Verbal abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Verbal abuse
12
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 6:55pm
Some of you may have seen this message already on another board. I was referred to this board and would like some input. I guess my husband is verbally abusing me, I just didn't think of it that way before. And I know for sure he doesn't think he is - he just does it subconsiously. I just don't know how to get him to understand that he is. Well here's the message and TIA for any input:


I haven't posted before, but I'm stressing out. I'm 25 and I've been with my husband for 9 years, two of them married. Because we fell in love when we were young sometimes I wonder if he would be somebody I would fall in love with now. I feel like I'm 10 years older than him sometimes (we're the same age) and sometimes he makes me feel like a stupid little kid. It's so hard to communicate my feelings to him because he always gets defensive right away, which makes me cry, which makes him more upset and nothing ever seems to get solved. He is not the type to ever take fault for anything, so it's basically useless arguing. But things turn into an argument so easily with just the way he speaks to me. I feel like he talks down and his tone is hateful over the stupidest things, like the housecleaning or the way I handle our son or any little thing. I know that I am oversensitive with him for many reasons (a whole other disucssion there)but nobody else talks to me that way. My step-mom used to talk to me that way as I was growing up and I always hated it. And now I am feeling those same feelings I had as a kid, just by the way he talks to me. It makes me scared that I will do something that is wrong in his eyes and I will get "chewed out" for it.

So I tried to tell him how I feel and asked him if he can bend and maybe speak to me a little more respectfully and then maybe I won't get so emotional and we woulnd't get into a dramatic argument. He just turns what I say to him into an argument and doesn't think he is ever chewing me out just talking and that's just the way he talks when he's a little upset so I should live with it and not be so sensitive.

I just feel like I'm always going to be in this relationship where he is never wrong, would never apologize for anything because nothing is ever his fault and won't really ever listen and understand where I'm coming from. He is always assuming the wrong thing when it comes to how I think and feel and it's really hard to communicate with somebody who doesn't really understand you and won't take the time to silently listen and then use what I've said to better our relationship. I just don't know what to do. I want us to go to counseling to learn how to communicate better so we can start understanding each other better, but he thinks that is stupid and would never do that. So I feel like I have to go to counseling by myself, which pisses me off that I'm in this position - alone and that I'm the only one trying better our relationship. I don't think he understands how important communication is in a marriage. And compromise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: kef78
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 7:32pm

Hi Kef, and welcome -


Unfortunately, from what I can tell (and I have firsthand experience in this), this is definitely verbal abuse, along with emotional.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: kef78
Thu, 02-05-2004 - 9:27pm
I can't believe how much I'm crying right now. The line you said where they just don't think the same way normal people do is pretty much what I used to always tell people to defend him or his actions. And it wasn't always like he did something bad, just I'd describe something to a friend that happened or something he said that I couldn't believe because I didn't think that way and I know a lot of people wouldn't think that way and I would say "he's just weird" or something and brush it off as he just grew up differently than me (he's latin and I'm caucasian) But back then I was a kid and didn't know how he was being would have such a bad effect on our relationship now.

It's hard to associate the word abuse and my husband. I know that there are different forms of abuse, but when it's happening in my life I just feel like "no that's not him, he wouldn't never hurt me". But I have to remind myself that he is hurting me, just not physically. And I still love him to death and now writing that I feel stupid, like other people would just shake their heads that I ever got married to him and now I'm just this battered wife or something, when I don't feel that way. And when I'm upset with him I don't want to talk to anybody that loves me about it, because I feel like I made a mistake doing that when I was dating him when we were teenagers. I don't want my family to see him as bad in their eyes, even though they don't see him as the best for me. I want them to be able to be happy for me and not worry about me or feel sorry for me.

Thanks for welcoming me to this board, and I'm glad I found it. Reading that other people are out there that are going through the same thing makes me feel like I can talk to somebody about it and I'm already learning a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: kef78
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 12:17am

It was hard for me to give it as much though as I needed to when I first put the two words together in my own situation.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
In reply to: kef78
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 11:01am
Hello Kef,

I was taken back a little bit when I read your post. I've posted here as well see(Am I in an abusive relationship). You're story is so much like my own that it brings me to tears as well. Your husband sounds exactly like my bf of almost 2 years. He also takes no responsibility for his actions or reactions to things. Everything is always someone else's fault. He's always saying, well I wouldn't yell and scream at you and treat you that way if you weren't this way or if you did this or that.I feel so stupid when I'm trying to explain my feelings to him because before I can even get the entire sentence out he's already barking at me and at those times when I look into his eyes it's almost as if he hates me or something. The strange thing about my bf is that he does all of this and then shortly afterward he acts as if everything is ok and ofcourse I'm supposed to just get over how badly he just treated me because I made HIM angry and that's just the way HE is when he gets angry. Sometimes I just feel like it's a dead end and I don't even want to discuss anything with him because he turns everything around and makes it something completely negative. Just like you I would tell friends things that he has said to me because they just outright shock me. I talk to other people about it because i try to find out if it's normal for someone to say such things and everyone is so surprised and can't believe that he's doing and saying these things to me especially because they know that I'm not doing anything to deserve and also that I would never treat anyone like that myself.

I say all of this to let you know that you are not alone. I thank god for this board. I have learned a lot and am still learning and i know you will too. Good luck to you....keep posting,

Niobe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: kef78
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi Niobe,

Yes your bf sounds just like my H. Especially the hate in the eyes. I've told him that he looks and sounds so hateful when he's mad at me and that I wish I could record him to show him. It really bugs me to be treated in a way that he would never allow. It makes me want to do it back to him, but I never could. Even if I tried, I just don't ever want to be mean to him. He doesn't think he is being mean to me, I'm just "too sensitive". Well he doesn't understand that he is making me more and more sensitive being this way.

Thanks for your post and I look forward to reading more from you since our stories sound similiar.

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to: kef78
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:56pm
Boy your H and MY SO sound exactly the same. If i cry and get upset he gets so mad and tells me I am feeling sorry for myself! I wish I had some great advice to give you but i do know that these boards have been WONDERFUL to me! Keep posting, I will keep you in my prayers good luck!

Smoothone
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
In reply to: kef78
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:57am
Wow, I think we are all in the exact situation. The description of your husbands is exactly like my bf. Especially the lashing out and then acting like nothing is wrong, and ESPECIALLY how you don't want to address anything with him b/c you feel that it is just going to get turned around on you. I hate it b/c I know these feelings are wrong, yet the thought of losing him is like a death-a major one. He is at times my best friend and person I love doing things with-we just took a small vacation, had a marvelous time and didn't fight once. Yet my birthday was a little while ago and he did nothing for it, almost seeming like I could control the fact that i had a birthday-got mad at me for being sensitive about that....yet the next night he was mr. romantic and this vacation was wonderful, saying that he was making up for my bday. Things like that. Its so weird....and also, I know EXACTLY what you are saying when you don't want to talk to your family about the situation b/c you don't want to disappoint them and can already sense their feelings towards him! Mine too-its like I don't want them to know what is really going on b/c then they would really hate him, yet I am still in this relationship b/c I think there is still good----we still talk about moving again together. I don't know. I know that is probably wrong but I do love him and love the good. And I'm so confused with myself that I don't know anymore WHAT i make a big deal of and what is a legitimate gripe. On our trip he was 99% perfect, minus one minor incident that bothered me. Uggh, sorry for venting and rambling but I do want to hear more of your stories, and where you stand in your relationship and what you are doing about it.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: kef78
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:42pm
Yeah, sometimes things are so good, that I have to ask myself if things are really that bad. And they may not be bad that often, but it's bad enough for me to think about even when things are good. I used to just assume he had his monthly bad moods, too, or that his split personality must be because he's a Gemini or something. He doesn't really have a split personality, I would just wonder how he could go from being totally sweet and funny one day to quiet, distant and even a little on edge (like if I were to ask him what's wrong). That's another thing, I hate being scared to ask him what's wrong when he's like that, but he always says nothing and gets mad that I even asked.

I feel like talking to him and telling him that I've recently discovered that he is verbally abusing me (but in a nice way) but that would just create another argument I'm sure. So I feel like I need to just keep "studying" how to deal with this. I do think about divorce once in a while, but I've told myself so many times that I would never do that to my son. I put myself into this position when I was blinded by love and not making the wisest choices and there is no use in feeling bad about what's done now, just to work on it to make it better for myself and our family. I just wish I knew back then when I was dating him what I do now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: kef78
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:47pm
Kef,

I know what you are going through. I am 25 as well and have a 15 month old at home. My husband was mister wonderful until about the time I got pregnant and my daughter was born. First I like to call it "micromanagement" when everything I did, he wanted to get involved and try to tell me how to do it. Then recently the name calling started, he has even gotten rough with me. I understand what you mean though, you love this person and this is not the person that you fell in love with. It does make it hard. I have a lot of doubts as to why I should leave, but I have a lot of reasons why I should leave. It helps to have support though. I finally told my parents about what was happening and thier jaws dropped to the floor. No way that Prince Charming could turn so evil. But I am so glad that I did tell them, as well as friends, becuase I have an amazing support team now. I recommend the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. A friend recommended it to me, and I swear it is the bible of abuse. In fact, many of the things I was experiencing, I didnt know was abuse until I read this book. Like not taking responsibility...my husband has always been like that...I just never knew that was a sign of abuse until I read it. It's amazing how your normalization factor changes when you are in a relationship like this. Just know that you have support, and please keep in touch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: kef78
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:54pm

You're absolutely right about bringing up verbal abuse to him.

CL-Blueliner4

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