Was this abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2004
Was this abuse?
6
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 1:05pm
My name is amanda, and in the last few weeks my 4 year relationship with my boyfriend ended. I am only 20 years old, so this relationship has been a signigicant part of my life for the past few years and i am really devastated by the breakup. Although for the first two years of the relationship he treated my wonderfully, looking back on it now I can clearly see that his treatment of me was not acceptable and by the end, was possibly abusive. All of my friends/family (and even his closest friends) seem to agree that he didn't treat me very well, but i'm wondering if everyone is just saying this to support me and just agree with me during this rough time. Because we are so young, I often attributed some of his mistreatment to my own faults, and I was constatly trying to change things about myself in order to make him happier. He is dealing with a lot in his life, and has been for the past two years or so, and has gone through periods of depression. During these times he breaks up with me, tells me he doesn't love me "like that" anymore, that he doesn't have feelings for me, and gives me various reasons why he doesn't want to be with me. Although I tried so hard to stand my ground, i would end up apologizing and crying and promising to change in whatever ways i could in order to be with him again. Each time (this happened 4 times) we would always get back together within a few weeks, again with me promising all these changes (such as not being upset if he doesn't want to spend time with me at parties, not being upset if he would rather drink than be with me, not asking him to make plans with me for a date ahead of time-since he didn't like committing to events more than a day into the future). By the end I felt like he basically had control over the entire relationsip. I felt like he was always critical of something about me, and that there was always something that needed to be changed about the way I acted. I felt like I was just walking on eggshells to make sure he wouldn't get mad at me again or dump me, and every time we fought i feared he would break up with me again. he would seem to get mad at me for anything that i did or said, and i felt like he would 'punish' me by not talking to me or ignoring me whenever he was upset.

Towards the end of the relationship I felt like he had just lost all respect for me. Once he realized that I would stick by him thorough his tough times, even if he treated me badly, he saw he could treat me pretty much however he wanted and dictate the course of the relationship, and that i loved him so much that I would accept that. He even tells me that I shouldn't complain about how he treated me and that I should have "had the balls" to break up with him if i really felt this way. I'm mad at myself for putting up with his treatment, and i'm embarassed that despite all this i still love him, miss him, and want him back. he doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong, and always finds a way to turn around and blame me for every problem that we had. he's never hit me or abused me physically, nor has he called me any names like 'bitch', 'whore', etc...is this/was this emotional abuse?

thanks for letting me vent, i would really appreciate any support or comments anyone has for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
In reply to: iamanda88
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 2:09pm
I'm not expert, but he sounds emotionally abusive to me.

Sometimes we lose ourselves when we fall in love with someone, and to preserve the relationship, we tolerate just about anything. I know I have done that the past two and a half years with my husband and I'm getting ready to leave realizing how horribly he has treated me.

You sound like a very nice girl. Just remember, you should not have to go through all that for someone to love you. Be yourself and there will be a person out there who loves you for you. If he fell in love with who you were to begin with, then there's no reason to change yourself. Always be true to yourself, for that's who you can rely on most.

You came to the right place and quite a few of us have broken hearts here and are trying to deal with them as best we can. The sad part is, at least for me, that I'm broken-hearted to someone who was horrible to me.

Catlover66

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: iamanda88
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:04pm

Hi Amanda, welcome -


There's a lot in your post that does indeed point to him being abusive, despite never calling you a name or laying a hand on you.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
In reply to: iamanda88
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:24pm
Most of the things you said in the first part of your message are exactly how my b/f and I act together!! He does all those things and I also feeared he would leave me and felt most the things you felt!!I never thought he would hurt me but now I am scared!!

Kristina

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
In reply to: iamanda88
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:38pm

Hi there -


I'm very sorry that all that info scared you, but if it scared you, something there made some sense.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
In reply to: iamanda88
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:26pm
Hi Amanda,

I really hate to see someone in a position that reminds me of how I saw my old relationship. Just know that things can only get worse for you if you continue to deal with such abuse.

My ex and I started dating when I was 19 years old (he was 27 years old and had a 3 year old from a previous marriage). The beginning was great, all the attention, and the prestige of his public service career obviously showed that he was caring. Needless to say, over the years, the treatment became less caring and more towards violence. I've had busted lips, bruises and all because he wanted to feel powerful when his insecurities would get the best of him. I am a naturally independent person and that was just something he couldn't handle. I finished college on my own and started working for a great law firm and the more I improved my standings, the more violent he would become. In the beginning, he could contain it to just at home. As the years past, he couldn't contain in public, especially if he had been drinking, and others began to see his personality. His friends, my family, and my friends all said to leave but the promise of change and his son made me stay for over 5 years. The bomb that caused me to leave permanently was a few weeks ago. I invited him to meet with my firm and one of our most prestifious clients for a happy hour party at a nice restaraunt. He showed up after work (9pm) and began downing crown and coke's. By 10:30pm he was lit. My client asked for us to go to another bar and have a few drinks and dance. By the time we got there and ordered, the conversation of religion came up. He got so angry with my client that he threw the table and drinks on top of my client. He was escorted out by the bouncer and he took off in my truck. He called my cell phone and left some of the most vulgar messages I have ever heard in my life. (don't worry, I taped them for future reference!) I made the decision at that moment that he was never going to change or think that he has a problem. The next day while he was at work, I went to the house and took everything I owned. Left the engagement ring on the counter and have not talked to him since. Dont get me wrong, he has called but I noticed now how more relaxed and stress free I am without him in my life. I have lost weight and have become more active. I miss his son but I can't stay just to be a stepmom.

I hope that you can see that although it may be hard now, life will get better. Don't let it take 5 years worth of physical and emotional abuse like me to realize that you are a great person with a great future ahead of you. You deserve someone that will love you unconditionally. I found a person like that and I know you can to!

I wish you all the best of luck and happiness that life may provide you!

Sincerely,

Tanya
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
In reply to: iamanda88
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:38pm
My boyfriend is 23 and I am 19 as of tomorrow!! He tells me he loves me, he would do anything for me, and he would never hurt me, etc!! But the problem is that he has told me from the begining that he wants kids and he wants to marry me but he wants to wait awhile, I didn't want to wait but decided I would! Then last weekend he told me while we were having sex that he wanted me to get pregnant and have his baby!! I tried to ask him why the sudden change of heart and he told me he just changed his mind and when he wanted to talk to me about it he would!! He also told me that he knew I wanted it and so he just decided so did he!! He tells me what to do sometimes, he tells me shut-up, and he calls me a bitch every once in awhile but most of the time I am being one!! I am not saying that to defend him I really can be a big bitch!! He says he loves me but hardly shows me any affection....like holding my hand, putting his arms around me, etc!!! He doesn't ever want to talk about anything and if I ask him anything or try to talk to him he gets pissy!! I love him to death, I want to be with him very much, and I would do anything for him!! Last night him and I had a very in deepth conversation and talked about alot of things!!! But I need to know what you guys thing of this?? I posted a message on PROBLEM SOLVING FOR COUPLES and one women told me that he sounds abusive and all that and she has got me very worried and scared now!! The girl that started this discussion described a few things that sound very familiar to whats going on between me and my b/f!! Sorry so long!! I will let you go now!! Please help me if you can!!

Kristina