Well the "honeymoon" is over...Now this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Well the "honeymoon" is over...Now this
6
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 12:48pm
Hey friends,
Well my resolve buckled once again. H came back, and we tried to become normal again. It was fine. For ONE day. Then the next night it all started again. The house wasn't clean enough, the laundry wasn't completely done. It was washed but not dried. So H finishes it. Says I should "thank" him for his help. Mom came by for me to do her hair. No hello from him, I was really nervous cause when my family is at my house he makes weird faces at me on the sly. Looks realy not faces. Then I had made dinner it was on the stove. The bottom browned a little too much that was called to my attention. He'd been gon all day. Putzing around. I'd cleaned and cooked all day. When he came home he had mowed the yard a bit, and my S finished it. H comes to supper with huge chip on shoulder. I ate almost in tears. Then it happend. I'd forgotton that bunco was that night. I only go once a month. My friend called and we talked. H says to me "I'm not doing the damn dishes" well that was my cue not to go. So i told her I couldn't and lied about why. Then I started to do dishes, I said to him, "I never get to go" he says,"you B I mowed and I'm exhausted, your a liar I never said you couldn't go" I said, "you didn't make it easy for me either did you?" Then he makes this huge screaming fit. I finished dishes and went in to do some computer work. H says he has chest pains and gets in bed. The computer isn't working. I decide to let S try and fix it. So I went and sat down on the sofa for a rest. H comes out and says, "Look at you, you don't even care. Sitting on the couch like it doesn't matter" I was stunned. At that point I am not sure what I don't care about its either me not checking on him, or me not working, one or the ohter. Then he yells at S and says get that thing fixed so she can get to work. I got up and walked to the bedroom. I said, "maybe you wouldn't have chest pains if you weren't such an angry old man". I shouldn't have said old, but at that point I just didn't care. So I decide that I will sleep elsewhere. The next morning I go to work. I told him "do not come at lunch time. I want to be alone." He starts yelling. Again. Then I decide I will leave early. H says "I don't know how to treat a man". I said, "when I have a man I will". Then he informs me that he is in constant communications with his "family", that I have serious mental issues. That he told them I called a shelter and that they think I am nuts too. So later in the day I come home. H leaves, doesn't say when he's coming home. I call on cell phone to ask a question of him. He doesn't answer and doesn't call back. H then comes home at around 10:30. Hops in bed. Tells me to turn the tv volume down. Rolls over. Wakes three more times to tell me to turn down the volume which I had already done! I finally just shut it off and go to sleep. I am awakened at 4:15 he says, "Wanna do it?". I lay there frozen. I said, "No I do not. I have had a bad night. I am in pain. I am sleeping. Please take some medication and go back to sleep". H gets up and slams bedroom door. I get comfortable and try to get back to sleep. H comes back in and says "I'm watching tv. Get up and go sleep somewhere else." I become so enraged that I can't see straight. Now I am crying. I am exhausted. In pain. I said No I am not leaving my bed. Theres a tv in living room you go out there. Then world war 3 erupts. He says that I am the abuser for telling him that I will leave him on a regular basis. I have said that too much and now he doesn't believe it. He says he will call the police on me (I did call on him once) for my anger. I grabbed his wrist to try and get him to look at me while I talked to him, he said that I am the abuser and he will show me. He's leaving me. His Sister is advising him. He says I will crumble. My kids will starve. I will be taking their "nice life" and giving them sorrow. That I am incompitant and will never make it alone. I'll have to find a man to help me. I have been crying all day. Is it true? Am I the abuser? Am I going to ruin my kids lives? Sometimes I wish I was just able to let him talk to me like this and ignore it. But inside I know its wrong. But now I am so confued. Am I the problem???
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003

Queen, let's take a look at this here.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
No you're not the problem. And you don't need that loser.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
These are all very classic traits of an abuser. He accepts no responsiblity for his actions, makes you feel like you're the crazy one, and makes it seem like you can't live life without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
You are absolutely NOT the problem. Think about someone you know who is very nice, or a very good friend. Would they treat you like that? None of the nice people I know would have EVER treated someone as you described you were treated. No, you are not the problem. I know, though, it is hard to rationalize when you are in the middle of it. I had many of the same situations as you described and it took several months away from him before I could really look at it clearly and see it for what it really was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
You know that sounds like something I'm going through. This past wednesday we got into a heated argument. But he really hits the buttons . He will forget what were arguing about and say stuff like " If you don't like it here, then leave." "There's the door?" and he has also gone as far as telling me I was a whore. I was so loose. I was crazy and so stupid if I left him I wouldn't even know how to keep going. Also when I was suicidal from all of this he told me to go ahead and kill myself and he would help me make it look like an accident so he could get money from it at least. After that and all the name calling he leaves. or asks for sex. And I usually give in because he will start again. I know. The thing that gets me is that he doesn't think he has a problem. It's me... I know I'm not the problem but I am for letting him do this to me. Now were back to normal. He woke up this morning and did the laundry, washed the kitchen, mopped and sweeped. He did everything. And when I look mad or discusted to him he has the nerve to ask what is wrong. Then when I bring it up he says. "Oh, stop it." "I said I was sorry" Let's start over." Augh!!! I just get so iritated. Now I have to go home and pretend nothing happend and just move on . I have so many scars. So much pain. I know I don't love him anymore I just can't seem to move on. I do have kids and that makes it even harder. I think of all the things we have (things.. did you hear that!) All the trips we go to. I know that one day I'm going to know when is going to be the last time. I just can't see it right now.
Thanks dor letting me vent ONCE more!!
-Moni
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005

My heart goes out to you after reading your post. I know how it feels to be in your position. I was there once in the past. And it hurts...it hurts A LOT.

Based on what you wrote, I do NOT think you are an abuser. I do however believe that your husband is. I don't know the rest of your story or history with your husband, but based on this post alone, if this was an attempt at reconciliation...it needs to be aborted immediately. Your husband does not see that he is the abuser. Until he does, this behavior he is exhibiting will only get worse.

Your husband's family supports him because either they see nothing wrong with his behavior (which makes them abusers too) or they only hear the parts of the story he wants them to hear, and only see what he wants them to see. I'm sure his version of events vary greatly from yours.

You are not going to ruin your kids' lives by leaving this man. They would be far better off not being in such a hostile environment. You don't deserve to have him treat you this way...ignoring it doesn't make the situation any better...he shouldn't be talking to you like that. Period. Ever. End of story.

You are not the problem, but you have the power to become the solution. You are strong, independent, capable, and deserving of a far better life than what you are enduring now. Your husband knows this is true, so he tries to lower your self-esteem by belittling you. He may not act like it on the surface, but inside he is intimidated by you. Not because you are an abuser, but because he knows you deserve better than what he's giving you. He's trying to bring you down to his level. This is a typical practice of abusers...mine did it to me too. Don't let him do it! Find somebody who's on top where you are! I wish you the best! E-mail me at lovekitties@mail2world.com if you need to talk.

Kim