Venting
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| Mon, 05-02-2005 - 9:20am |
ok, I've not been on here awhile - things were going ok, until my 18 year old son moved back in and started acting up again. He's been caught with pot 2 or 3 times - I confronted him about it, went to see and have talked to counselors, read articles, etc. - I've had people tell me to kick him out, change the locks, and tell him he can't come back, and I've got an article on my desk saying just the opposite - that it would send him in a downward spiral he may never come out of - only do that as an absolute last resort. He has moved out before, and he did get worse - it didn't help at all. I did see a counselor who wants me to take him to a local hospital for an outpatient assessment, where they will do a drug test on him. I don't know how bad a problem he has - this last time me and dh caught him in our driveway rolling a joint before he left for school and we left for work - I confronted him about it, and jerked it out of his hand and threw it away. Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck about it. He is going to technical school, and making his grades as far as I know. But he's already lost one job opportunity because he couldn't pass the drug test. We have a 3 yr old dd at home - we can't have this garbage around her. I did more or less kick him out several months ago - or he moved out because he said he couldn't stand us. He got really skinny and got worse - it didn't help at all. He says he wants to finish studying industrial electric and get his degree - good, I'm glad he's got a passion for something right now other than partying.
All of this is not helping my 2nd marriage any - dh and ds don't seem to like each other - my dad has told me to keep them apart. Didn't say exactly why, just told me to keep them apart. I never know when things are going to blow up at home any more. All this and to exacerbate the problem, I'm in the middle of trying to pass the last part of the certified management accountant's exam. I'm within 4 or 5 questions of passing, but am not there yet. And it's one of the worst exams I've ever taken in my life. I miss riding my horses - I still have 2 old ones in the pasture, but dd throws a fit if I go anywhere without her. I know it's because she loves me, but I badly need to ride. I told my dh I was just going to sell them, and go back to a barn to ride. He considers that the same as going to a bar - there are some bad people in the horse industry, but I truly go there because I love the atmosphere and the horses. At the same time, I wasn't truly happy riding somebody else's horses because they aren't yours, and you can't do what you want with them. I'll probably just keep mine at home, and ride when I can. I know my daughter is more important, but I definitely need some release, and that's often how I get it.
My dh tries to be nice to me - we went to the races and had a pretty good time there. But it seems like every time we go out, we get into a big argument sometime before we go. I don't know why when we both definitely want to go. I'm just stressed out, tired, frustrated and worried. My dh complains - I'm sorry buy I have told him several times that if he doesn't like things - there's the door. I certainly don't want to trap somebody to live with me when they don't want to, and it doesn't look like I can improve things at home anytime soon. As soon as ds get through school this week, I'm going to hit him up to go for that outpatient assessment. He has kind of indicated he wants help, but I don't know how sincere he is. Please don't tell me to kick him out and throw the key away - I can't do that to my child unless he becomes totally intolerable - and even then I would keep up contact with him. He can be a very sweet kid, it's just he's hanging around kind of a bad crowd right now, and I can't be with him 24/7 the rest of his life. I don't talk to his dad because he is so nasty to me - so please don't go there either. Any constuctive comments are welcome. If you're going to comment and tell me how stupid I am, don't bother. Sorry this is so long....

Keep riding. That is my therapy also. Maybe your daughter could go with you. It would give you some one on one mommy time and a chance to bond and talk. I know all about how nuts horse people can be, but there are more good than bad. I can't see the whole barn=bars thing. Is there a specific reason you can get from him on that?
My stepdaughter is hooked on crack. I have watched her go to jail, end up homeless, lose both her children and now prostituting herself. I love her as my own and this breaks my heart. All I can try to do is just keep the dialoge going. She knows she needs help, but doesn't know how to quit. We are all(everyone in TX where she is at) trying to help give her incentive and the courage to work thru this. Unfortunately, my soon to be ex husband has never really been a very good parent to her and so I am the one to step up and be the stable person she can come to. His reply is to all this is she can call him if she wants to. I know he'll just yell at her and yesterday when I tried to talk to him about our grandkids he just plain didn't care. I have no answers on that, except if you think he will do the outpatient accessment get him there. It may help wake him up to know what the consequences for his actions are and that you can't just bail him out of this situation.
-J
Hun, I'm going to tell you right now,...we DO NOT criticize or put anyone down on this board.
Bless your heart, I hope my son isn't hooked on crack, but I can't know that for sure unless he agrees to the assessment, and signs the release form so I can see the results. I hope that's not the case, and I hope that counselor I saw last week is wrong - he said crack is almost impossible to break.
What a jerk of your soon to be ex of dumping out on his daughter like that - but it does take alot of courage to stick by them. For me, it's not so hard because I remember what it was like when I was in college and not very happy and I drank too much. Thank goodness my mom found my bottles, and confiscated my bottles, and that really turned me around. She didn't even have to say anything to me - it embarrassed me enough that she had found them.
I'm kind of reluctant to take my daughter too much around the horses yet - she's still at the age she could have a really bad accident although neither horse would try to hurt her on purpose. And dh is totally paranoid about something happening to her - so I'll just have to wait a little while until she gets closer to 6 or 7 which is a safer age. It aggravates me sometimes I've even told him if he doesn't get a grip on himself, he's not even going to let her learn to ride a bike! I'll ride when I can. At least I did have 3 wonderful years of showing on the county circuit where we won and won and won mostly because my trainer knew what shows to pick! Anyway, thank you again for responding - I'll have to just keep hanging in there. DS will turn 80 one of these days!
I'm kind of reluctant to take my daughter too much around the horses yet - she's still at the age she could have a really bad accident although neither horse would try to hurt her on purpose. And dh is totally paranoid about something happening to her - so I'll just have to wait a little while until she gets closer to 6 or 7 which is a safer age. It aggravates me sometimes I've even told him if he doesn't get a grip on himself, he's not even going to let her learn to ride a bike! I'll ride when I can. At least I did have 3 wonderful years of showing on the county circuit where we won and won and won mostly because my trainer knew what shows to pick! Anyway, thank you again for responding - I'll have to just keep hanging in there. DS will turn 80 one of these days!
You all really have always been the best support board on here - gotten me through alot of tough times and I know I can say just about anything on here, and won't be judged for it.
Do you have any idea, though, why my messages are being deleted? Or is my computer acting up?
I couldn't agree more with you...my STBX told me (every mother's day) that I was not his mother therefore I will get no recognition...I also told him that every time he said all those mean and hurtful things that he could expect a reaction...with every action there is a reaction.
Abusers turn everything around on you to make you look like you are the one who causes the events...my STBX told me 2 days before I left that I was 90% of the problems in our marriage...go figure. He has never nor will he ever take responsibility for his role in the destruction of our marriage. I would say that he is the one who destroyed everything that we had together...
Oh well...my divorce will be final in 2 days. Finally, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. WOOHOO!
Oh, why can't he just make up his mind and go if he's so unhappy.
CL-Blueliner4
lol, my thoughts and feelings conveyed to him this weekend. I told him pretty much the same thing - "if you're so miserable, there's the door and you're more than welcome to it - I have told you that many, many times!!" I even made like I was going to pack his bag for him - bad thing was I couldn't find the suitcase!
It does make it hard, though, when things go well for a little while, and then they blow up. I feel guilty sometimes, that I haven't left, but the house and all the bills and all of the cars there are in my name - he had to claim bankruptcy because his ex wife went doctor and drug shopping and racked up $35,000 in bills without his knowing it. She was a druggee, and he, the controlling one, of course thought he could "straighten her out".
I'm just not to that point yet, don't know if I'll ever be. I've got till around next November (right after Thanksgiving) before the Session thing starts again. One good thing I've found out is there is the outside possibility of my retiring from this job in about 3 years - dd would be just going into first grade. 3 to 5 years, tops, and I'll be out of here and won't ever be dependent on anybody ever again because my job makes me work odd hours. Take care. Cindy