VENT
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VENT
| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 6:37pm |
Ok i need to vent. tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I left my abuser, but last night after I left school (i work full time and go to one evening class), i checked my cell phone and I got a text from him! he said something along the lines of "It is fine if you want to talk, you know where I am." I hate to admit this, but I smiled that I got a text like that but within seconds after that, I started to worry. I know about the No Contact rule and here I was about to break it. I tried calling him and of course there was no answer! So, i turned my cell phone off but the whole thing bothered me all night. In the morning I sent him a text that said, "An apology would be nice." and guess what - I haven't heard from him. am I surprised? yes and no. I am kind of freaked out though because the more I have been thinking about it, the more I see that this is, again, CONTROL. The nice and normal thing to do would have been to answer my call or respond to my text but instead he is going to not do anything because he basically got what he wanted - a response from me. So, he is probably walking around feeling all powerful again. I went over and over in my mind what I would say and/or do, but I cannot see a very good outcome in this. Obviously he loves to play mind games. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he probably has some other girl on his hook but is trying to get me back on the hook, too. I am so glad that I didn't have my phone on before school because I was heading there to take a test and it would have really messed with my mind all night. It seems that no matter how hard I try, even though in a way I know he is messed up somehow in the head, I can never really truly imagine the depths of it and what he put me through. This whole thing is so disturbing. These last few weeks have taken SO LONG and part of me is really feeling stronger inside and I just can't see myself tolerating one of his screwed up conversations where he starts getting me to second guess myself (his favorite ploy) or getting me so confused that I cannot make my point. I just had to get this off my chest.

Hi Tired :o)
Your post reminded me a lot of my relationship. My abuser would tell me I could call him whenever I wanted to. You know what.. I smiled too. I was happy when I heard from him, even though I knew deep down it was bad. I fell back a few times with him, but over time I got stronger. I started writing in a journal and posting a lot on here. It helped me a lot. I also named my jounral entry day 1, day 2 etc.. Ya, I fell back.. the no contact rule is hard!!... but you will get thru it.. it might take a few tries, but you can do it!. Just listen to your gut.. it really is the best advice. You can always sense if what you are doing is wrong. You are very smart.. and you are starting to see thru him and see what his motives are. Oh... and vent as much as you need too. I actually posted a vent on the New Beginnings board today because I was having a bad day.
Lauren
Vent away, hon.