Was I wrong to do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Was I wrong to do this?
6
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 4:11pm
I have been really worried about my 10 yo DS. In addition to basically refusing to do anything I tell him and mocking me when I speak to him, he seems to be coming increasingly emotive. He is angry, sad. Says he hates himself and hates his life. That its not worth living. Has thrown massive tantrums over things. H says it is just the onset of puberty. I disagree and feel he needs to go see a counselor.

Anyway, I talked to H about it last night. Said I think we should send DS to a counselor. Said I was really worried about his behavior, both because he seems to have to respect for me and because I think he is seriously depressed. H said it is all because I "let him get away with it" and because he is going through puberty. H says DS never "pulls that stuff" when he is around. I maintain that it is because DS is afraid of what H will do. H has shoved him hard enough to leave bruises before. I think all of the kids are afraid. 8 yo DD has said "sometimes I cry when Daddy hurts brother, I'm afraid he's going to hurt me too."

OK, on to the rest. During this conversation, I told H that it was likely that a counselor would need family participation. That he, and I, would have to change some behavior if DS was going to get better. He kept walking out. Refusing to talk about it. Afterwards, I mulled whether it was wise for me to even talk to H about it. But I am afraid that counseling for DS wouldn't do much good if things don't change it home. I guess I was hoping for some buy-in from H. I know, maybe a fantasy, but as I haven't made a mental decision to leave him...

He was angry that I brought it up, or more so I guess that I was insisting that DS's behavior was outside the norm and that he needed help. H's response was "You are always right. I am always wrong. I don't care what you do." I just don't understand how anyone can see DS's behavior an not be completely distressed. And because DS only does some of this stuff around me, does that mean perhaps that I am the one causing his stress? I really am doing some soul-searching here to try to figure out what I can do differently.

And, was it wrong for me to discuss this counseling with H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:18pm

Hey MG -


Not only do I think you were 100% right in bringing this up with him, after all, he IS the father and last time I checked parenting was supposed to be a joint deal.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:22pm
Mg, I just wrote a very long reply to you and the system ate it.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:37pm

Mgnorth…any child having to deal with the severe level of child abuse and neglect that your husband puts your son through would be having major problems.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 2:46pm
I know all the things you say are true. I think at least 50 percent of the reason I feel so sad all of the time is the guilt over not dealing with this a long time ago. Over letting this happen to my children. And I do fear that my son will be damaged forever and will hate me for letting it happen.

I don't know why I am still there. Part of it is my upbringing. Very traditional. Very normal. Mom and dad are still married and are rational people. Before my H, I had only dealt with "normal" people, whatever that is. I guess I mean that I had always been around people who believed in society's basic mores and who responded to a reasoned discussion with equal reason, even if in a highly emotional way. My H is always saying that I always have to be right. But I just think some of this stuff is not a matter of opinion. There is a greater right and wrong and some of the things he has done are just wrong. There's no argument about that.

I just don't know how to respond or deal or cope with someone who disagrees that it is wrong to terrify a child, or push around a woman who has just given birth. I don't know how to deal with someone who, in response to pleas for a serious discussion, simply walks away and refuses to talk about it. I don't know how to deal with 9 years of unresolved conflict. All of these things confuse me greatly and when melded with the guilt, my resolve from a very young age that I would NEVER be divorced ... It just makes for one big mess... I am so grounded in the idea that with logic, reason and determination, everything can work. I guess perhaps for me, leaving feels like not only throwing life for a loop, but also abandoning some very central tenets of my personality and beliefs.

It hurts. It's scary. And frankly it's making me very very freaked out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:07pm

Okay, I'm going to try this again, mg.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 8:09am
Hi MG,

This is incredibly hard, no doubt about it, but please look at the first sentence in your reply post--'the reason I feel so sad all of the time'--that's NOT how your life should feel. I can understand the feeling that leaving would undermine your sense of identity and central beliefs. But you also say that you feel that some things are simply wrong, and I'm with you, as are the others on the board--what he's doing to your children and you is wrong. MG, it's clear that you're a highly intelligent strong, capable woman. It's also fairly clear that you're in a lot of pain. If you leave (and get counseling for you and your children) that could get better--not quickly, perhaps, but eventually. You aren't going to be able to make him better or change his behavior and attitudes--that's what the counselor has been telling me, and it kills me, but I know she's right. My H is entrenched in his beliefs and from what you write, so is yours. I know it's hard to get your mind around it, but I hope you do. YOU AND YOUR KIDS DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE.

I left last week, and I'm scared to death, frankly. It's a mess, but it also feels really good, in small flashes. What I do when I feel sad (besides cry in the shower) is try to imagine the alternative-a continuation of the erosion of my spirit, probably getting hit instead of just grabbed the next time I 'cross the line', the destruction of my credit, future blow-ups in front of my son, and having my son grow up seeing this behavior and thinking it's normal- and I know, deep down, that that's not a future I'm going to have. I don't have a clear picture of the future I am going to have, but it's going to be one h*ll of a lot better than that.

Good luck to you, and take good care of yourself. We started posting at about the same time, so I read your posts with interest.

CCINNC