Was This Really That Bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Was This Really That Bad?
5
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:48am
I've been out of the relationship for eleven months now. I have posted many times about experiencing emotional abuse. I check in from time to time but most recently, I'm starting to notice that perhaps what he said and did to me is sort of what everyone experiences - abusive or not. Kinda like a "Boys will be Boys" type of thing. Now I'm starting to question if his treatment of me really was that bad? It has been a hard road getting to the place emotionally where I am now. I guess I just need reassurance that infact it really was bad and would have only gotten worse.

Here are some things that happened to me:

- My mood was always dependent upon his. Whenever I greeted him, I had to gauge him first. Was he happy to see me? Did he not want me there? There were times when I'd walk in the door and he wouldn't get up off the couch or say "hi". He would walk right past me and not even give me a kiss.

- When out in public, he would walk ten steps in front of me and say that he just "forgot" to hold my hand. I'd ask him to wait but instead he'd say, "would you catch up"?

- He never liked saying "I Love You" because he wanted to keep things "fresh and new". I think I heard him say that all of three times while we were together. Eventhough he was the first to say it in the relationship.

- He would always cut me up about my driving, the music I listened to, the clothes I wore, the colour I painted my toe nails and even how I wore my hair. Anything I said or did could be taken as ammunition for later use.

- He always had tidbits of information about previous relationships/sexual experiences that he always brought up. Sometimes it was said by him with the hopes that our relationship would somehow mimmick those of his past. Always some comparison, some great memory or story about the "best years of his life". Somehow, I wasn't included in those?

- He never wanted to go out with my friends. He was always invited but completely shrugged it off like he couldn't be bothered. All outings were centered around his family/friends. Sometimes his married or coupled friends would make plans with him and he wouldn't want to tell me/include me or instead say "well, you can come if you want".

- He'd check my cell phone to see who had called me or drive by my house the nights we weren't together to see if my car was there.

- He'd accuse me of being places when I wasn't, seeing people that I never saw or tell me things that I said when I never said such things. I thought I was going crazy-honestly.

Through all of this, I was loyal and honest. I broke up with him many times because of these kinds of things. He would always promise to try harder and learn to stop taking me for granted. In the end, he was the one who broke up with me.

Please tell me that this is not normal and that I didn't instigate this kind of treatment. I can't blame myself cause I know that I tried. I guess I'm just wondering if there was anything else I could have done? Or, are these classic signs of a commitmentphobe? narcissist? emotional abuser? Could I ever have loved him enough to make him see?

Thanks everyone :)







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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 4:05am
you did the right thing.

and don't let anyone tell you differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 6:27am
Hopeful,

Stop second guessing yourself. You more than did the right thing. Maybe boys will be boys, but jerks will be jerks too. Reread your post and you will see how lucky you are without him. The problem with us is that we cannot conceive the idea of being other than honest. You've been out 11 months and soon will be celebrating a whole year of freedom, so stick that little chin up and enjoy! In fact, take this list and hang it on your refrigerator and don't let anyone ever do these things to you again. They have no right.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:36pm

Not wanting to go out with your friends = isolation


Checking your cellphone = monitoring who you are in communication with


He would routinely ignore you.


You were not his equal in public.


Witholding affection


Insulted your looks.


Put down actions/hypercritical of you


Would throw other relationships in your face.


Accused you of being places you weren't.


Accused you of saying things you didn't (oh, lord, that was a frequent in my house)


None of this is normal, all of it is abusive.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 6:33pm
Hey,

That IS abuse! He is definately an emotional abuser.Im dealing with the same thing right now... and Im glad to hear Im not the only one. But Im married to this guy, and Im only 19. The only thing is I think Im gonna be stuck here forever...I dont think there is anyone who can help me since he keeps me away from family and friends. I dont know what to do... but I just wanna tell you, Your lucky you got out!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 7:09pm

Hi, Freaky, and welcome -


No, you DON'T have to stay like this.

CL-Blueliner4