ur never gonna believe this but i did it

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
ur never gonna believe this but i did it
15
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 11:10am
alot of you may not remember me since i stopped coming to this section of the village a few months ago, because it just made me feel worse to be here bitching every day when i wasn't doing anything to help myself. but i just HAD to come back and tell you what i did, cause ya'll are the only people who know how hard this is and what an amazing thing just happened to me. so everyone listen up, lol. I PUT HIM IN JAIL!!! can you believe it?? little ol' wussie me put his 200 lb ass in JAIL!! i did it i did it i did it!!! i'm still in shock, but i am soooo proud of myself it's not even funny! here's what happened, so all of you who are still with your abusers please please listen, because it was so easy, and i can't believe i waited this long to do it. yesterday morning he woke up in a pissy mood, and started bitching because he felt that the pants i was wearing were too sexy. i was in a rather pissy mood too, so i told him no, i wasn't gonna change them, and left the room. he came out a few minutes later and saw that i was wearing a necklace, which is against his rules for me, and got even angrier. i refused to take it off either, and he got furious and tried to pull it off my neck. it was a velvet choker and wouldn't come off, so he proceeded to choke me with it. he threw me to the floor and was choking me, and he put his palm on my face to try and get some leverage to choke me with. i managed to get my teeth into his hand and i bit with all my might, and he busted my lip. my kids were holding onto me screaming as this happened. finally the pain of me biting him got to be too much and he let me up, and i ran to get the phone to call the cops. i had told him the last time i came back if he ever put his hands on me again i would call the cops, and i intended to follow through, but he smashed the phone so i couldn't call. i tried to grab my son and leave, but he grabbed ds out of my arms and told me i could leave but there was no way in hell i was going to take his son. sobbing and choking i picked up my 4 yo dd and ran out the door leaving my son with him. he's so much bigger than me and i didn't want my kids any more traumatized than they already were, so i just ran. i took dd to school and started to go to school myself, and then for some reason i just pulled the car over and put it in park and started thinking. i don't know about everyone else here, but i do this really weird disasociation thing when the abuse happens, i just like block it out. somehow i swallow all the anger and hurt and just forget about what just happened, i just pretend everythings fine and start thinking aobut how i will cover up the bruises. so yesterday i started to do that and then for some reason i just stopped, and got real honest with myself. i just started thinking, "this is ABSURD, i just got CHOKED because i wore a 'too sexy' necklace and now i'm just gonna forget it? what the heck is wrong with me?" so i turned the car around and drove to the local police station, took a deep breath, and walked in the door. i walked up to the guy at the front desk and said "hey, i've just been assaulted by my husband, can you help me?" he said "o yes, we can diffinately help you, let me get an officer for you." and that's how it all started. they got the first officer they could out and he happened to be a man. he started talking to me about what happened and he started getting visibly upset. he just stopped in the middle of questioning me put his hand on my arm and said "ma'am, i'm starting to get angry about what has happened to you, and i don't want my anger to upset you any more than you already are, so i'm gonna call in a female officer for you ok?" it was so thoughtful i almost cried! so he called a female officer to come interview me, and called forensics in to take pictures of my neck and lip, and called this wonderful woman from victims services to come talk to me. they were so amazing you guys, i've never met such wonderful people. they wrote up the report, and then the victim's services lady took me over to the majestrate to get an arrest warrant. apparently they've just passed a new law in nc that makes a dv assault in front of a child a felony with required probation, can you believe that?? so they issued one felony warrant for that, and then a misdemeanor warrant for assault on a female. so we got the warrants, and then the victim services lady took me to the courthouse to get a restraining order. we filled out all the paper work for the ro, and then the clerk of court told us that the docket was full for that day and we would have to wait until monday. i just started bawling, i was so afraid that somehow he would get out of jail and come for me it i didn't have it. she took one look at me and said "hold on honey, let me make a few calls." somehow she found a judge who is really sympathetic to victims rights and got him to squeeze me in. the judge said "have her up here in 5 minutes and i'll put her ahead of everyone in my courtroom!" so we went running up to the courtroom to see the judge. as soon as i walked in the door he beckoned me up, while the other 50 or so people who had been waiting since 9 am just stared with their mouths open! i went up to the witness chair and the judge was so kind, he turned off the microphone so everyone in the courtroom wouldn't hear! it was so sweet of him, because i was terrified to tell my story in of all those people. he looked at my neck and lip and said, "let me do some paper work honey." so he did, and you won't believe what he gave me. he gave me the ro, the house, the car, everything in the house except for h's clothes and personal items, and he gave me complete temporary custody of the kids with no visitation!! then he turned to me and said: "i've re-arranged my whole docket so you will be in my courtroom on thrusday of next week. more than half of dv cases are dropped because the wife/gf never shows up to court, so i want you to swear to me that you will be here." i did, and he said "now it's not going to just be any judge, it's gonna be me, and i'm going to know it if you are not here. i'm counting on you to show up, and i know you won't dissappoint me right?" i promised again, and he issued the restraining order. then the victims services lady took me up to the dv office that they have in the courthouse (isn't that amazing? they have a dv advocate stationed in the courthouse at all times! wow!) to get one of those 911 phones. then we went to get the warrants served. now this whole time h was at home with ds, and i was fighting panic the whole time. so we talked to the officers who would do the arrest and arranged to follow them to my house so i would be there to take care of ds as soon as the arrest was made. the victims services lady actually followed me to my house because i didn't feel strong enough to do it alone, can you believe that? it was so above and beyond the call of duty, i swear i'm in love with her! so the officers went in and got h in handcuffs, and then waved for me to come get ds, but i freaked out BAD you guys, it was like i was paralyzed, i just couldn't bear facing him and watching him get arrested. so the victims services lady actually went inside and held my son until they got h in the patrol car and drove away. it was so amazing, i just hugged her and cried i was so grateful.

so he is gone you guys!! for good!! yay!! and it was so easy, why the heck did i wait so long? everyone was so so nice, i can't even describe it. hes in jail until at least monday, and then he will have to post bail. the ro states that he can have no contact whatsoever, no letters, no phone calls, no third party messages, nothing. so all i have to do is abide by that and i'll be good. also, since he did it in front of the kids the case has been turned over to child protective services. while that is scary, it's actually very good for me to know that if i let him back in and this happens again, they will take my kids away. i'm not the strongest person in the world, but i am a darn good mom and i refuse to lose my kids over his sorry a..! so that gives me a little extra impitus to stay firm and mean it this time. the reality of it all hasn't really kicked in yet, but when i does and i start to feel weak i know you girls will be there to help me, right? lol

anyway, that's the update here, and ftr, i feel AMAZING, a hundred pounds lighter, like i could fly! it's so great to be free!

xoxo

clarity

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 11:53am
Congradulations Claritysblue! This is fantastic! I remember you and I am just thrilled to hear how this terrible situation has turned out. I'm sorry for what you and your babies have had to endure. It seems it could not have worked out better for you. You hit your moment there at the side of the road, that point of no return. You did what you had to do, fear be damned! You are an amazing inspiration.

All my Best wishes and keep looking up^,

Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 12:20pm
Ohmigosh Clarity!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 12:46pm
Clarityblue!!!!

You are free - what you did is so important for you and your children. You did what needed to be done. I also suggest changing the locks. I did it and if I can believe me anyone can. I have no ability to fix things. I went to the local hardware store and bought the cheapest door locks i could find. Then I unscrewed the locks that were in the door and I screwed the new ones in. I most certainly caution you to do this. Do it ok.

Also so many women don't go back to court because of many many reasons, one you may find yourself faced with is - and I was shocked at this one. My daughter cait begged me to let him back home. She was a wreck a mess. She witnessed my x beating me on that day, yet it was her dad and she begged me to let daddy come home. It broke my heart. BUT __ and please hear this. I looked at her broken little face and thought to myself I'm the adult she doesn't understand what really is going on here and if I let him back someone someday will be beating her to. Child protective services takes this very seriously and no matter how much a part of me still loved my abuser a bigger part of me knew things were gonna get uglier and uglier as time went by.

I'm soo happy and proud of you. post more when you can we are all here for you. We all need each other!

With hugs and respect

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 1:20pm
ya know kanga, i'm dealing with that already. my poor poor baby girl watched all that, but she refused to talk about it until late last night. all afternoon she kept telling me that she wasn't there, or that nothing happened, and she didn't know what i was talking about. then at bedtime she finally broke down crying. h always had a little ritual with her when he wasnt going to be home by her bedtime where he would give her two kisses in the morning and tell her to put one in her pocket for bedtime, and at bedtime she would pull the extra 'kiss' out of her pocket and put it on her cheek so she would have a nite nite kiss from daddy. yesterday of course she didn't have one, and she just started bawling about it. then she started talking about it all to me, and trying so hard to understand, it was pitiful. i hadn't told her he went to jail, i had just said he was in 'grown up time out' until he could learn not to hurt people, but she just looked me in the eye and said, "mommy, daddy's in jail isn't he?" i couldn't lie to her so i told her the truth, that yes he was, but she needed to understand that it wasn't her fault and that daddy still loved her very much and that she could see him when he got out. she asked if he could come back home when he got out of jail and i had to tell her no, that daddy wasn't going to come back home, that he would have to live somewhere else and she got so angry, it broke my heart. she was crying "why can't you just not wear that necklace anymore, or just hide it under your shirt if you do wear it?" and kept saying she wanted her daddy to come back home. i held her until she finally cried herself out and fell asleep, but it was so hard. but like you said, i am the grownup here, and part of being a grown up is doing things that are hard and really break your heart, but that you know are right. and if she thinks losing her daddy is hard, how much worse would it be to lose her mommy? if she's crying about that then imagine how messed up she'd be when he finally kills me? i just can't risk that, no matter what my little girl wants.

btw, what did you do about visitation? when i go to court on thursday i have to tell the judge what i want to do about that, and i have no idea what's best. dd desparately wants to see him, and i think she needs to, but then i would have to see him and i can't do that. the judge said i could request supervised visitation, but i'm not sure who would do the supervising or if that is the way to go. i don't think he is a physical danger to the kids, but what if he tells dd horrible things and hurts her worse than she already is? i would not put that past him, and dd does not need that on top of everything else. any ideas?

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 1:42pm
i know i know! i just read about hummergirl and i'm so glad for her! two parties in one, lol. and you know i already changed the locks silly, what do you think, i'm dumb?? jk, but i'm not taking any chances here. i got the dv center to come and change the locks and add a peephole and a security chain, i feel a little like i'm in jail too, but better safe than sorry!

i can't believe how it all went down either, it was so smooth and fast. and all the people were so wonderful, i just can't say enough. NC has a WONDERFUL dv system!! the judge also told me that nc is in the top 5 states for dv related fatalities so they are completely revamping the system, and it is awesome. when i go back on thursday i will have so many people there to hold my hand, i know i can do it. i will have the victims services lady who was so kind to me, a lawyer from a dv-only law firm who will do my case pro bono, a dv representative from helpmate, and my best friend, all there with me in front of a sympathetic judge who i have already met, i know i can do it. plus i have my secret ace in the hole, my eyesight! this is really goofy, but i have really bad eyesight, and for once in my life this will be to my advantage. i always wear glasses or contacts, but since h will be in the courtroom probably looking daggers at me, i'm going to take them out. if i don't have glasses or contacts i will barely be able to make his face out, let alone his expression. for some reason that is really comforting to me!

so i will be there come hell or high water, just keep your fingers crossed that it will go well. the ro is such a relief to me, because now it's out of my hands. no contact is a lot easier to enforce when you have the ability to call the cops if he calls or writes. i feel totally different about this time than i have the other times i left, because now i never have to talk to him alone again. i know that if i give him and inch i might as well just let him move back in, i just have no control once i start talking to him. so i'm never gonna let it start.

thanks for the well wishes sweetie, it's so good to finally have GOOD news to report!

btw, what the heck does stbx stand for? i've tried and tried to figure it out and never have, anyone want to clue me in?

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 2:12pm
You have one now so it's time you knew. STBX is for soon-to-be-x. I wondered that myself for a while and something that started with $h!t was all I could come up with for a long time

Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 2:25pm
stbx = soon to be ex, SILLY!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 2:45pm
Clarity dear,

Stick with the supervised visitation right now ok. It doesn't have to be forever but he's going to out of his mind with rage or .. begging and manipulating for you to drop the charges. So Fistly remember NO CONTACT. Don't speak to him don't break the restraining order. NO CONTACT. The advocate who helped you the one from the police station, you probably can call her and speak to her about what kind of supervised visitation they have available, also I can't stress enough how important contacting your local dv shelter is for your healing and the children's healing. He will try to manipulate their little minds right now and you have to be vigilant.

Supervised visitation can happen in many ways: the state has places where visitation can take place. They can demand that he has a family memeber be with him when he has the children or amy other number of options.

Kiddo he probably won't hit the children.. at least I hope not. However hitting a mommy infront her her babies is child abuse. It is and north carolina says it is its a felony. Don't let unsupervised visitation happen right off the bat. Its not safe for you or them.

Gentle hugs and keep posting we need you and you need us.

Cathy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 5:38pm
Huge Hugs clarity! I am both sad and so happy for you,,sad that the kids saw all of this and that it even happened in the first place and extremely happy that you are finally out of the hell he made you all live in.

Kanga made a good point on contacting the lady from victim services and also the shelters.

You can make sure that the visitation is supervised hopefully by someone from the courts.

When it comes to his stuff,,request that he is only allowed to pick it up if there is a police officer there to make sure he doesn't do anything but pick up his stuff. It's even quicker if you just box it up and have it ready so that he isn't allowed to go walking around, stalling for time.

Just echoing everyone else, please do not let emotions or anyone keep you from that courtroom. If needed you can have an advocate there with you, maybe even the lady from victim services. Tell her you feel very uneasy about being in the courtroom with him and you need someone there with you. They will work with you and do what they can to make you as comfortable as you can be.

The shelters should be able to help you find a good abuse counselor for both you and the children. And it is true that children don't understand what is happening, all they know is a parent is missing. But with counseling and just being around you with all that stress gone, they will know that this is the best way. You do have to do what's best for them, not what they want. It's hard but you're past the hard part now,,,now you can start living and breathing alot easier!

Hugs

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 7:09pm
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! OMG! That is SO AWESOME!!! And, you just described my story nearly to a "T". I also had an amazing experience with my local police and legal system. Oh MY GOSH, that JUDGE you saw --- WOW!!!! Please get his name and write to your Congress Rep....very impressive. I know what you mean about being paralyzed to see your abuser taken away too -- I nearly left the police station when the officer informed they would arrest him and take him away in handcuffs. Everyone treated me so gently/kindly...telling my story aloud was pretty eye-opening. I can hear in your post it was for me too. I am so glad that there were all these amazing people helping you and I am most IMPRESSED BY YOU!!!!!! YEAH!!!! ~~~~~super duper hugs....you done GREAT!!!

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