Weird stuff happening . . . questions
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|Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:12am|
I also told him that I would continue to step in when I feel it's necessary between him and the girls. He hates that - is already reacting by telling me each time that he's not abusing them and that nothing bad was happening until I stepped into it. When he has said this, I just say to him, if that's how you want to remember it, that's fine with me, but I'm not going to stop. He was mad about it the other day, slammed down the syrup jar and stomped off to ride the bike and burn off the anger, I guess. But I stuck with it and followed him downstairs and told him that.
My new job has me working from 11 or so until 6:30 or so. I've been getting home between 6:30 and 7 with both girls - my 8yo is enrolled in my program and my 15yo works for me. The first couple of weeks, I put food in the crock pot so that he could just get it on the table, but he complained that my returning to work created more work for him. (Is there a universe somewhere where that SHOULDN'T be the case? LOL) But this week, he's been cooking dinner every night. I just make sure that there is something to cook, and he prepares it and puts it on the table and cleans up after himself - huge surprise!. When I wasn't working, he didn't get home until 5:30ish, but now, he's leaving work no later than 4:30, coming home and exercising, and then getting dinner on the table. Of course, he complains about what time I get home, but that isn't going to change.
When I got my first paycheck, it was just $25 less than his paycheck - take home. That was an interesting day. While he wants me to work because we need the money, he has a real hard time with me making a similar amount and with me being gone from the house. He really doesn't want me to work, and if I do work, he doesn't want me to be successful at it. He can work 60 hours a week without getting paid for that - he's a teacher - but if I work one minute over my allotted time, he wants to know how much extra they are paying me - I'm a salaried employee, not hourly. And this is something that he has always done. Of course, I was laid off for 11 months, and he talks about that as me *getting to take a year off*. Like I chose to be laid off for a year!
But he does some other weird stuff now. He's ultra competitive with me - we took an instructor's course together last fall and I scored higher than he did on both the practical and the written and he didn't talk to me for two days! - but at the same time, he'll track me down to get my help when he can't figure something out on his own. (We both are computer *experts*.) At the same time, he lectures me on how to run my program, like I'm not intelligent enough to know how to do my own job.
I had a homebased business for a short time - an MLM-type thing - and he hated it, kept asking when it was going to start bringing us money instead of costing us money. At the same time, he was emailing me home business ads that he got through email mailing lists. Just today he emailed me another one about processing rebates from Fedex, knowing full well that I have a job now.
After the dinner and movie thing, we *made up* and all was well with him for the next day or two. But he hasn't approached me since and I know that his *building up* phase is based mostly on lack of sex. What I mean by that is that if I bite the bullet while he's beginning to act like a jacka** and initiate sex, his building phase starts over so that there is more time before his next explosion. Does that make sense? His building and explosion stages seem to me to based solely on whether or not he's getting sex everyday or so. But we haven't had sex since the *make up* night, and so I'm beginning to see the building phase again. And it's actually pretty quick compared to the cycle in the past.
Maybe I should explain that last paragraph more. It doesn't make sense, I know. Here's the way it works. H expects sex at least every other day. However, like many of the abusive SOs here, he can actually go days without speaking directly to me, which means that we have no real contact - physical or verbal - unless I intiate it. He never physically touches me unless I touch him first - example: I'm walking into our bedroom while he is walking out, he will back up and let me pass rather than touch me as we walk past each other. Make sense? And so his way of letting me know he wants sex tonight is to either take me to dinner and/or a movie (in which case, he just expects sex to happen since we went on a date) or he offers me a massage before bed. He never actually touches me - intimate or otherwise. It makes it hard for me to initiate sex because he never talks to me - he only is able to talk AT me. There is no intimacy in the relationship whatsoever - for him sex is the intimacy. And it's expected as a result of his romantic gestures such as taking me out to dinner with no children. He doesn't hold my hand or talk to me about anything, just takes me to dinner or a movie. If we do have a conversation, it's like shooting the breeze with someone you just met at a cocktail party. Make sense?
Anyway, the point is that his behavior is escalating in some ways, but he is also doing some of the things he thinks I want him to do in order for me to want to stay. I guess I already know that this is probably *normal* for someone who is beginning to panic about the possibility of my leaving. He's never hit me or reacted to me in any way to suggest physical violence - except once 9 years ago (he didn't actually hit me, just grabbed me and pulled his fist back like he was going to hit me and I kneed him in the groin) and he doesn't remember it. Nothing remotely like that before or since. Should I feel concerned that it might happen? Or is it more likely that he'll continue the same kinds of behaviors that he's exhibited throughout our marriage, but continue escalating them?
Another question (different topic) is this: when discussing the possibility of financial help to get my own place, my mother suggested that I should not leave the house but should figure out a way to make him leave. I explained to her that it didn't work that way in my marriage - if we fight, he will not sleep on the sofa, it's his bed, he paid for it, he's sleeping in it. I'm sure he looks at this house the same way. Am I giving up my right to property if I physically leave that property? I know, read the legal stuff. I did. And it isn't clear. How can I fix it so that he will be the one to physically leave without jeopardizing safety? Ideas?
I know this has been a mish mash of stuff and some doesn't make any sense. I'm having that kind of morning. And now, I have to go to work. So any ideas, help, suggestions are welcome. I'm usually much more coherent than this - I'm just as confused as I sound! Thanks!