Update on a Survivor...

Avatar for honeychica
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Update on a Survivor...
2
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:53am

******CAUTION!!! THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING!!! PLEASE DONT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED!!!!*******

Hi everyone, this isnt the same message board I used to practically "live" on before, when I was getting out of a VERY violent and abusive "relationship", and afterwards stayed chatting on for about a year. But I wanted to start off by saying, LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU LIVE FREE - FREE FROM VIOLENCE, CONTROL, ABUSE...now that I've said that I have to say it's been almost 3 years since I left my ex. That's an accomplishment for me and something to celebrate.

Unfortunately I suffer (and have suffered long before I met him)from clinical depression and anxiety and I spent most of my 20's in "self-destruct" mode, chaotic relationships, drinking a lot, experimenting with drugs, promiscuity, and I became like this after 2 very life-changing events in my life...one was when I was 15 my Dad died by my side from a massive heart attack on a mountain we had been climbing, it traumatized me. Then in 1995 I was raped by 3 men in a secluded park and tryed to be strong as a witness against them (they raped a 15 yr. old girl the week after me)but it was 2 years after the rape and we were no where near close to trial, by this time, I emotionally just wanted to forget it ever even happened to me and move on and I withdrew from the case.
So after these 2 events and lack of emotional support from my Mom, who was having her own emotional crisis's, I latched onto a group of friends and wer became "family" for each other...To make a long story short, I was very suicidal and was cutting my wrists almost every weekend, I lived for 10 years homeless off and on, going from job to job, boyfriend to boyfriend to even girlfriend, I was so miserable and I just wanted someone to LOVE ME....

Well because of this NEED to be LOVED thats how I got involved with my ex. I see now, thats why I kept going back and kept going back and couldn't stay away...leaving him, and not contacting him felt like I was coming off of some kind of addictive drug! I was so depressed, I was in therapy, but missed alot of appointments because I just couldnt get out of bed. My mother, who was very hard and rough with me, softened after my ex almost killed me by strangulation, thats when she had me move back in with her. Her heart softened towards me and she became supportive. But I truly beleive it's by the grace of God and the message boards here at iVillage, that I finally got to that point where there was NO GOING BACK EVER AGAIN. For a whole year I MISSED him, I cant beleive it now but I did, and I was in such black, deep, despair...but I kept up with counseling and my med.s, talking, etc., etc., and although I became a recluse and totally afraid of men, I began to come out of that so very deep depression.

The reason I am here today writing on this message board is because something happened which was very triggering for me, which has been really, I mean REALLY bothering me, and has hurt my self-esteem greatly....I found out, through the grapevine (he and his entire enabling family live only 1/4 of a mile from me!)that he had been arrested for burglary (he was a crackhead and got me hooked on it while I was with him but I stopped on my own and he used to try to force me to smoke it...)and was in jail. I have to say I felt relieved.My almost paranoid fear of him (because he stalked me inccessantly-even the police couldnt stop him-he went to county jail 16 times in ONE year for assaulting or stalking me...he was crazy)had lessened but when I left him, I cut ALL TIES with anyone who knew him or knew someone who knew him, I didnt go to the store down the street anymore for any reason at all for 2 years so as to not run into him or any of his family or friends. I felt isolated, even more than when I had been with him, but I dealt with it and I had my kitty cat to comfort me, Ginger...(smiling)...

So, come to find out he got out of jail, his enabling mother paid $10,000 to bail him out for 3 weeks, and he is now in the state pen. for a 7 year sentence for burglary...so that's fantastic news for me!

I got a letter about a month ago, since I sell on ebay, I thought even though it looked odd, it must be a payment or something. Well, it was a letter from Kurt's (my ex's)ex cellmate at county jail, telling me that Kurt told him all these stories about how good I was in bed and that "I would F*** him all night long and that he should write to me and I would probably F*** him (Kurt's ex cellmate) all YEAR long....and it went into obscene details about things that were private between me and my ex....and asking me to please write back and I sound hot and he wants to get with me so bad, etc., etc.,

I sat with my jaw dropped, I couldn't beleive after all this time, he would give out my address and telephone #, and tell someone to F*** me cuz I'm so good, I felt so shocked, then I felt, confused, and angry, then embarrassed, then ashamed. You see, Kurt used to rape me and sodomize me at least once a week. He would lock me in his camper and hold me against my will for days and a couple times for a week at a time, and just beat me and smother me til i passed out and then rape me again and again and he would cry while he was raping me and tell me,with this angry crying face, "DON'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?!?! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU MAKE ME DO THIS TO YOU!!!!"....my mind was pretty messed up from his abuse. And honestly, most of the time I felt like either I was his pet or his whore. I am left feeling very hurt, confused, sad, angry, I feel like Kurt violated me all over again...I hate him so much. I hate him. I've tried to explain to my therapist and my Mom how upset I am about it, but I don't think they understand. It hurts VERY DEEP DOWN, it hurts in places I haven't felt pain for a long long time. I can't get over that he would give my address to some con! The guy was only 19 and I didnt feel threatened just violated...I ripped up the letter in my therapists office and felt a little better, but my self-esteem is crushed, I feel like a whore, I feel dirty and disgusting and like I am not worth anything....the kid who wrote the letter said that he didnt think Kurt even beleived he would actually write to me. So, maybe he really didnt think the kid would. But I just dont know why I am so CRUSHED by this...it's always in the back of my mind, the letter, I've been having nightmares of Kurt raping me and dreams of him making love to me sweetly....I am so messed up, I am just feeling so like crap about myself...I feel like a worthless prostitute. I really do. Can anyone give me some wise words, advice, anything? I figure, if anyone can understand it would be someone who messages here....thanks for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long...

~Lauren (honeychica) :(:(:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:17am

Lauren, the things I want to say about that lame excuse for humanity would get me permanently barred from the V, so I'll abstain.


Make no mistake, that was a violation of you (at the minimum, I would have been offended).

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for honeychica
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 2:29am
Awwww, I missed ya Blue!!!! Whats going on with you now? You sound great! Thanks for the compliment that I sound so much stronger now....I guess I am, it's just amazing how something like that letter can bring me right back to having my clothes ripped off me and raped by him....how that felt, that terrible shame....I am still on disability, I still have bouts of severe depression and anxiety, but I am advocating for myself and basically as they say in therapy I am working on "BUILDING A LIFE WORTH LIVING"...new hobbies, finding my spirituality again...but I am terrified of men, I loathe men actually. The idea of sex with a man makes me want to vomit, so I still have a lot of healing to do...but I'm doing it! Your words just made me feel SO MUCH BETTER, BLUE!!!! THANK YOU...{{{{{{HUGZ}}}}}}...Ya gotta tell me about how things are with you now...email me if you want.
Luv~ Lauren :):):)