Well, I "officially" filed for divorce..
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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 8:32am |
My lawyer changed a few of the grounds that I was not comfortable with, which I was pleased and we went over financial stuff. I keep thinking that we both will take such a hit financially with this...gosh, why didn't he see this before. Even worse, I'll be the one with the worse financial prospects in the future due to my career path....but at least I'll be free.
Last night, he was crying and begging again....and I basically said "I'm done with you...there is no more to do". He woke me up in the middle of the night. He actually came downstairs, where I have slept on the floor since July, and cried his heart out, sobbing. He kept apologizing again and again, and I said that I knew he was sorry, but its too late for all that now....he's destroyed what I had left, that he had 7 years to do otherwise. I told him I would never trust any of the changes he would ever make. He kept saying how he was suffering and how he couldn't understand why God would let him suffer...I told him he should then read the Book of Job and to stop questioning God. He kept asking me to just hold him or just reach out and touch him and I refused to. I finally just rolled over and went back to sleep.
This morning it was more of the same, crying begging routine. I told him he is NEVER to wake me up at night again for his mini-meltdowns....that if he wants to talk to me it has to be on MY time. He then said, in a very hurtful voice, "I can't believe you don't want to be there for me". LOL...guess what? WRONG THING TO SAY!!! All of a sudden, this rage came from deep from within me.....I unleashed a torrent of words that I don't think he's ever seen.....I began by asking him when has he been there for ME in the past 7 years when I promised to take him back? What about the times I was crying and upset and he turned and walked away? What about the times I was stressed and needed his help? That he was so completely selfish to think I should be there in the middle of the night for him when he hasn't given me anything in several years!!!!
I told him I was a damn good wife and mother...that I kept my end of the vows being supportive for all his career and educational goals, through the various moves to different states, and moving to take care of his parents, etc. etc. He kept agreeing with me that I was an excellent wife and mother.....again, wrong answer....I said "Oh really???? Were you thinking that when you spit in my face? Were you thinking that when you called me selfish and self centered for the past 3 years? Were you thinking that when you did NOTHING for me on Mother's Day 2002? Were you thinking that when I would come home from work, exhausted and depleted and you would just say "hey this is what you wanted" when you came home from drinking with co-workers?? Were you thinking that every time you said I was crazy like my mother? Were you thinking that when you actively prevented me from having a life outside this house...when you didn't come home when you knew I had plans to go out?" By this point I was screaming at him....and all he did was stood and cry and apologized.
I said its too late....I'm done, I have nothing left to give. IF he ever loved me, he would give me my freedom back. That up until now, he's only loved me in a selfish and conditional way....and to truly love me would me to just let me go. That for 15 years I have not lived my life according to me...I lived it according to him and its time to find me again...and I want MY name back, I want ME back...he can no longer have it.
Today, I'm just numb, bitter, angry, hurt, sad, confused, and scared. But I know that by taking these steps, I'm taking control of my life and I'm reclaiming ME. My friends who have been through divorce say that what I am experiencing is normal...and to expect to be all over the road for a while with my emotions.
All I keep thinking, though, is dammit, I was/am a good wife and mother...and I never deserved this treatment.
and I don't think I'll recover from all of this :-(
dharma

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As you see from my post, I filed, too. He hasn't gotten the papers yet. My emotions are going back and forth, but I'm praying to stay strong. We need to give each other support to stay out. When I had been married 7 years he would beg, cry, plead, but at 27 years he does none of that. You're just getting out before it gets worse.
Hugs,
Jackie
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