verbal/emotional abuse
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verbal/emotional abuse
| Thu, 09-14-2006 - 8:33am |
I don't know if I'm looking for validation or comfort or just a place to vent my increasing anxiety, depression and anger...but I need to let this out...
I have been married for one year..am 6 months pregnant..and have suspected for some time now that my husband is a verbal/emotional abuser. He frequently erupts into anger with little provocation...many in his family know "you don't want to make him mad"..etc...Everyone seems to walk on eggshells when he's in one of his moods--that often strike without warning. SEveral times, he has called me names..."you're an idiot".."you are worthless" "I'm 50 times the parent you will ever be".."My ex was never as miserable as you are"....I recognize and acknowledge this is classic verbal abuse. I also recognize that I do play a part in this "dance"...so I am in no way saying this is all his fault and I have admitted as such.
Lately..it seems every little thing erupts into a massive argument where he eventually proclaims "he doesn't want to live like this" and says he wants to end things. Everytime-he decides this is not what he wants--usually after some time and some prodding from me. Yesterday, he was being distant, aloof and obviously passive aggressive...and I called him on it. AS usual..."I don't know what you're talking about". Then later, when his son was over, I decided I did not want to go to the park with them b.c. I am getting tired of "walking on eggshells"...He then erupted into anger..said some mean things to me in front of his son...and left the house. He then proceeded to walk over to his sister's and purposely stayed there until after nine (well after dark)..Had his ex pick up his son THERE INSTEAD OF AT OUR HOME...and then slept on the couch.
After a very sleepless nite, he e-mails me this morning and says HE wants to start fresh and that he's sorry. When I tried to question the reasons behind the erratic behavior he got angry AGAIN==saying I SAID I WANTED TO START FRESH--WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON"....As usual...when he's ready to move on, it's time to move on, despite the hurt is has caused me. I've also given him an out--telling him despite the fact that I'm pregnant, IF he wants out--he can go. He then quickly tells me it's all in my head. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.....my head is going to explode. Im starting to worry less about him going and finding someone else. I know he would be with another woman in a flat second if we divorce and the thought of it is becoming less threatening.
I have been married for one year..am 6 months pregnant..and have suspected for some time now that my husband is a verbal/emotional abuser. He frequently erupts into anger with little provocation...many in his family know "you don't want to make him mad"..etc...Everyone seems to walk on eggshells when he's in one of his moods--that often strike without warning. SEveral times, he has called me names..."you're an idiot".."you are worthless" "I'm 50 times the parent you will ever be".."My ex was never as miserable as you are"....I recognize and acknowledge this is classic verbal abuse. I also recognize that I do play a part in this "dance"...so I am in no way saying this is all his fault and I have admitted as such.
Lately..it seems every little thing erupts into a massive argument where he eventually proclaims "he doesn't want to live like this" and says he wants to end things. Everytime-he decides this is not what he wants--usually after some time and some prodding from me. Yesterday, he was being distant, aloof and obviously passive aggressive...and I called him on it. AS usual..."I don't know what you're talking about". Then later, when his son was over, I decided I did not want to go to the park with them b.c. I am getting tired of "walking on eggshells"...He then erupted into anger..said some mean things to me in front of his son...and left the house. He then proceeded to walk over to his sister's and purposely stayed there until after nine (well after dark)..Had his ex pick up his son THERE INSTEAD OF AT OUR HOME...and then slept on the couch.
After a very sleepless nite, he e-mails me this morning and says HE wants to start fresh and that he's sorry. When I tried to question the reasons behind the erratic behavior he got angry AGAIN==saying I SAID I WANTED TO START FRESH--WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON"....As usual...when he's ready to move on, it's time to move on, despite the hurt is has caused me. I've also given him an out--telling him despite the fact that I'm pregnant, IF he wants out--he can go. He then quickly tells me it's all in my head. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.....my head is going to explode. Im starting to worry less about him going and finding someone else. I know he would be with another woman in a flat second if we divorce and the thought of it is becoming less threatening.

Hi There.
I have a few bad feeling about your post as well. Feel free to let it out.. post as much as you like. It helps a lot to just get it out and then you also get feedback which is so helpul.
Does he usually blow up on you then apologize right after? I hate that in abusers. My abuser did that so often. The first couple times it happens you don't think anything of it, but when it happens to much it gets a little fishy. That would be the rollercoaster.. very up and down.
He gets mad when he is ready to move on but you aren't because he thinks that everything revolves around him. That is what my abuser did to. If he was fine then I should be fine too.. but that is not the case. He is not thinking about your hurt feeling, only his own feelings.
Can you move out and go stay with family or friends? Right now you are probably worried about the baby and everything else. But you need to realize that bringing children into the world and live with an abuser is horrible. Children see that and learn from the abuse. They think it is right, but it is not right. The abuser might also threaten you with the baby. If you leave I get the baby, I will kill myself if you leave.... etc... He will go to all extent to threaten you.
You need to leave before the baby comes. This is my opinion. It is very difficult, but it is possible.
Lauren
We can help support eachother!! I think just having someone validate our feelings for once helps immensely!!!!!!
I have been doing a lot of research on emotional and verbal abusers..My h fits the profile like a glove...very eye-opening. Some web sites even gave some examples that were ver batim things he has said or done to me in the past. It has helped me gain some emotional distance from the b.s. he dishes out daily. I am starting to see the entire situation with different eyes. I am taking care of myself, my unborn baby and my two wonderful children and letting this marriage take a back seat FOR ONCE!!!!! I'm also starting to feel stronger...thanks to a lot of soul searching and prayer...
Let's continue to help eachother....Support is crucial!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to all of you!!!!!
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, my boyfriend started off verbally abusing me, he's called me every name in the book, he has an explosive temper just like your man, everyone around him always walks on eggshells as well. Everyone kept telling me "its only going to get worse" I didnt' believe them, I denied what was happening to me with every fiber of my being. After awhile he started beating the crap out of me. I didn't want to believe it could get worse but it did, and it will for you as well...i'm so sorry to have to say this to you, i don't want you to think i am mean, but its the truth, you have to save yourself, you don't deserve this crap, you don't want to bring a baby in this world with an angry man like this. What kind of life will it be for you and your child? I know you're not ready to leave yet but in the meantime check out www.youarenotcrazy.com. Read up on verbal abuse, learn everything you can on this, you will feel better once you check out this site. You can talk to me anytime you would like, remember you are not alone.
With the exception of a few details, you could've been writing about my marriage! I'm not pregnant, but I have been married for 3 years and have been with my husband for over 8. It has been a difficult uphill battle because of his mood swings and the fact that his temper explodes at the drop of a hat. I am constantly walking on eggshells with him as well. Its difficult on me because he calls me names when he gets mad, ignores me, and has even ruined (by ignoring me) my 30th birthday and our 3rd anniversary....days that are very special obviously.
We have finally decided to separate. His family is from out of state, and he has decided to return home. We both have been in couples therapy and I always said that if things were good with US, that I'd follow him anywhere. But given that even our therapist has labeled his behavior as verbal abuse, I really don't see a future for us. I love him and know he's a good person (DEEP DOWN) however, I can't live like this anymore. I know I can find someone out there that will make me happy, but right now, I'm not getting that from him.
I'm sad because I have gone through a lot of my life with him and I've recently spent A LOT of time helping him pack and ready to move back to his home state. What have I gotten in return? His gloating about him leaving and tonight, more verbal abuse in the form of him being upset that I'm not excited too. So I figure I will enjoy the good parts of the last week he is here with me, and from there, I don't know what will happen....
But I do want you to know that I do know what you are going through... I've often given him an out as well and told him he should go if that's what he wants... And he also tells me he wants to start over and apologizes when he "blows up" - but things never really permanently change. More and more I realize these are symptoms of abuse. I'm slowly finding the strength to change the pattern and to break free of it, and I hope you will find that strength too so your baby doesn't enter into this world only to suffer similar things from your husband.