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| Sat, 07-03-2004 - 11:15am |
I've recently been shocked with the realization that our marriage isn't "normal". For the past couple of years I thought it was me, that I was going insane, afflicted with a mood disorder. OMG, I don't even know where to begin!! The checklist "Extensive List" had 53 matches - and then some, as not all were listed. I feel so stupid - How could I not have seen this before? Rather, I did and we legally separated (which he says "is a joke in itself - Marriage is of the heart, not paper") -- but I returned with our three children to give it another go. If I had known then what I definately know now we would not have moved to an oveseas station...and I would not be isolated from friends, limited in movement, money, ideas, hobbies, etc. Oh my! Where/what do I do now?
I posted on another board last week, and thought afterwards that I had jumped too quick to the conclusion that my husband was controlling... So I started paying closer attention; tested the theory, so to speak. We had a nice little conversation wherein he revealed his real opinions of his coworkers -- I suggested that maybe he was being too harsh on them, that maybe they felt trapped beneath him...and he locked up. Maybe he picked up on the subliminal message that I also felt that way? He said some very cruel things to them, after all. In this talk I found out that I am "not a very neat person, never thought that I was" -- THAT HURT - 6 months ago he agreed that I "was OCD and depressed because I couldn't control everything". Not true, I have long since rescended the idea that a clean home is a happy home, things obviously don't work that way.
No, I sit here smoking one cigarette after another. I've withdrawn from the children(7,4,3), which is not good. It seems like when I do have a good day with them while he is at work, he feels neglected when he returns because I am the favorite person of the day. I'd rather avoid the whole mess of it. Our seven year old comes to me for "One of our talks" and says that he "doesn't feel very loved when he is sad"... I mention it to the daddy-person, but nothing changes and nothing is said except "Ah, he's just too sensitive" -- he's constantly telling our son that he "needs to toughen up". While I disagree, and DO call him on it... it just doesn't filter through.
I need to go - pack up the kids and go away for a while. I don't want to leave him totally, but just get a break - let him see that my way isn't so wrong. Our talk turned to that very idea, the army will pay for it as if it were a normal transfer - money isn't the issue. I could get a job and "rent" from family. HE vetoed the idea, saying he would have to live with the single soliders, he would turn to drinking, would be lonely. No, THAT HURTS. But our talk ended on a good note (yeah, sure) with him suggesting I create a 2-week menu plan and build a grocery list from it. (WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? And wasn't that my idea 2 years ago and he said no?) Add the comments "you are just not the 'housewife' type"...
I'm losing it ladies - truely going INSANE. Now that he knows I am not happy in this situation and am ready to go, he is doing everything in his power to be sweet and keep us here. Suddenly I am sexy, the most desirable woman on the planet; the best cook; the most talented; an incredible mother... funny thing is, I've literally not done ANYTHING remotely housewifey and it's all shoved in a handbasket -- I know he is filling me full of fluff.
The only thing I've got to leave on is desire.

You're not alone. You deserve more. You deserve a life. My daughter's life is screwed up because I stayed too long. Think of your kids and you. Good luck......
Happy
Welcome to the board, sheflewaway.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
You say "total meltdown" -- been there. I colapsed at work in a total emotional breakdown; that was before the separation and haven't worked since. Right now I feel like I'm frozen in time and stuck on the comments he's made recently. I thought maybe I should conform, you know, do what has to be done -- but it isn't changing... no matter how sweet he seems to be. At this point I am "obsessing about the future", according to him. In fact, I'm dreaming of a life without constraints. And I'm babbling - badly. I keep looking for other answers on the friggin INTERNET -- which totally frustrates me because the only answers are here in this domain and I just don't want to face it. Denial is a witch.
So here is where I am folks. I wanted to make a plan to go back "home", yet I am afraid to do any planning through family because I don't know how relative any of my assumptions really are - don't know how they will react. Today I started "homemaking" again. He came home for lunch and I spouted off how I was trying to do this and that - briefly of course.
And I have stared at this computer screen waiting for it to talk to me... afraid to pick up the phone because HE is the only one I have to call and complain to. HE is my only avenue out, how screwed up is that??? It's time to make a stand and I am truely scared to try... he will be there, looking down on me and questioning why it is necessary. I won't have any answers that won't make it bitter.
Give me strength.
Cheryl, thank you also for your in-depth reply. I have listend and heard... and building courage.
Oh dear. Here goes.
As I read your comment on having a good day with your children, then suffering for it at night - boy can I relate to that!!! I remember on at least one occasion, telling my son that I would come to his school for something that he wanted me there for and my dh pouting, sulking and moping around because I was going to my son's school instead of "what?", being here with him I guess! I realize now (well, hindsight IS 20/20) that he was manipulating me, he was/is jealous anytime I give my attention in any other direction than him - even at the expense of his childrens emotional well being. I wish I had seen it when it was happening - but I didn't. But I'm not dwelling on the past (thanks buff) I'm living in the present, have learned (hopefully) from the past and am attempting to think about the future - MY future.
Any way - keep reading all you can. When I have a few more minutes, I'll pop back in to see how your doing.
Hugs,
Ples
Wow, ples... the example you gave brought such a flood to my eyes, had to walk away. It's too close to the same! :*( May I ask what you did when you realized what had been happening? I aspire to reach the point of contentment that you seem to have.
It's been an emotional night - er, 630am here right now. He just fought his way out of the bed, attacked the stereo alarm, threw tea and ice across the kitchen, banged and stomped around for a few minutes before cussing at the truck and leaving. We had another one of "those" talks last night. It's a good thing he isn't physical, makes me wonder if he is even aware of the force of his words; if he wasn't, he is now.
It looks as if we've gained 'permission' to leave (later rephrased as 'aiding the return home' - Progress???) In the midst of conversation so many topics came up. How do you ladies deal with the guilt trips? I can't take this second-guessing crap anymore!
and while I'm skipping track on a caffine buzz with no sleep; Have you ever heard of a human without a desire to achieve something in life? He actually admitted to NOT having any aspirations, expectations, or lifelong goals. What is that about?
I swaer, tired of trying to figure it out.