since he was attending the batterer's program. Of course, as expected, he asked if it was an abused women's group because if it was, he would be hurt that I was going to something like that. This had been why I was not telling him that I was going before. But of course, I just said something to mollify him, because abusers never think what they are doing is abuse.

Also, I don't have to commute with him anymore. His office moved to another part of the city, yippee!

All that happened just moves me closer and closer to leaving. The writing is on the wall, he says he'd like another woman friend, he is shopping for a two-seater sports car, and has threatened to leave. I say good luck to him, because he isn't exactly the most attractive man in the world. I am sure women will just be throwing themselves at them.

If you can envision a short version of Paul Perdhomme, the chef, (sorry Paul). I on the otherhand have gone from a size 16 to an 8 (which he was very upset about me losing weight, look 10 years younger, while I am no Catherine Zeta-Jones, I have received many compliments and feel good that this was the one thing he could not control and it's motivating me from gaining the weight back.

They say you leave by degrees, and that is so true, I am slowly working my way towards those goals. I have some concrete goals I am working on but that I can't state here for safety, but I am glad that I have this forum where I can vent and draw support.

Writing this out just made me feel so much better.

Hugs to all and thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:31pm
He's certainly digging his own grave, isn't he? Good work so far, and keep working toward that goal!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 12:41am
Thanks Erin, I am appreciate the kinds words!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 10:33am

Hey, bhappy.