verbal abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
verbal abuse
2
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 1:58pm

I posted on here awhile back and here I am again. I described my husband and his behavior to get an idea if what I am dealing with is verbal abuse. I got responses from a few of you all saying that yes it is and I should just get a divorce. For a number of reasons I am simply not going to get a divorce. I won't go into the reasons here but they are there.
I still have a hard time believing I belong on this board. But I read the book 'the verbally abusive relationship' and yes our relationship fits and I guess there is no doubt. it is hard to swallow because the truth somehow makes me feel that it is hopeless. Before i recognized my husband's behavior for what it was, there was always hope that somehow I could convince him to love me, to stop being so mean. Now I feel like the truth is he'll never change. And here I am stuck. I'll never have a true companion in life, I'll never feel loved again and that hurts. Also, finally seeing all the put-downs and disgusted looks and mean comments and manipulative passive agressive behaviors, all the controlling and the emotional unavailability, seeing all of that for what it really is has made me want to just stop caring about him completely and that is hard too. I do love my husband. But it is hard to keep loving when someone is so demeaning for so long. i feel sort of well *empty* right now. and it sucks.

Do these men ever change? Is it possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
In reply to: helenmisery
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 2:14pm
Statistically speaking only 1% of abusers do change.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
In reply to: helenmisery
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 8:48pm
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is..and I SO know that empty feeling. As wishful said...most do not change. I wanted my ex to change so bad...but he never did. I prayed for him to change..did everything I could to try to make him change..because I DID love him. When I realized he would never change I began to start asking myself "real" questions. I knew how "empty" I felt...I gave up on really ever being loved..and ever feeling loved. I watched tear jerker romances and cried and cried during them..because that romance was something I felt I would never have. When I had accepted that I would never have romance...I started looking at other things that I didn't have in my life. I didn't have my self worth and happiness anymore. How valuable were those things? I looked at the big picture..."Did i want to live with this emptiness for the rest of my life?" "COULD i live with this emptiness for the rest of my life?"
I understand you have your reasons for not wanting to divorce. I respect and accept that. I'm not going to preach to you to leave him. That is all one's choice and one's values..and probably other reasons. But you need to seriously think if you WANT to live with that for the rest of your life???? If it hurts now..its not going to get better...it will only get worse..and he will damage you emotionally even more. All I have to say...don't lose yourself...don't lose YOU...don't lose your SPIRIT...don't allow someone to strip your life of happiness.
Hugs to you..I know the pain. Even choosing to stay...as you have stated you will...please don't be afraid to post here...for support..and friendship and understanding..understanding of what you are going through.