Is this verbal/emotional abuse?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:43pm |
My dh talks to me all the time as if I don't know what I am doing or like he would a teenager. When we travel he goes and checks in and asks that I wait in the car and it was years before he would get me my own room key. He always makes comments that other people are going to "hit on me". Our total paychecks barely cover bills but he seems to always have money. If I am unhappy that he tells me that I am either beeuing too emotional or that other people have things alot worse than I do, when I want to talk to him about anything he makes me wait untill he is done with what ever he is doing or if I call him at work telling him I need to talk to him about something he says he will call me back but many times he doesn't. When we are traveling he doesn't like me to do anything by myself.
If I ever make a decision without talking to him he lets me know how disatisfied he is that he wasn't consulted and to ask him next time.
Is this abuse, or just a control feak?(as our oldest son who is about ready to leave home calls him)
Thank you for your help
L J

What I see missing in all of this is YOU. YOU can't talk to him about anything until he is willing to hear it and then he "forgets" to consult you on a problem you have. See how you are "missing?"
Your son calls him a "control freak" which he is and he does it for many reasons, one that he is emotionally insecure and two that he is insecure about those closest to him, what they do. He does not trust you (or your son) and in his mind to "control" both of you is how he keeps control of himself. See, he really does not have self control, with or without you. How could he have so much time to live three lives, yours, his and your son's? And in the process he is killing your life.
Let me ask you this; Are you happy and growing and having as complete a life as you want? The answer to that will answer any question you have. What you do with the answer is totally up to you.
Hi Traveler and welcome -
From what you've described, he definitely sounds abusive.
CL-Blueliner4
I found 21 things on the list that fit my situation.
I guess my biggest problem has always been that other people have it worse than me.And because of that things must not be so bad and I can survive.
I don't know if it is because I am strong or that I have too much pride, but I know that I
I deserve better than what I am getting and that I am worth it. But, why I stay in my situation is beyond me, other than my Dh's father is dying of cancer and I promised myself I would never get divorced because my parents did and it was hard.
making decisions that effect my childrens lives as well as my own are far from easy.
L J
Ps is making a life changing decision ever easy???????
Compared to some of the other women here, mine was a walk in the park, too, at first glance.
CL-Blueliner4
Hi traveler…welcome to you.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
- Maya Angelou
I have actually tried to leave him 2 x before. The first time he said he loved me and wanted to work things out (he'd had a affair when I was 8 mo. pregnat w/ our last child) The last time was 4 years ago and he told me I could leave but the kids were staying. I had consulted a lawyer and was told that if I left the house then he would get the kids. This was obviously not an option for me. He has a brother who is a lawyer and sister-in -law who is a lawyer as well and always confurs with them on all legal matters. I have no one like that in my corner. So, I find that very intimidating. The other thing is with his dad dying of cancer I can just hear it now how inconciderate I was to leave him at such a tough time for him and god forbid if his dad died right after I left than it would me my fault. I know this sounds crazy but that is how his family is they have alway turned on the ex girl friends/wives. Nice a can be to thier face but the minute you turn your back or do something that they concider wrong than boy do they give it to you with silence cold shoulder not including you, well thats another long story.
I think you are right about going to a counciler and that is probally the first step, it is just getting him to agree to it (even if I am just going) so many times he'll say it is okay to do something but when ity comes time to do it he makes a big stink and complains or suddenly we don't have the money.
Thanks again for the support and I will look at the links and other posts on the board.
anyother suggestions or ideas are apprechiated.
L J
If there is any type of abuse going on in the household and you leave with the kids, I highly doubt any court will question that, especially if you seek help at a shelter and do everything legally
CL-Blueliner4
I think you are definitely a victim of abuse and manipulation. I was married 27 years before the full effect of what he had done to me started taking a toll on my very being. Unlike you, I took care of all the finances. He spent freely and I juggled the $$ so he and the children could have whatever they wanted. I, on the other hand, wouldn't dare make any purchases for myself. If I did, I hid them and slowly brought them into the picture so I didn't have to explain them. I alway justified it by telling myself that I really didn't need anything anyway. To the public eye, we were the perfect couple. Wendell the Wonderful and his wife. Everything revolved around him and his total sacrificing for the children. In fact, he made sure everyone knew that he gave his life up for the children. Heck, he had me believing it too. I've been out almost 6 months and am just slowly realizing the magnitude of his manipulation and control. I was never allowed to have an issue. I just had to maintain the household and let him take care of the kids. Like you, I never thought of my happiness, just the commitments I made to others and how I felt I had to follow through. His family was the same as your H's. In fact, I am still amazed that after 27 years of marriage his family completely cut me off when he walked out the door.
Keep reading and learning. One day you will open your eyes and realize that traveler is a wonderful person and should be treated accordingly. It's amazing how things start falling into place when you take your own life into your hands and live according to your rules, not someone elses! Don't be surprised though, when you start this you will be fought tooth and nail to keep you in place. When I made the decision to seek my own counselor that is when things escalated full force. I think Wendell knew deep down that the moment I went to this counselor his cover was going to be blown. So be careful, keep reading, keep posting. We've all been there and are here for you now.
Terry
You are right about the waiting, it could take years and I also really hope that he gets better but I am afraid that would take a miracle. I also don't think I can stand to wait for years, a year max but I'd really like to find the strength to start sooner than that.
I am trying to get another job. I am not holding my breath as I work for him and his brother and I have been trying to leave for a year. I think I might try and talk to an attorney, there is a new woman attorney in town I might go talk to - I am afraid tho because I f someone saw me go there he would find out he is friends with a lot of people , and law enforcement, he also usd to watch me with binoculars and altho I don't think he still does (I wasn't working for him then) I still feel as if he would do it again if he thought he had a reason to.
As far as trying to get out of town to see an attorney it is very hard for me to get out of town without my dh.
Some one mentioned advice on line I will have to look back and check it out
Thanks again for listening and for your help : )
XO
LJ