Upset with sister

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Upset with sister
2
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 9:22am

I am very upset with my sister. I just can't stand the situation. She has been beaten by her husband many times, the last time he threatened to kill her and this made me very upset. From the very start he has abused her, even when they were dating! he went to jail for it but she took him back again and have spent about 9 years together.

I just don't know how to react anymore. When we know about it, every member of my family get worried and concerned about it. We have asked her million of times to get away from that sick relationship and she refuses...
I don't feel sorry for her, I am very upset because she doesn't want to put an end. Last time I called her to ask her not to get the family involved ANYMORE. Not to call my mother or my brother, I asked her to leave us alone because she chose to live with that beast.
I felt horrible because I want to help her but I don't know how. Even an animal runs if someone beats him, why can't she get away from him???. It is frustrating and I am getting very upset with her and can't even stand seeing her anymore. I know I am wrong but she is the only one who can fix her problem, my problem, my family's problem.
I am sorry to sound hard, but I can't stop mental images of that b****rd beating her, my blood just boils and there is nothing I can do.
iliana




Edited 6/23/2006 9:24 am ET by iliana_9
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:41am

Believe me, I know. While SIL's ex was never physically abusive, she stayed with the clown for seven years, and we were all expected to tolerate his theatrics and the impact they had on OUR lives. I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to tear my hair out, yank her out of there by HER hair, etc. Now that she's out, her daughter is a master manipulator just like Daddie Dearest, and she has no idea as to why. :P

The thing is, there really isn't anything you yourself can do, as you have figured out. Abusive relationships can be a type of addiction, and like any other, the person has to WANT help. Normally we tell people who have a loved one in an abusive relationship to function as a listening ear without telling the person what to do, but it sounds like you're burned out on acting as a support system. In your position, you could tell her that you've offered every way to help her that you can think of and she doesn't seem to want it, so she should call you when she decides she's ready to get out and wants help. We wound up doing this with SIL, and while it hasn't worked as well as I would have hoped (she and ex are living apart but are still more involved in each other's business than is IMO healthy) she did get out.

Check out this article also:

http://health.ivillage.com/mentalhealth/mhabuse/0,,mzcl,00.html

Best of luck, and do keep us posted.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 12:36am
She isn't going to leave because he has her believing that she can't live without him. That she is nothing and without him she will be worthless. The relationship is still young and when she is so defeated and so fed up she will leave. I am in the same position she is in I want to leave but I can't. I have been alienated from all of my friends and family. I have no support system and my family has told me not to get them involved anymore, and I am not allowed to get a job. When your sister calls you to tell you about what is going on in her life maybe she just wants someone to listen to what shes going through. I know that it really makes you angry and frustrated but she will not leave until she is ready and in the position to leave. But the worst thing you can do is turn your back on her because that just reinforces the feelings of worthlesness that he instills in her. She may not want her family to help her leave because she doesn't want to put anybody in the position to get hurt because of her. That is what I'm going through. My brother is living with us but my husband is a coward and hasn't hit me since he's been here, but even though my brother hears the way my husband talks to me and treats me I have asked him not to interfere, so he is going back to Kansas because he says that if he stays he would go to prison for killing him. Like I said don't turn your back on your sister, maybe she just needs a shoulder to cry on without being judged.