Update on poor NIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Update on poor NIL
2
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:17pm
I got to hang out with my abused nephew-in-law this weekend for a while. He's 6 years old now.

It seems like he's a really great kid, but he doesn't get the attention he needs from his foster mother (MIL). She's a little older and her patience wears thin. He does have signs of ADD and other trauma. For example, he "changes channels" in his mind very quickly. But I did share a few moments with him that showed me who he really is - a hurt little boy.

While we were looking at some photographs in his room, he started talking quietly - not as the loud little boy he'd been running around as all day. He said he has to live here and be good so that he can go back to live with his mom (who hits him and emotionally abuses him). I asked him if he liked it here with his grandma. He said he did but he misses his mom. I broke my heart! Then the "channel changed" again and he was off screaming and running around and playing with me again. It's obviously a defense mechanism.

But in that breif moment, he reminded me so much of a beaten puppy, looking for love from the master who gives it the boot if it isn't absolutely perfect. It was very painful to see and hear the tone of his voice.

As for his mother - his mother has legal visitation rights - but hasn't been to see him in months. She's been "too busy" or "too tired". In fact, she didn't come see her brother (my hubby) who she hasn't seen in about 5 years because she was "too tired". More likely, she was too afraid to face us. She doesn't want us to know about what's going on with her son. MIL told DH some time ago, though she promised NIL's mom she wouldn't. MIL doesn't want to get in trouble with her daughter for breaking that promise so, if NIL's mom did come over, we'd have to pretend we didn't know. It would have been a really stupid situation. As you can see, the family obviously has problems.

But anyway - I think I've become one of, if not THE favorite aunt of his. I spent the majority of our visit playing with him instead of hanging out with the adults (my choice, as the adults were really there to see my Dh, and it worked out for me to entertain the little squirt. ;) ).

~Jay

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: teyar
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:38am
teyar...I can certainly relate to your pain as my own brother has caused and is causing

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: teyar
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:39pm
Thank you so much for your kind reply! It is very difficult to think of all the wrong that has been done (and is still inadvertantly being done) to this little boy. My Dh talked to MIL when we were at the house about Dillan's wellfare. We can't take him - and we're mature enough to know that it's a challenge we could do well with, but it's something we're not ready for. And moving across the country to have a greater influence would only cause more friction.

If asked to testify against my SIL - I will and so would my DH. We've already talked about it. He swears she's had a screw loose since day 1. I only know what she's done to us (trying to create drama in the family when our wedding came around, etc). I'm not the best source. The problem is, her husband is being investigated for terrorist support activities, and she's threatened the entire family that if they say something against her she'd "hate for someone to have an accident" and her husband is "very well connected". He's a Turkish immigrant with some very suspicious behavoir (aside from the sexual child abuse). For example, Dillan used to go hungry when he lived there becuase all of thier money was sent back to SIL's husband's brother in Turkey. When asked why, he refused to answer. He has a lap top computer that never leaves his side that no one is allowed to open or look at, etc... All scary stuff. We're not afraid of those threats since we're 1/2 way across the country. Like you, I feel a conviction to do what's right regardless of the consequences.

MIL (NIL's foster mother) seems torn though. She wants to keep Dillan in the family, but knows that she isn't the one to raise him (she just doesn't have the attention and patience required in this situation and she has a rather hot temper as well, though none of it involves hitting or cursing out a child). But she keeps telling SIL that everything will be okay - that she'll get Dillan back. Dillan obviously thinks that if he's good enough, he'll be able to return home. MIL has told DH that she would rather see him in a family that can really help him though, even if it's outside the family.

It's no wonder some of the children are all messed up! I swear... there should be a permit to become a parent... Isn't it an irony in the world that so many wonderful, loving couples can't conceive and so many others that aren't ready seem to have no problem having kids? I guess it's a balance when all is said and done. I hope and pray that whatever happens with Dillan, that we can keep in touch with him throughout his life. In the mean time, all we can do is love him.

I plan on sending care packages and things like that. He's learning to read (and struggling with it) so writing a letter would give him something he'd want to read and keep him in school. But I don't blame him for being behind. It's so hard to learn when you're living in such a temporary limbo.

~Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr