Update went to DV support group 1st time

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Update went to DV support group 1st time
4
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:13am

Hello to all,

FYI - I posted previously under another profile name that was dianasr, for safety reasons, I've decided to change it, even though I access this site through my work laptop and delete the cache after but you never know.

It's been awhile since I posted because I just haven't had a good safe moment to do so. Things continue to be same around here. I've limited my outside activities to a minimum, so he can't harrass me about that now, so now he is on me about the weight I've lost. (I went from a size 16 to my original before I had kids size which was an 8/10.) I am a petite person with back problems so losing the extra weight has really helped me move around so much better.)

I finally went to my first support group visit at the DV shelter and for the first time in my life I really felt good about myself. The counselor was so kind and supportive, I am looking forward to my visit next week. After my shelter visit, my mom, sister and brother-in-law came to help me plant in the garden (again due to my back problems, it's hard for me to do much in the garden). I really enjoyed their company and was dreading when my husband would come home.

My neighbor had asked if I could run over and sit with her kids while she ran an errand, so after I was done in the yard and my family had left, and by then he was home, I asked him if it was ok if I could run over and sit with her kids, he said ok, then I said well I am going to change first (I was pretty grubby) and his first comment was why do you need to change your friend isn't going to care... I said I was dirty and grimy and didn't want to go over their in dirty clothes, he just started in about how obsessed I was about my appearance (so I can't even change clothes now without him trying to control that too.)Then my 11 year old started to get upset that we were fighting again, so I just had to drop it for her sake... so basically I wasn't even in the house for 5 minutes when he had to find something to torture me with. Thank goodness, my friend came back late so I didn't come home until after he was in bed. Although he did make a point this morning of asking what happened...blah blah blah, I just did the best I could in providing an explanation that wouldn't get him upset.

I dread this weekend because we are going to a party with his side of the family. He loves to humilate me in public and esp. around his family. Of course he says he is just joking and I am too sensitive. I am going to have to watch what I say, wear and do so carefully. The funny thing is at the last party he saw me eating chips and dip and said why are you eating those, those are only going to make you fat, of course this was said in front of his whole family so I put the chips down and just walked away. Of course then he started in on how sensitive I am and that I need mental help and of course his family agrees with him too and keeps asking him when I am going for help. Ironically, he has been overweight all his life and has never shown any interest in changing his habits to improve his health issues, cholestrol, high blood pressure...

I drove him to train today and when I am around him like that I try to tune him out as much as possible and try to focus on something else so when he got out of the car, he got mad because I didn't say goodbye back, but I really didn't hear him, so he just stormed off saying, it's probably my fault you're crabby now right? Then he closed the car door.

It's getting harder and harder to live through this, I am hoping and praying so hard that I will find the strength I need, hopefully from the support group, until I can find the strength to leave.

Thanks to all for your support, I am so thankful for everyone on this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:36am

It's good to see you back!

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 1:02pm

Hi hon!


I'm sorry things seem to be maintaining status quo over there for you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:08pm

Dear wishful78,

Yes, it is uncanny. He thinks I'm cheating on him too or suspects that whenever I go somewhere by myself which is very RARE. That is another reason why it's hard for me to post, because he sometimes thinks I'm chatting with other guys on the Internet.
The few times I can go somewhere I make it a point to take my 11 year old with me. What makes it worse is he thinks all my divorced friends are "out on the prowl" so he has never been comfortable with me going out to dinner with them because they have just one thing on their mind "flirt and pick up men." Now my best friend and neighbor is going through a separation, so the other day when she invited me and my daughter to go see Madagascar with her and her kids I asked him if I could go and he said I'll go with too and meet you there straight from work, and of course I unconsciously said, oh you don't have too. Immediately he said, what, am I going to cramp your style???? Of course, I had to say no of course you can come. I can never win.... If I can ever leave this marriage the last thing I want to do for a very,very long time (if ever) is find another man. I will be so happy to be my own person.

The funny thing about the weight is first he commented that I would get fat, now when I lost the weight he keeps pushing all kinds of desserts on me, and he keeps asking me to pick all kinds of dessert type things when I am allowed to go to the grocery store, and I willing comply, but just like Gizmo from Gremlins when he tries to push that fattening stuff on me I say uh-uh and boy does that get him mad. Well at least it's motivation for me to eat healthier!! LOL

Thanks for your support and I'll keep touch when I can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 5:12pm

Thanks for your support you and wishful78 are the best! I will try to post when I can but again he gets suspicious if he here's my typing too long. He thinks I'm cheating on him online. Now that summer vacation is started I have my 11 year old at home so it's there's less privacy.

But the house is like heaven when he is not here.