Update/I have some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Update/I have some advice.
4
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 2:53am

Cross posted in Should I stay...

Hi everyone! I posted here about November, and recieved some excellent advice from some very wonderful people. If you'd like a recap here is the link:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlshouldista&msg=10757.1&ctx=128

Anyway, I'm happy to say that we finally ended that troublesome relationship in February, but it doesn't really end there. And the struggles I went through after I posted were rough. Someone here had mentioned a disorder called, borderline personality disorder which i believe he had/has. I had mentioned it to him and he FLIPPED out. Completely. Finally a few days went by, and he did some research and came to me to tell me that he believed he had it as well and he would be going to a doctor soon. Well that never happened and our problems continued. Most of the time, the problems we were having were so USELESS because we were already broken up. But we were both so attached that we had to keep on, keep on. Trust me in that he has made me feel like the worst human being possibly. He has stripped me from any dignity, self-esteem, pride--everything. And NO WOMAN SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HERSELF. I don't know why I continued to talk to him after we broke up and I feel shameful I let it go on as long as i did. But believe me, I've learned.. I am 20 years old and working on getting my real estate license, he has in NO way been supportive.. and it's VERY difficult for me to pass the test. I took it three times, and failed, and our last fight he said, "At least i am great at something i am passionate about (photography-and hes not great, he doesn't even have any recognition).. Haha you failed your real estate exam how many times? You're no good at anything. You have no talent."

But I want to get the word out to every lady that VERBAL ABUSE IS STILL ABUSE. and they will tell you and they will justify it to you, but in no way whatsoever should a lady be called a whore or a bitch or a slut or cussed out daily. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. If he has called you one thing, he will call you another. If he has SPIED on you in any way, GET OUT. That is a control issue and you need to leave immediately. My ex hacked into my emails...and found out somethings that are PERSONAL and private that i wrote to myself..and now i'm afraid hes laughing about it to his friends/using it as blackmail material.

I have learned a lot, and I do believe I am better off alone. I do believe that any man that can sit there and yell as a woman cries is NOT stable/has issues.

And if you leave him, LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD. He doesn't deserve to talk to you if he hurts you. He doesn't deserve to even look at you. I made the mistake of thinking... well he seems like the breakup really affected him, so i will keep talking/occasionally seeing him.. BUT HE WENT BACK TO HOW HE WAS. Age old story, ladies.. they never ever ever change. If youre thinking that you need to go, GO. Because honestly, crying over someone that constantly hurts you is not worth it. We've all done our fair share of crying and for what? We could be out there meeting someone that is worthy of our time, or working out, or learning how to bake or something USEFUL other than worrying about the future with someone not worthy of your time. I wish you all good luck.. I will keep checking back. You are all great moral support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:23am
Thank you shutter for telling us about your situation.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 6:44pm
Hey. You just keep right on taking that real estate exam. Know how many times it took me to pass my board exam in my field? Six. And I'm already 42 years old. I wish I'd had your passion and wisdom when I was 20, instead of wasting my time in abusive marriages and now in this dumb relationship that I've been in for a year. I'm getting out of it, but I applaud you for being so smart at such a young age. Congratulations, and again, don't you give up on that exam!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:15pm
thanks ladies. isn't it weird how at 15-25-40..we can all have the same problems?? but let me tell you something. completely cutting off contact is working for me! slowly but surely, it feels like things are getting easier for me. and life is much more calm now!! i am definitely NOT missing the fighting and the crying and all of that BS. i just hope everyone that is struggling with someone verbally abusive and physically as well knows that there is hope, and you can get out.. guilt free. sometimes you don't realize what verbal abuse is.. but even someone talking at you in a harsh manner could be considered verbal abuse. if you think it's unnacceptable how you're being treated, you are right. no one is tied down to ANYONE even if you're married. i really really wish the best for all of you and if you're on this message board, it's a red flag that you shouldn't be dealing with what you're dealing with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:21pm

Fabulous for you!

I love stories like your's -- and you got it, no contact is the way to go.

I'm very happy for you and very proud of you.