verbal/emotional abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
verbal/emotional abuse
9
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 8:33am
I don't know if I'm looking for validation or comfort or just a place to vent my increasing anxiety, depression and anger...but I need to let this out...
I have been married for one year..am 6 months pregnant..and have suspected for some time now that my husband is a verbal/emotional abuser. He frequently erupts into anger with little provocation...many in his family know "you don't want to make him mad"..etc...Everyone seems to walk on eggshells when he's in one of his moods--that often strike without warning. SEveral times, he has called me names..."you're an idiot".."you are worthless" "I'm 50 times the parent you will ever be".."My ex was never as miserable as you are"....I recognize and acknowledge this is classic verbal abuse. I also recognize that I do play a part in this "dance"...so I am in no way saying this is all his fault and I have admitted as such.
Lately..it seems every little thing erupts into a massive argument where he eventually proclaims "he doesn't want to live like this" and says he wants to end things. Everytime-he decides this is not what he wants--usually after some time and some prodding from me. Yesterday, he was being distant, aloof and obviously passive aggressive...and I called him on it. AS usual..."I don't know what you're talking about". Then later, when his son was over, I decided I did not want to go to the park with them b.c. I am getting tired of "walking on eggshells"...He then erupted into anger..said some mean things to me in front of his son...and left the house. He then proceeded to walk over to his sister's and purposely stayed there until after nine (well after dark)..Had his ex pick up his son THERE INSTEAD OF AT OUR HOME...and then slept on the couch.
After a very sleepless nite, he e-mails me this morning and says HE wants to start fresh and that he's sorry. When I tried to question the reasons behind the erratic behavior he got angry AGAIN==saying I SAID I WANTED TO START FRESH--WHY CAN'T YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON"....As usual...when he's ready to move on, it's time to move on, despite the hurt is has caused me. I've also given him an out--telling him despite the fact that I'm pregnant, IF he wants out--he can go. He then quickly tells me it's all in my head. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.....my head is going to explode. Im starting to worry less about him going and finding someone else. I know he would be with another woman in a flat second if we divorce and the thought of it is becoming less threatening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:06am
Hi. I read your post. I'm in a bad situation myself - so I don't have much advice to give. But since you are pregnant - maybe you could do something really nice to take care of yourself today....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:20pm

Hi There.

I have a few bad feeling about your post as well. Feel free to let it out.. post as much as you like. It helps a lot to just get it out and then you also get feedback which is so helpul.

Does he usually blow up on you then apologize right after? I hate that in abusers. My abuser did that so often. The first couple times it happens you don't think anything of it, but when it happens to much it gets a little fishy. That would be the rollercoaster.. very up and down.

He gets mad when he is ready to move on but you aren't because he thinks that everything revolves around him. That is what my abuser did to. If he was fine then I should be fine too.. but that is not the case. He is not thinking about your hurt feeling, only his own feelings.

Can you move out and go stay with family or friends? Right now you are probably worried about the baby and everything else. But you need to realize that bringing children into the world and live with an abuser is horrible. Children see that and learn from the abuse. They think it is right, but it is not right. The abuser might also threaten you with the baby. If you leave I get the baby, I will kill myself if you leave.... etc... He will go to all extent to threaten you.

You need to leave before the baby comes. This is my opinion. It is very difficult, but it is possible.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 8:09am
Hi I am in the same boat as you except my abuser never apologizes for anything. He is self righteous and thinks that he is perfect. In order to keep peace I end up apologizing for everything and anything. After 8 years of turmoil and torment I am slowly coming to the realization that the only way it will end is when I leave. Last night he wanted to show me an email he wrote...I stupidly did not think that I had to stop the laundry detail to read the information and he accused me of being insensitive, rude, self centered, and selfish. He recounted many similiar incidents of rudeness and then dismissed me with a wave of his hand and told me he did not want to have anything else to do with me that evening. Later, I apologized for my rude behavior even though I think my error was not intentional or meant to slight him. I walk on egg shells every day. My radar is on full when around him. I try to read his moods and act accordingly. I leave today for the weekend and he is not speaking to me. This has happened so many times...more than I can count. I can identify with your plight. I think I need help to break this cycle....my spirit has been crushed. Please keep posting and know you are not alone. ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 9:02am
Sassy and others--
We can help support eachother!! I think just having someone validate our feelings for once helps immensely!!!!!!
I have been doing a lot of research on emotional and verbal abusers..My h fits the profile like a glove...very eye-opening. Some web sites even gave some examples that were ver batim things he has said or done to me in the past. It has helped me gain some emotional distance from the b.s. he dishes out daily. I am starting to see the entire situation with different eyes. I am taking care of myself, my unborn baby and my two wonderful children and letting this marriage take a back seat FOR ONCE!!!!! I'm also starting to feel stronger...thanks to a lot of soul searching and prayer...
Let's continue to help eachother....Support is crucial!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs to all of you!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 9:55am
mrsm thank you for your kind words. It is so difficult to express the mixmux of emotions that I feel everyday. My SO is so fun loving and charismic with family and friends but behind closed doors he turns into this critical, sarcastic, cynical, mean tyrant. No matter what I do to meet his expections it is never enough. He overlooks the positive and picks out all of the inadequacies. He tells me he doesn't love me or like me for that matter, I'm boring, he's embarrassed of me socially, and calls me terrible names. When I tell him how much it hurts me he tells me that I am the one making him act this way because I make him do it. His love for me is conditional on his mood and how well I am meeting his expectations. When I wake up in the morning I'm not sure if he will be receptive or resentful toward me. More often than not it is loathing. I yearn for the day that I will wake up in the morning to someone who greets me with a hug and a smile. I know it will not be with this man. He does not have it in him. I am tired of jumping through hoops for him. I am a professional with a great job that I love. At work I smile, laugh, and offer my opinions freely and receive much respect. There is a wide gap between my SO's impression of me and everyone else. My Dad is very concerned and told me last week that he wished he could tell me that this relationship was worth everything I was going through but because he loved and cared for me his advice was for me to make a life for myself without this person. It hurts my Dad to see how I am being treated. SO left for work this morning without saying a word to me....I am crying but my tears are not for him and our future together. I am getting stronger by the day and I will make my life right for me. Hugs to you and prayers of strength are coming your way. Hugs, ~Sassy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 11:24am
You really don't deserve this sweetie, you're six months pregnant, you don't need this extra stress. It will only get worse. I am in an abusive relationship myself and haven't left him yet, and this is how it starts, he calls you worthless and idiot, you're none of those things.
Believe me when I tell you he will not change, my boyfriend started off verbally abusing me, he's called me every name in the book, he has an explosive temper just like your man, everyone around him always walks on eggshells as well. Everyone kept telling me "its only going to get worse" I didnt' believe them, I denied what was happening to me with every fiber of my being. After awhile he started beating the crap out of me. I didn't want to believe it could get worse but it did, and it will for you as well...i'm so sorry to have to say this to you, i don't want you to think i am mean, but its the truth, you have to save yourself, you don't deserve this crap, you don't want to bring a baby in this world with an angry man like this. What kind of life will it be for you and your child? I know you're not ready to leave yet but in the meantime check out www.youarenotcrazy.com. Read up on verbal abuse, learn everything you can on this, you will feel better once you check out this site. You can talk to me anytime you would like, remember you are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 7:08pm
I have been going through a similar situation as this, minus the pregnancy. I cannot remember how old you said you are, but trust me on this - don't waste your time on this guy. He isn't going to change. I started dating a guy when I was around 33-34 years old, who was mentally and verbally abusive to me. Looking back, I have no idea why I tolerated it. but i did. After almost 2 years into it, he left me for another girl (we were living together and he asked me to move out). We were broke up for about a year-and-a half and then he started calling me again. Most people would have been smart and not talked to him, but not me. I kinda of got off on him calling me because it made me feel like he knew he had a mistake and that maybe he would come back a more mature, loving guy because he figured out that "I" was the one. Well, flashforward about another 2 years and he walked out of my apartment 2 weeks ago - during a discussion because I wouldn't go out drinking with him. he basically flipped his hands or threw them up in the air like he was done with me. I, too, have been called many names, including "lazy" and "boring." I can't believe there are more of these guys out there! And it makes me sick because I sense that you are younger (I am 40). Honestly, just get out of this - no matter what you have to do. At least you are not 6 years into this like me. I had/have those same feelings too. I kept hoping that my ex would meet someone else because his leaving ALWAYS had to be on HIS TERMS. there was never a such thing as a mature conversation about how we do not get along. He would flip out and say that we needed to 'work on things." Well, we worked on things off and on for 6 years and now I am 40 - not that there is anything wrong with that. but for women itis so much harder as they age to find a single guy without tons of issues. dump him now. I do not have kids but I can only imagine that having a baby to a guy like that would be a nightmare and your problems with multiply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 12:15am

With the exception of a few details, you could've been writing about my marriage! I'm not pregnant, but I have been married for 3 years and have been with my husband for over 8. It has been a difficult uphill battle because of his mood swings and the fact that his temper explodes at the drop of a hat. I am constantly walking on eggshells with him as well. Its difficult on me because he calls me names when he gets mad, ignores me, and has even ruined (by ignoring me) my 30th birthday and our 3rd anniversary....days that are very special obviously.

We have finally decided to separate. His family is from out of state, and he has decided to return home. We both have been in couples therapy and I always said that if things were good with US, that I'd follow him anywhere. But given that even our therapist has labeled his behavior as verbal abuse, I really don't see a future for us. I love him and know he's a good person (DEEP DOWN) however, I can't live like this anymore. I know I can find someone out there that will make me happy, but right now, I'm not getting that from him.

I'm sad because I have gone through a lot of my life with him and I've recently spent A LOT of time helping him pack and ready to move back to his home state. What have I gotten in return? His gloating about him leaving and tonight, more verbal abuse in the form of him being upset that I'm not excited too. So I figure I will enjoy the good parts of the last week he is here with me, and from there, I don't know what will happen....

But I do want you to know that I do know what you are going through... I've often given him an out as well and told him he should go if that's what he wants... And he also tells me he wants to start over and apologizes when he "blows up" - but things never really permanently change. More and more I realize these are symptoms of abuse. I'm slowly finding the strength to change the pattern and to break free of it, and I hope you will find that strength too so your baby doesn't enter into this world only to suffer similar things from your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sat, 09-16-2006 - 3:39pm
You're not crazy, and no one should have to live like this. It'll take time for you to be ready to get out, but it will be so worth it when you do. Keep posting, we are here to listen.
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