We have seperated, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
We have seperated, now what?
4
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:42pm

Hi, my name is Crystal and I have recently left my husband.
Three weeks ago he tried to kill me and if it wasnt for a sil that I didnt like before I would not be writing this now. He has bipolar that was untreated. I say was because the day after I left he checked himself into a mental health hospital and now thinks we should eventually get a place together. This is not what I want. I feel so guilty because the kids all want us to be together again and he does too. I married him "in sickness and in health" but in my mind "till death do us part" happened the day he tried to make it real. I do not want to give him another oppurtunity to try again.

I am afraid if I tell him this though he will try to commit suicide or do something to me or the kids. He has threatend that if I ever left him he would take our youngest two kids and dissappear with them. (The oldest two are mine from previous relationships and despite what he says now, he has no interest in them)

So how do I break the cycle of letting him talk me into coming back?

I am so lost and confused, all I know for sure is I dont want to move back in with him...if he ever manages to get his own place. I dont want to go on the date he has planned for us next weekend. I wish this was easier.

I have no friends in real life since he managed to get rid of them long ago and my only online friend tells me that she thinks I dont really want him to leave me alone cuz I like the attention, but that isnt really true. I do not like to talk to him anymore and I dont like "leading him on" which is what I feel like I am doing by not being honest, but I am scared.

Anyone have any kind of advice for me?

Thanks in advance.
Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 11:55pm

Hi Crystal.

Welcome to the board... you have came to the right place. I have received great advice here, as I am sure you will too.

Very important is the NO CONTACT rule. It is very difficult to follow and to keep but it is the best medicine for you to get better. He will not be contacting you, he will not be trying to win you back, he will not be mean to you anymore or threaten you.

I am sure it has been and will be hard with your kids telling you they want to see him. That is the worst thing for them. They do not need to be around an abusive mind. They will start to see the way he treats you and they will start to think it's right. It is wrong, and they do not need him in your life. You don't need him in your life.

He has a few issues that he needs to treat himself. You can not do anything for him anymore.

He tried to kill you. That is huge. You need to run away from this man no matter what he says to you. You need to hide from him. Change your phone numbers, move if you can. He is dangerous if he tried to kill you once. He might say he will never do it again. But the one thing I learned from abusers is to not trust them. They do not keep their promises.

Also, it would be a good idea to call the Domestic Abuse hotline. Here is the board website with lots of information on it: http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Please keep us posted. Ask as many questions you want, post as much as you like. It does really help just to get your feelings out to people that have been in the same boat as you. Might not be the same kind of boat, but I have been in an abusive relationship.

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 8:15am

Lauren,
Thanks so much for your reply. What you said makes so much sense, but I still worry about what the kids will think if I just shut off communication between them and him. Right now he is the fun parent. I am the one who is making them eat their vegitables, wear clean socks every day, and go to bed at 8pm. He is the one who is taking them to McDonalds, the zoo and buying them stuff. We never did any of that when we were "together" but now he says he is a changed man and wants to do all that for them.

I know he is just doing it for show, but they dont know that and if I tell them that it will just seem like I am just being mean. I live with my parents so I feel that I am safe enough here. He wont even come here because he dont like them and knows they dont like him.

I know I should cut off communication, but I fear what will happen to the kids and I am afraid of what he will do if I do. I shouldnt be afraid of what MAY happen, but I am.

Anyway, thanks for "listening". It really does help to know someone is on my side, even if it is just someone online who I have never met and probably never will :)

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 1:35pm

Crystal,

How old are you kids? I am just curious because I think eventually they will realize what kind of man he is. If he is brainwashing them as much as you? He is treating them so well lately and buying them stuff to try and win them back. I learned that with my abuser. He would do anything to try and get me back. I think he is doing the same thing, but it seems a lot easier with kids because he will just buy stuff for them and they only see presents!!

He has not changed. He cannot change that quickly. He is saying he has changed to try and convince you to go back to him and forgive him. Do not belive him. There is no way that he can change that quickly - it really is impossible.

I am not sure how the laws work with children now-a-days. If he is the father, maybe he does have some sort of custody? I do not have children, so I have no clue. I would think he has some kind of visitation rights if he is the father... You might need to check that out. Hope someone else on the board will post some info.

I am glad that you live with your parents and you feel safe there. My parents didn't like my X and my X didn't like them. I thought it could work out eventually, but I was just lying to myself. That should have been a big enough warning sign for me in the beginning, but I didn't want to believe it.

No problem for being here and listening. That is what the board is for. There will be a lot of women on your side once they read your story. You are not alone - remember that. The best advice that I received was from women that were also in abusive relationships. That is why this board is so great.

Keep Posting away. Vent. Lurk.

Lauren

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 6:40pm

The kids are 11, 7, 6 and 22months. The 11 year old and 7 year old are mine from earlier relationships. I think he is just trying to win back their affection. They were all pissed off at him at first then I told them he was sick in his head and now all I hear about is "when do I get to see daddy again?" It is frusterating to be the only one now to take care of them constantly, but I cant trust him with them and besides he cant take them living in a half way house.

He claims the medicine makes all the difference in how he acts and feels. Plus he isnt doing drugs anymore. He was smoking pot all the time and taking any kind of pill he could get his hands on. Xanax were his favorite. Before he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. We have only been out on a "date" three times ever in 7 years.

I feel guilty because maybe it was his bipolar that made him act like that and if that is the case then me leaving him because of it is breaking my vow to love him in sickness and in health. But damn, how can I go back and take the chance of him doing this again? That was not the first time he was physically abusive. He used to in the very beginning of our relationship hit me and stuff all the time, then one night in 2001 he beat me up pretty good and I called the cops on him and he went to jail. He never did it again and I thought he never would. So he went from smacking me around to just verbally abusing me and then I guess holding it in for four years got to him.

In Indiana, both parents have equal custody until we go to court to have a custody order issued by the judge. So he cant make me give him the kids and if he gets them I cant make him give them back. If they are at a sitter, either of us can go and demand them to be handed over. I dont really think any judge will give him any kind of custody though while he lives in a half way house since he cant even have them spend the night there. I am more worried about him taking the two youngest and disappearing with them. I wouldnt be able to do anything about that because of the way the law is set up. All I would be told is to take it to court. That happend with my oldest son. When he was 18 months old his dad and I split up and I let him take him for a visit and he hid him from me and it took me four months to see him again because the cops just told me to take him to court and no lawyer will even talk to you without a huge retainer.

Yeah, I wish I had listend to my parents, or my own good sense actually before I ever got with him. Hind sight is always 20/20 though.

Thanks for the response.

Crystal