Verbal Abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Verbal Abuse?
2
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 1:31pm

Long story short ever since my fiance and I moved in together it has been a constantly struggle and we argue every week. Most of the time it is because of my own insecurities and fears and I go off on him. Sometimes however it is more than that...three examples...a few months ago driving home from having a few drinks with friends we were unable to find a parking spot in our crowded apt complex...he basically picks a fight with me and calls me and f*ing dumba$$ and tells me I am no better than my screwed up sisters...the next morning it was all "i'm sorry honey"...then there was the $600 ring he bought me for Christmas that I love to wear. Only problem is that when I wash my hands I tend to take it off...last weekend we were camping with friends and I took it off and put it my lap. Forgetting that I had done this I stood up to use the restroom and the ring fell into the sand. A few hours later I realized I didn't have my ring on and I asked my fiance if he had it...immediately he said "you lost it?" and he sits down and proceeds to curse and complain (as his best friend and his BF girlfriend are helping me search with flashlights) saying "ya'll might as well f*ing forget it, she's lost it. $600 ring and it's gone. I don't understand how you lose something that expensive. I am working my a$$ off to pay for that." And so on and so forth. Of course I found it immediately and he was all "I'm sorry honey"...flash forward to last night we went to his mom's for dinner and I accidently spilled red wine on her couch...which is scotch gaurded and it immediately cleaned up. His mom and sister were both telling me it was ok accidents happen. Not my fiance he sees what I did and storms out of the house. I go after him and he tells me to leave him alone. So on the ride home I ask him about this behavior and he basically says these incidents aren't accidents they are patterns of irresponsible behavior...the conversation escalates into a fight and when we get home I am trying to explain how his words are so damaging sometimes and he is basically ignoring me and so I get angry and storm off (he's laughing at me at this point). This enrages me and I slam the door in the bathroom and the bedroom. Long story short I call him out and tell him that he can't go from thinking that I am the best thing that's ever happened to him to telling me I am nothing but a giant screw up...that that is abusive behavior. So of course he shuts down, refuses to listen and threatens to leave AGAIN.

Only thing is this time I don't know if I mind if he goes...am I wrong to call his words abusive? What do I do? I'm totally lost and confused...

so I am at work (had to be here at 8 with 2 hours sleep) and he texts me to say "I have been thinking about my actions and we were wrong, so I am sorry." So I called him and he basically said that I need to learn to leave things alone that when he walked outside last night after I spilled the wine it was because he was angry but then he realized how ridiculous he was being so he came back in and forgot about it and I just stirred it up again on the way home. So I told him that he needs to realize how his words and actions affect other people, especially me. to which he said I am a broken record, beating a dead horse and he's at his boiling point. He said "but it's done, it's forgotten, it's over with..we're not going to have another episode tonight are we?" And I told him I was too tired to fight with him...so we said "i love you" and ended the call...just now I get another text that says "I am sorry for last night, I love you and I will try to work on things in the future." C'mon...my head is spinning...

oh and then the latest text "please don't leave me I need you"...

is this a cycle of verbal abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 5:15pm

Yes, "effing dumbass" constitutes verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is kind of funny in that (IME) it can sometimes be less constant than other types, but it's still abuse.

At a bare minimum, this does not sound like a healthy relationship. The thing you have to ask yourself now is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you know is capable of popping off like this at the drop of a hat? That is the decision you have to make eventually.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:57pm

Julie,

this is definately abuse and will only get worse after you get married

if you don't want to be like me, trying to decide whether to leave my husband after 3 years, then end this now - it only gets harder to leave later

good luck