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|Fri, 12-10-2010 - 10:44am|
I've been trying to leave a bad marriage for a while, but I'm my own worst enemy. Instead of getting out, I stood and reacted. I fought back. Instead of staying the course and continuing to involve authorities, I dealt with it, and continued to get in physical fights. I began to meet insults with insults. I met irrational behavior with my own irrational behavior. At one point, I took the kids and moved out. But he wouldn't leave me alone, despite restraining orders. He learned the law well and put all of his money to lawyers. And I caved, in time (a number of months), let him right into my home.
The last time I tried to leave, I was so resolved... after a decade together, I caught him messing around on me, on top the years of abuse. I was determined to gather proof and slam him legally, that way he couldn't touch me and would HAVE to leave me alone. He manipulated the situation in various ways. Then he decided to give ME the break and leave for a while. The whole time he broke one boundary after another. In the meantime, looking for him online, I met someone online, and I got carried away. I kept making my plan to leave. Can you see where this is going? I was slammed beyond slammed in court, and everything was flipped around on me, adultery AND abuse allegations. I hired lawyers but he hired better, and he would not leave me alone, despite my constant police involvement. He took my kids, and wouldn't let me see them. He made it impossible, so I caved to his demands and reconciled.
Things are getting bad again. He is not crossing certain lines he did before-- he knows I'm praying he'll leave marks on me. Financially, he has us very much in debt again. He threatens to use the charges against me if i leave and take custody. He bluffs and lies, but I know he can and will make good on some of these threats.
My family and friends are tired of this same old story, and they throw up their hands, knowing I'll go right back. He involves them to the point that they dont WANT to get involved. My only option is a shelter, I hope (abuse allegations allowed HIM to play the victim and htey stopped helping me during court), and I don't want to lose my job or my children. I've tried taping him and hoping to prove cruelty at some point, but he caught me taping him. He is more ruthless, has more resources, and has strong will power where I am more passive, and I'm not sure which way to go. I tell him I want out, but he puts pressure on me... goes on about how he's changing (I have heard this excuse for decade), has medical issues causing this (also have heard this for decades), and will not allow me to leave because of financial things and "love" and he just puts MORE pressure on me to say I love you and do "loving" things/actions. Financially, I am ruined if I leave. He takes EVERYTHING and leaves me with no material things or possessions (i.e. vehicles). I'm worried of what he'll do, custody-wise... again, I don't want to leave my children, and the evidence is stacked against me to look like the victim here.
I think my problem is that I get so exhausted of fighting that I give up and let things ride while they are okay, and this results in a tired pattern that I've been in for YEARS. I've went to counselors.
I guess I just needed to vent. I'm at a point where I really want to leave again and I feel like I can't. I just feel like I have no options.