Were we just abusing each other??
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| Sun, 05-07-2006 - 7:47pm |
Okay, a little background info- my ex and I had a LOT in common. I guess you could say he was the male version of me. We were both short in height, both Italian, insecure, and both have very bad tempers. We had rough childhoods. He had a step dad that treated him badly, I had a step mom that treated me badly.
His dad ran out on him when he was five, my dad took my sisters and me away from our mom when I was six years old. (Only because we were in a foster home, we were only allowed visits with our mom.) Not only did my step mom verbally abuse me, but I had verbal and physical abuse from my older sisters as well (they're twins). When my sisters and I were in that foster home, we were verbally and phsycially abused. He had verbal and physical abuse from his step dad. He's been in and out of jail, I've just been in a residental home.
Both of our moms are dead. His mom died about a year before my mom died. He treated his mom like crap and I treated my dad like crap. (I now believe that I learned the verbal abuse from my step mom..just as she verbally abused my dad.)
I have the highest and upmost respect for my dad now and we get along great. As with my sisters, we get along wonderfully now. I believe that we have matured a lot over the years. I went from telling my dad I hate him and calling him an a$$$%&*, to thanking him for raising me right. Even though, my dad still lives in the past sometimes, and I would blow up at him for it. *rosy red cheeks*
We talked about our past a lot. I'd talk about mine and he'd let me know that his is worse than mine, because he got beat more badly than I did. We talked about our mom's deaths and how it affected us. (I was real tore up at the fact that the last time I saw my mom I was six and she died before we even got a reunion.)
We both used the "poor me" pity party excuse. "My step parent did this or that.. I hate them." Even though it's been years since our abuse occured. We understood each other, though. The way we felt when they treated us the way they did. And how some adults would treat us badly just because we weren't their kids. We finished each other's sentences a lot. He'd interrupt me and I'd interrupt him right back.
I could never hold a relationship for very long. I believe they normally lasted about two weeks or so. My ex was never alone..he always had someone, even if it was just a sexual partner. That's where we differ. Also, I'm a very shy and timid person, and he's very outgoing.
He treated his exes wrong, cheated on all of them, I believe that included myself, but I have no real proof of that. I treated my exes wrong, never cheated.. but I did like to make them insecure by flirting with other guys right in front of them. I realize now that's how I lost most of my boyfriends, lol. I also felt that I was better than most of them and that I derserved better. Yet, I never went looking for better. Most of them just broke up with me.
I am in the middle of reading this book called, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to reconize it and how to respond" by Patrica Evans. I can relate to 99.9% of the incidents in the book so far. However, I can't always relate to how the woman reacted when their husband or boyfriend would abuse them. They'd back down and tell them what they want to hear. I, on the other hand, would get very angry with my ex. I'd yell and say "no, that's not what happened". I defended myself very much. I told myself that it was self defense. Maybe that's what he was thinking about himself. I did not even realize that I was being verbally abusive until NOW. Today. Just a few minutes before I started this post. I don't think he knows he was very verbally abusive, maybe he has the idea but never came to grips with it.
He ALWAYS had to be around me 24/7. I actually liked it at times, though. But not always. There were times when I got to talk to my best friend alone, but it was never long enough to have a full out conversation. I needed that sometimes, so we'd have this thing..I'd say something like, "hey remember when you said you had to talk to me alone?" She knew just what that meant and say "yeah, let's go" And I'd talk about my ex. I liked the fact that he knew I was talking about him and I liked the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. This only happened twice. The first time, I was very upset at the way he was treating me but told him it was because of what my friend had told me and what she was going through. I told him I'd tell him if I could, but promised not to tell even him. He acted like he cared and hoped everything was okay.
The second time, after our conversation about him, I "confessed" what it was that "she told me." He believed it and I got satisfaction in knowing I got away with talking about him without suspicion. I guess you could say she was my ally. The reason I did that was because I was around him so much, that I didn't have anyone to go to about my problems. I was so used to talking to her and letting her know everything that was going on in my life, that I had to do something about it. I had to think fast, because I felt like I was literally losing control of my mind, and I needed someone to vent to..and she was always the one I vented to and it made me feel better. Once I got the chance to talk to her, I automatically felt better, like I knew I would. He pretty much told me how I was supposed to feel about things and once my friend saw it my way, I realized I wasn't alone in my feelings. So I knew I was right and he was the wrong one. I remembered this and used it against him in future arugments.
We both said things like, "when I get mad- WATCH OUT!" He admitted that he'd do shoving and pushing when he gets really angry, he admitted to punching his ex once.. and admitted to holding her up against the wall by her throat. Later on, when I brought that up again, he said he didn't do that to her, but to her other ex. ugh. And I clearly remember him saying he did that to HER.
I admitted that I'd throw things when I get really angry. There has only been three people that pushed me that far.. and that was my controlling family. I honestly don't ever think that I'd ever end up throwing something at him. Neither of us got that far though, because I ended everything about a week before we hit four months in our relationship. My longest relationship yet and he was my first love.
He liked teaching me things and I liked teaching him things. I do admit that I did like feeling smarter than him. I'm sure he liked the feeling, too. I'm sure there were some friends of his that didn't like me and he liked to talk crap about me. I had friends and family that didn't like him and I liked talking crap about him -- yet we never broke up with one another.
I don't recall blaming him for things, though. I know he blamed me for a lot of things. Everything had to be MY fault.
He hated making plans, even if it was for the next day. He said he likes to take his life day by day. I agreed with him. The only plans we made were getting jobs, me getting a license, getting a car, and getting our own place. But we never sat down and talked about it. I didn't even care about that and I don't know why. He'd talk about me getting a license all the time, though. He very badly wanted me to get one.
We'd embarrass each other around others or by ourselves any chance we got. He mocked me a lot and I'd mock him right back. He'd talk slowly to me like I was dumb, and I'd go "durr" whenever he said or did something stupid.
We'd be playing around and he'd hurt me. I'd try to hurt him back, biting as hard as I could, punching as hard as I could, ect. He'd threaten to hit me, or act like he was going to. I'd egg him on, telling him to do it. He'd smile and say "nah.." And I got satisfaction out of that. Knowing that if he were to severly hurt me, I could get people after him. And he knew that.
He threatened to leave me once and I put on the waterworks. There were a few times where I'd cry or act like I was about to just to get attention out of him. It worked every time, except this one time when his ex was around. I got SO jealous, and I really do believe that he cheated on me with her. There were a couple exes that I know of that he cheated on with her, so I have no dout about that.
He'd get rude with me, sometimes I'd back down, but most of the time I'd get just as rude back.
Like this one night, right before Easter. My family had plans to spend Easter at one of my sister's houses. My whole family hates my ex and he knew it, so there was no way he was going with me. We were at my friend's house and I said, "we're spending Easter at my sister's house", to her. My ex got angry and yells, "I'M not going JUST YOU are." I got just as rude back and said "I never said you were going! I said WE as in MY FAMILY." He was silent after that. And I felt good, because I had won that. I LOVED winning arguments and hated losing them, because I felt I was always right. lol! Now I realize that I just embarrassed him in front of my friend for assuming that I was talking about him as well. And made him look bad for flipping like that. When it reality, we never talked about if he was going or not. I didn't want him to make me look stupid, so I had to think fast.
There were times where we'd be nice and happy with each other. Things would go good, and then start to go downhill. Once I saw him start to distance himself from me, I would do the same. So he'd start being more affectionate towards me. Or I'd start being more affectionate towards him and when he wasn't affectionate back, I'd distance myself till he learned to be more affectionate to me.
I dunno, the list could go on. He'd try to be cute and I'd joke back with an insult. I really was only joking with him and couldn't believe how offended he'd get. And he did the same to me. He'd let me know that he thought I was overweight, didn't like me wearing makeup or my favorite body spray. I'd let him know he had a small penis, was too hairy, and didn't like his facial hair. I stopped wearing makeup, but only wore my body spray once in a while. He'd shave his facial hair and talked about one of these days getting a wax job. As for the weight and small penis.. we'd throw those things in each others faces and try to make the other feel bad for saying those things. We're both great at guilt trips. We were both also very sarcastic and witty. My best friend says we have way too much in common and that's why things didn't work out.
He didn't even want me to have a job when we were going to get a place together. He wanted to be the one working and me doing all the laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I said eff that and there was no way I was going to back down about getting a job. I also let him know that I wasn't going to be the only one doing the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Not sure how that would've ended up in the long run. He couldn't get a licese, and wanted to buy me a car, so I could do all the driving. I'm sure that he'd either try to make me feel bad by saying stuff like, "I bought you your own car!" I know I would reply back with either, "yeah and I drive you everywhere, too!" or "yeah, but you never let me drive it!" knowing us.
We added each other to yahoo, even though we were living in the same house. We just sent each other some yahoo offlines from time to time.
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 11:42:15 AM): i was really shocked when u asked me if i wanted rae well i do more than anything but you i love u the chice between u is hard but i love u so i want to see what we have first i know with rae we have a special bond and i cherish that but u have to trust me when i tell u i love u and wish to give us a chance the problem i have with ur questions is the fact is nobody ever really trusted me its always what they believe and the fact is i am not like that if u dont trust me i start to extract my feelings cause the relationship will go down the drain thats wht i havent had such good luck with relationships cause if i feel the chance of it slippin i run afraid to get hurt and that makes it so i never really have had too much of a chance to get too attatched to the partners i had
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 11:54:10 AM): i might sound bad and i really dont care cause u see the emotions i show for you im a hippie we are very loving and i have a lot of love for everyone but at the same time i love u alot and i wish to keep that so plz trust me and i will show u how much fun and good times i can give to u
Nicci (4/3/2006 5:25:33 PM): Do yo think I don't trust you? Is that the problem? So you're saying you will break up with me if you feel that I don't trust you? How do you control feelings? It's just something to feel...and actions and words can make you feel the things you do. I do trust you. I've told you that. Do I trust you fully? That's a hard thing to do. And well, if you're saying you want to break up with me just because of that, then go ahead and do so. Like I said before, it's not like I wouldn't care, it's not like I wouldn't be upset, I love you very much. I really do. I have NEVER cared about ANYONE as much as I do you. Except for my family. You showed me what love is like. Just like Rae, and I agree 100%, there is no one else that I feel more at peace than in your arms. And I mean that.
Nicci (4/3/2006 5:31:26 PM): But when we're around her, I don't feel at peace. I know you two love each other, and I can see that just by the way you look at her. The same way you look at me when she's not around. What I don't get is why you don't just break up with me for her. You said that if I never came around, then you two would be together. You already told me that you love her more than me, so why did you choose me? I don't understand it, Randy. You said you want to be with me, but when we're around her, it's obvious of the girl you really want. I see you do things with her, that you'd normally do with me. Minus the kissing, hopefully. How can I trust that? Do you know how painful those two nights were? I don't think you do. I love you and I want to be with you, but why put me through this?
Nicci (4/3/2006 5:33:58 PM): You say you need me to trust you, so why don't you give me reasons to trust you? Solid reasons. I need that to trust you and if you can't give me that, then break up with me. I will get over it, life goes on. I love you, though, that's one thing that hasn't changed.
Nicci (4/3/2006 5:43:15 PM): I have enjoyed the three months that we have shared. We have had some good times. I'd like to keep the good memories that we have had together. Let's not make any bad ones. I don't want to look back at you and think, "oh what a ^$##ing #$$^&*^". I don't want to be like "oh Randy always did this and that...I 'hate' him" I don't want to "hate" you. And I don't want you to "hate" me. I don't want this relationship to turn bad.
Nicci (4/3/2006 5:44:28 PM): If you truely believe, in your heart, that I'm the one you want to be with, prove it, please. If not, break it off now while we're still getting along. I don't want any of this to cause any fights and arguments. And I know that you were like that with her because of what she's going through. We can cut the corny lovely dovely stuff. That's fine, I don't care. But why must you play the role of the boyfriend to her in the process? THAT'S what's hurting me. Do you see what I mean now?
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 8:40:41 PM): well i didnt just come out and say if u dont trust me i will break u ith you but i cant have you with the fact of you not trusting me i dont want our relationship to go bad and with out trust it will how do you trust someone with out trusting them fully
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 8:52:23 PM): im sorry im so close to her maybe we are too close but we always been like this i dont remember saying that if you never came around i waould be with her but if it worries you im sorry i didnt mean it like im in regret for being with you and not her and i dont want to break up with you i do love you u mean alot to me i dont even remember that i said that i love her more than you, so why did i choose you cause you mean the world to me and your words " I see you do things with her, that you'd normally do with me. Minus the kissing, hopefully. How can I trust that? Do you know how painful those two nights " what does that mean its not like i wanted to hurt you and what am i putting you through i said i wasnt going to be all over you to begin with cause of her feeling of being hurt of tony
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 8:59:09 PM): and further more why r u trying to make it like i am ^&%$ing you over and i dont care for you and id rather be with rae i never said that i rather be here with you one thing i need to know is why do u say you trust the fact i love you but on the other note i want rae more than you if u dont think we r going to make it tell me instead of asking me round about questions dealing with your feelings about us making it or not in mind if theres a doubt straighten it out or fix it before it breaks
Randy <3 (4/3/2006 9:01:42 PM): i love you and the lovey corney bull &^%# we tend too have fun and do so if u have a problem say what it is and we can change it ok i just wont ty to be cute if the lovey dovey corney ^%#@ bothers you sorry love you
That was after we spent two nights at his exes house. She "needed him to be there" for her because he's the only one she'll "break to". Once we got home, I asked him if he'd rather have her than me. He said no and got mad. I started crying (they WERE real tears from my real emotions.) He started wiping my tears and explaining that if he'd rather be with her, he'd be with her right now. I blurted out, "I just want you happy!" He smiled, his anger subsided, and said that he was happy with me. I said that if he'd be happier with her, then he can have her. I said that I'd let him go be with her, because all I want is for him to be happy. When in reality, I didn't want to give him up. It'd kill me to see him with her. lol. I was being so manipulative, because it got him to think I loved him so much, that I would give up the one I love just to see them happy. I knew he'd see it like that and I was right, because he told me that the next day. He told me that he wouldn't talk to her anymore if it bothered me. But I know he kept in secret contact with her and found excuses to call her. Even had her come over to my house. I broke up with him that same night.. and ended up taking him back.
He really did hurt me with the way he treated me. I broke up with him the last time (and didn't go back to him) because I do believe that he cheated on me, AGAIN. Or maybe he was getting back at me for the way I was treating him? lol. Let me explain..
He just got a new job at this convience store. Just down the street from that store, is where some people live that are as close to me as family. I started talking about this one guy to him who goes over there sometimes. He's this guy that I grew up with and had a childhood crush on. I let him know that and I let him know that I gave him a cig.. and I also let him know that I'm glad he's working at that store just because I'll be able to spend time with them and "espically him". lol. The next day my ex started to get sneaky on me. I felt he was cheating and ended the relationship due to the fact that I had no trust for him.
After the breakup, I acted like I hated him. Then we started talking in a civil manner. I wanted him back.. but I refused to beg him to go back to me. Maybe we both just had too much pride.
I think we were just playing mind games with each other after that. I continued to wear the necklace he gave me. I wanted him to wonder about that. He was staying with this couple I know. So I went over there to hang out with them. The chick is someone I can't stand and I only was nice to her just so I'd have contact with my ex. I also found things of his around my house and left it on his porch. I wanted him to be reminded of me while I was gone. I had the perfect excuse for that, too. I didn't want his stuff in my house and I didn't want him to find an excuse to come to my house to get them. I got a call from him at almost midnight one night telling me to look for his alarm clock for him. It's kind of funny because I was thinking about him at the time, and missing him terribly. Uhh.. I still get calls from people and people on the streets asking where he is. I haven't seen him in about a week, but last time I did, he was being cold and distant towards me. Probably found out about the crap I talked about him..haha.
Sorry this is so long, but I can't believe the way I treated the one person I actually let into my heart. I did this all without even realizing it. Does this mean we never loved each other? =/
Also, I didn't start getting that bad for months. At first, he had total control over me, I realize. I let him talk to me any way he wanted to, he embarrassed me all the time, and then I started to get him back. Most of the things I did, I either didn't realize I was hurting him, or I was getting him back for the way he was treating me. I just wanted him to know how I was feeling. But when I tried explaining that to him, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about! errr. That frustrated me so bad and I just got mad at him. I ended up breaking up with him that day (that was the first time I broke up with him) just because he said "if you're not happy with me, why don't you tell me? Because once I walk out that door, I am not coming back". That got me real mad, so I broke up with him on the spot. He was surprised and even cried telling me he didn't really want to leave. I acted like I didn't care and accused him of never caring about me or ever loving me.
Also, I had my sister telling me he was no good, the people that live near where he works were telling me about him, my ex best friend whom I just started talking to again told me about what he did to another one of his exes. I don't know why I stayed with him for so long with all these people warning me about him. Maybe I wasn't abusing him. Maybe I was just trying to gain my personal control, while still trying to hold on to the good things we had?
