Went to DV counselor for the 1st time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Went to DV counselor for the 1st time!
3
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 2:05am

Hi everyone,

I finally met with a counselor at the DV shelter. She was very kind and understanding. I am supposed to start in a support group the first week of June. The group meets during the day so I can escape for 1 1/2 to meet. The only thing I'm afraid of is my h sometimes works from home and doesn't give me notice until the night before or day of, and on the days he's home, I'm pretty much imprisoned in my own home. About the only valid excuse for leaving the house during the day is to lie and say I am volunteering at the school.

He was home this week Tuesday and will be home tomorrow. Fortunately my appointment was today and nothing interfered. Although he did call me on my cell phone while I was waiting at the shelter stating he didn't hear from me all day and was just wondering how I was doing.

At first I thought he sensed that something was up, because he was very quiet and sulky when I picked him up from the train, and I'm thinking here we go another wonderful weekend....then at dinner he said to me what did you do with yourself all day. I mentioned I was at the school all day, and that he could even check with a few moms, etc. because I did happen to be at the school so enough people saw me there in case he checked.

Then he seemed to have backed off and the sulkiness left so I think he suspects nothing. Once again he mentioned how he hates how skinny I am. (Trust me by today's standards, I'm not skinny and only went from a size 16 to a 10, my weight before I had kids.) Then he said how I never say that he looks good even though he knows he is overweight and really doesn't look good, I could be nice and lie to him once in a while by telling him he looks good. I didn't even respond to that, but what is interesting is that the counselor knew exactly what she was talking about. For abusers, it's all about them, they are insecure and concerned they aren't going to be liked. So when someone disagrees with them, they take it personally!

Everytime I drop him off at the train he says he loves me, but I just can't say it back, because deep down I feel that he doesn't love me. If he did he would not take advantage of my weaknessess but value me for who I am not for what he wants me to be like.

I wish I could get over feeling so sad, why did I allow him to do this to me. I am an outgoing person when he is not around, but when he is I just clam up in fear.

Thanks for listening....I am trying so hard to not feel bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:08am

Give yourself time.

The time will come, when you will get out of this relationship.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 10:58am

I think it's great you have started your counseling there at the shelter.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 8:02pm

I really hope that your family will be supportive of you, because mine weren't. They pretty much disowned me after I married my now ex husband. They told me that I made my bed and that I could lay in it now. Except for my mom, she was still there for me, no matter what.

Good luck! :)