Used to post here...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Used to post here...
8
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 2:35am

Hi, I used to post here awhile back. I've been out of my abusive relationship for almost 2 years now...in May it'll be 2 years. We still kept in contact though. Because I'm so used to having my ex around for me...There's very very few people I trust in my life and he's one of them. The other 3 people in my life that I trust are family members.

Anyways...I was wondering if anyone here remembers me? I doubt it...but if so let me know...I used to come to this board all the time, and it helped me a lot. I think it would just be nice to hear from and get updates from the people I used to write to. Or at least people who are in the same situation as me.

Actually now I've had no contact with my ex ever since January...a whole 2 and a half months. I'm trying to not call him. Last that I spoke to him he's trying hard to get his life together so we can get back together. He told me that if we ever got back together then he would want to get married, and wouldn't ever want to lose me again. I doubt it'll happen...but at the same time I don't want to be single forever. It's not that I can't find anyone it's just that either I'm too picky or the ones that I do like turn out to be playerz.

There's another guy that I was seeing for awhile for a few months, but that grew old, I felt that I couln't really connect with him. I used to stay at his place for a couple of months too after my lease was up at my apt. I think I just used to like having a guy there for me, and especially to hold me. I'm so used to that...Lately, he's been telling me that we should have a kid and even jokingly told me that we should get married. Our relationship is far from being serious though, he's just not my type.

I have so much more to write about...but I have to get back to studying I have an exam this morning... :o(

Anyone please respond...

Much Luv,
sweet_angel21

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:25am

Welcome back! Im sorry,

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:22pm

Hey thanks for responding :0)

Yes you are absolutely right I broke up with my ex because he was abusive. We were together for 3 years. And all the signs were there...we moved into our relationship REAL fast...I was already living with him after about 2 months? It's because I was going through a hard time and ended up staying with him, after I got through it, he still wanted me to stay so I did. It all started with him pushing me, which I thought was no big deal, he would push me on the bed after all when he got upset. I thought nothing of it. Later he turned all abusive, but only once in awhile. I'd say probably once every 2, 2 and a half months we'd get into a heated arguement and we'd end up in a fight. I used to fight back, and he has plenty of scars from me. I used to think it was my fault too, since I fought back after all, and I thought I somehow caused him to get to that point. So...I stopped fighting back and tried to stay calm, not get mad, not defend myself and keep my cool and try to talk to him, well that's when I got it worse. I mean he would never hit me where people could see...the time when I didn't defend myself I was laying on the couch trying to tell him that I didn't want to fight that we should talk after we'd calm down, well, he got pissed, he cussed at me, dragged me off the couch into the kitchen and I was crying telling him to stop. He kicked me Hard on my leg and threw something at me but missed. He also told me to get out, that he wanted "all my sh*t out" I got up crying and was like "fine.." I started packing all my things and he would still be pissed probably until I left, he would be calling me back crying saying that he needs me, that he's sorry, it won't ever happen again, blah blah blah...(you know what I'm talkin about) Well, I always believed him, I seriously felt I couldn't live without him, the longest I stayed apart from him was two weeks and I thought my life was over, I was constantly crying..and praying that we would get back together...I just didn't feel complete without him, he was a huge part in my life.

Well, around that time I did still end up going back to him but then I started getting on this message board at work. I read about other peoples' stories, developed connections, and realized that our relationship isn't normal and probalby won't ever be. I know that may sound kinda stupid, but so many of my friends are in abusive relationships and I always thought, "well, he doesn't hurt me all bad, not like the movies or anything.." I would get bruises though, and a couple times I seriously got scared for my life. I think posting on this board was what helped me leave him, and for TWO YEARS too..(well, Almost..this May umm...15 will be two years) I like to talk to him still sometimes...he's still there for me, he checked himself into counseling because he said he "lost the best person in his life" he was saying that I'm "like an angel" lol that I help people to realize things and to change their lives. (since I also helped my cousin and friend out..)

Anyways, I was saying it may sound crazy for me to still talk good about him...to say that I still think about getting back together with him...but I used to love all the little things he would do for me. He used to do anything for me, seriously ANYTHING...*kinda scary..* he would say that I was the world to him and that he had to protect his "baby girl" When I was with him I was guaranteed protection (from everyone but him) and he always told me he loved me, always put me before his friends AND family. It made me feel good you know?... I thought "wow, he truly loves me.." I never had that before...And now I still do miss that. I still do love him too, but I think in a different way. The times when I did talk to him and spend time with him not too long ago, I felt like it was just as friends I mean I like him as a friend, I like to spend time with him. But he still wants us to be together. When I was sick he came over, brought medicine, dinner, movies for me to watch. He always keeps his cell phone on and near his bed at all times now, if I would call any time, to see him, or if I need his help. He's not the type to do that either. SO....I think I'm afraid I will never have anyone Love me again...And I'm also just too picky. I want it all.

The guy I was seeing for awhile (the cop), well we were friends then it became more. I liked it for awhile, but I thought, this sucks..it's nothing like my ex used to treat me. I got used to being treated good, he always wanted to give me the best things in life. And this guy (the cop) well we just spend time together, he doesn't do anything special, not to mention he had girls calling his phone 24/7 his so called "friends"...I thought this is stupid...I don't wanna put up with a guy who will cheat. Sounds kinda crazy that I put up with abuse but I wouldn't put up with that huh? Well, I feel like if any guy I was with ever cheated on me, I would feel like such a fool. Also this guy I don't know...we can't just hang out...I guess I compare him to my ex and also to my best friend Ray. With my best friend we can just hang out doing anything and have a Great time, he's the only one that can make me laugh when I'm feeling Soo down, he's the only guy I feel comfortable with to talk about ANYTHING, I don't know...basically everything I want in a guy but he's just my friend.

Basically the thing I'm worried about is I do NOT want to be alone...that is like one of my number one fears. I feel like if you don't have a life without love then then there's really no point in trying in Anything...does that sound weird? that's the way I feel. I mean when I was with him I was doing good in school and work and with my family. I felt like I had things to work towards for US...now that it's just me I feel like I have nothing to work for...after all..it's just Me...I mean I never feel like working towards something just for ME..for other people yes...if I had a child I would work towards him/her but since I don't have anyone...I've just been messing up in life. In school, work, with my family, everything...

Also I'm the type of person that's hard to express feelings. I NEVER say "I love you" never really the type to initiate things with a guy...So I think it's the true thing that I love my ex and always will no matter what he put me through. Also, I love my best friend. I guess it would be perfect if me and my best friend were together, he has all the traits I want in a guy, except he doesn't have motivation. He grew up a hard life and he just doesn't realize his potential. Right now I see him losing his life towards drugs..I mean hard drugs,...heroin, meth, crack, you name it...Our other guy friends told me that he needs someone like me to straighten him out, I don't think we would ever be together. There were times when he mentioned that we would be perfect, after all we're best friends, have been through a lot with each other, good and bad, seen each other at our worsts, know each other's problems, and I did consider it one time. But it just felt too weird for me. Besides I always want him in my life forever, and that could be ruined if we became more than friends. Also right now I get worried for him (doing his drugs) I'm afraid that I'm gonna lose my best friend. My mom gets worried for me, she doesn't want me talking to him because she's afraid that somethings gonna happen to him and that it will affect me. I don't know...I've been trying to help my friend realize that he is so much better, that he keeps on slippin'...but he just doesn't realize it.

Anyways...sorry if I bored you...that's just a lil glimpse of my situation...I don't want to make this TOO long...Let me know what you think ;0)

Sweet angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:17am

Sweet Angel, please listen to us! We've been there, done that, and done it again and again, so please learn from our mistakes. First of all, abusers almost never change, especially if it's reached physical violence. Second, the worst reason to get into a relationship is because of a fear of being alone. The best time to get into a relationship is when you're feeling strong and don't feel the need for one! Build yourself up. Learn who you are, who you can be all on your own. Then when you're a strong, healthy person, you won't feel the need for anyone else to make you happy. It is then that you'll attract nice, intelligent, healthy men!

Get into a support group for domestic violence right now. It won't cost you a cent. Just call the domestic hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for more info.

Abusers prey on the weak and needy. If you don't work on yourself now, you will continue to atract and seek out abusive men. He called you his "baby girl" ?? That's seriously messed up! He likes you helpless so that he can feel in control, so that he can feel strong and the center of your life. That's not good! That's not love! You're a grown woman, and you need to be treated as such and with respect. You need to be able to make your own choices in life. If you go back to your abusive boyfriend, you're going to lose yourself.

And about the drugs...you can't change anybody. You can't make someone stop doing drugs. You can believe in them and their potential all you want, but they're going to do whatever it is they want to do. Trust me on this! Again, I've seen it live & in person over & over again. Take care of yourself first! Believe in yourself first! Don't wait around on anyone while they drag you down with them. Put lots of distance between you and all those screwed up people. You're on this messageboard, and that means you want to make some changes, so start with the easy stuff. Stay away from the losers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:25am

What do i think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:37pm

Hi hon -


I have to agree with R and riot.

CL-Blueliner4

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:46am

Thanks so much...I mean it's just nice to know that someone knows where I'm coming from. I used to come on here all the time from work and it was because I formed connections here, people knew where I was coming from and were going through the same thing. I think the main one was Uwi. Seriously it was getting on here that made me leave him for good. The times that I would think there was really nothing wrong with us, I would post on here and read the past things I wrote, and also to read the things other people went through then I would start crying. There was a time (after I tried to seek counseling at my university) that I felt like no one was there for me, no one really knew except for 2 of my best friends that were going through the exact same thing. One was my friend Tina, I used to go to her place in hysterics crying, and she used to act so calm and like it was no big deal (she goes through the same thing with her boyfriend). well, that time I felt like I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to go home(where he was) it was a time I was supposed to go to my counseling that I scheduled but I thought this counselor doesn't understand...the way she talked to me I felt stupid for not leaving him. Instead of going in to my session, I went and parked somewhere, cried, REALLY REALLY didn't want to go home, but dried my eyes and went back to him like everything was ok. That was when I realized I really wanted to leave. It's kinda crazy I don't understand myself...that I got up to that point, but still I find myself reconsidering about whether or not to get back with him. I didn't think this could be so hard...Not to mention I never thought I would be in this situation. I mean it's almost been TWO years and still I am not completely over him...I can't even really remember the bad times between us...not really. Not until I read one of my posts then I'm like "oh yeah...I forgot about that." Am I just blocking these memories out or what? I mean that used to happen all the time after a fight...I couldn't accurately remember what happened. It's weird. Anyways in July when I read my posts from when we were together, I was all crying.

That's also the reason why I've just been getting into trouble too. I don't like to be alone at ALL. I always have to be with other people. So that's why I've been going out a lot. Whenever I'm alone I think about it, and feel sorry for myself. When I go out, I don't think about it and just have fun. Ever since we broke up I got a DWI, (I got a lawyer and tried to fight it for a year but ended up pleading guilty so now I'm on a year unsupervised probation I've spent over 2500 in fines and my lawyer combined) oh my car got stolen because I was at a party in the wrong area of the city, after my car was stolen I stopped going to class, (this was last semester). Now I'm staying with my mom and I'm back in school--although only taking 4 credits and working part-time. The only things that make me think about getting back together with him is because I think I was a better person, I was doing good in school, work, hardly went out, things were good with my family and I went to church. Now It's like all of that has been gone since I broke up with him. Also I'm afraid I'll never find love again. My ultimate fear is being alone. I know thats not good though.

anyways thanks, :0)

sweet angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:15am

I completely understand what it's like to forget the bad times. A couple of days after my ex pounded my head, I was actually thinking about getting back together with him! If it weren't for the fact that I was sore all over and having to spend over $100 to replace all the stuff he broke, then I might've done it. It's just crazy thinking, and we have to stop it.

When times were good, they were awesome. Euphoria! Heaven! But when they were bad, they were really, really bad. Crazy. It's like a drug addiction. I miss that high feeling I had with him when we were happy, but I don't miss his crazy behavior, the way he manipulated me, the horrible things he said, the lies, the way he held me and wouldn't let me leave when he was scaring me to death.

Breaking up with these guys is like withdrawing from drugs, and it's hard. It's very, very hard. But we have to have absolutely no contact with them in order to get heal. The only way for us to become healthy is to steer clear of them forever.

Being alone is difficult because it forces us to face ourselves. OK, we've made some bad decisions, but we don't always have to make bad decisions. We can change for the better and do it right now! Staying busy is a good idea, but spend your time doing things that will help you, not hurt you! Besides, how are you ever going to get your homework done for school if you're never at home?

You're going to feel sad, stupid, and depressed for a while, and you know something? That's OK!!! It's the only way you're going to learn and grow! But you don't have to feel that way 24/7. Has anybody recommended to you Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? or Beverly Engel's book The Emotionally Abused Woman? Those books helped me understand what had happened, the patterns I'd fallen into throughout my life. Knowledge is power! If you read these books, you might start feeling more pissed off than depressed!

About counselors...sometimes you have to shop around for one you can relate to. But if you haven't done it yet, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and they can recommend a support group and counselor in your area, and it's free. You need a counselor specially trained for domestic violence. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Be strong! You're going to be ok!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:50am

Being alone is a real fear that a lot of women face (one of the reasons I posted the fear thread, I was hoping someone would toss this one out), because many confuse "alone" with "lonely".

CL-Blueliner4