What is this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
What is this?
15
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 10:36am

I apologize first as I'm not sure I'm even on the correct board and this may be very mild compared to what others have unfortunatley gone through.

My

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:02pm

Hi there, I can really relate to your story.

I used to be married - ages 25-31.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 12:34pm
I forgot to add - my ex came into the marriage with insecurities. They didn't really come out until years into the marriage. Every now and then he'd joke if I was going to cheat on him (like when I flew home to see my family). But I learned and read that no amount of boosting from in end could build him up. I could not make him secure because this was something he had within him.

I've got book recs for that...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 2:21pm

Here's my post I thought might be somewhat similar to your situation:

Can "dislike" go back to "like?"


http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Relationship-Problems/Can-dislike-go-back-to-like/m-p/107134266

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 5:17pm

Thank you so much for writing. That is really awful regarding the story you shared regarding the dog / cats. I'm so glad to hear you are no longer with him! I like how you said, "man-child". I like that term. I will often think to myself that my husband reverts back into a three year old when he throws tantrums too. I have no children we are each each other's first marriage.. he has no children either. I think some of it may also be that maybe I'm just growing up a tad more and realizing or seeing things more clearly now that I have not before or maybe this really is all new. A combination of that and his changed behavior I dislike.

Back to the dog thing -

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 7:00pm
Hi Bluepen, I just have a quick question. Is this new behavior and did it come on gradually or sort of suddenly? I ask because sometimes a radical change in a person's personality can indicate a health problem and that might be something worth checking into. HTH.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 9:22pm

"He seems to think something is wrong with me. He called me a name once (not a swear name .. can't even remember it now) then one time he kept telling me something is wrong with me. Not so directly like that. More like he said, "what is wrong with you??" in a very intimidating way with his hands flying all around."

My ex used to say something was wrong with me and I was crazy. So crazy I drove all of our friends away, too crazy to ever be a mother, that I needed to be a drugs (prozac), that I needed therapy. Of course I wasn't not, but hearing it so long I really lost my own perceptions. He said once, "Why should I even try to make you happy? You'll never be happy." At that point, I really though maybe I will never know happiness. Wow, so untrue !

I was never really scared of him. The fact that you are scared of him is HUGE. That you see the crazy anger in his eyes. I think something physical will happen honestly. There was incident when he was out of work and I know he was at home masturbating or just sleeping on the couch (aka not actively looking), and I said I'm tired of your mooching! At that time I was working full time and going to school. He came over and raised his fist to me, and said, "You take that back!" I said get your hand away from me. His fist made contact with my shoulder and he kind of pushed me with his fist. No, it wasn't a hit, but it was clearly over the line. I was not scared, I flinched though. He did this three times consecutively. I was freaked out the next day processing it in my head. Was it bad enough? Was that what I was waiting for? I think 2 months later I kicked him out.

One of the worse outcomes from that marriage was my inability to realize my own perceptions. I knew he was not worthy of me (sadly that thought crossed my mind when we first got married), I didn't have low self esteem, but I could not tell up from down! My perceptions had been warped so badly by him.

So in the end I did not end it because of that incident, he didn't have to hit me. It was just day after day of living so low and depressed because of him that I had to end it. I did have a breaking point where I knew it was it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 8:44am

I appreciate you sharing more of what happened with you. I thank the CL here for responding too. To answer the question, I would say that this behavior of his has started last year. At least that is when I picked up on some of his negative views of other people like prejudice and changed way of thinking due to a co-worker he "looks up to" at work. The anger now he has I have noticed started since the middle of this year. He is in really good health, smart, etc. So, I don't think that is it. Maybe he just has changed? I also feel on the back burner. He's always saying how busy he is. He complains each time when I (rarely) want to go out to eat saying he doesn't have time. He gets upset when I'm tired and when I go to bed. He threw a fit saying how he has very little time. Well, I'm sorry but I can't be waiting up all the time til like 11pm when I'm tired and he wants to watch tv together. I've offered to help him with things so he has more time but that does not work.

I thought once during when he was mad to say to him, "I'm not sure if you realize but what you are doing intimidates me" I thought then to NOT even say that. I mean I don't want to feed my fear into him to his advantage (ughh I can't even believe I'm talking like this). There are times when things are good. It's just I never know when now he'll get like that seeing has he has more than once.

I don't know if I was thinking too much of this yesterday but I had a dream last night that he decided to leave me. I got so sad and did not want that. He can be good and all it's just I feel way too dependent on him and I have no other family, etc.

I've been in and out of therapy all my life for various reasons and to be honest I don't think that helps much at all. Once in awhile when I'm out at the mall I'll go to the bookstore and skim through some of the self-help books.

Thank you again for listening and being able to relate. It helps to know that I'm not going overboard with my thinking in regards to whether or not this is some sort of abuse or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 4:07pm

He seems like he's really annoyed all around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2002
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 8:05am

Thank you for the list of books. I read through some of the pages of each one that Amazon allows you to. I'm going to do some more research today. The web sites I came across yesterday - some of the points on there rang true. For example, editing what you say to the abuser.

I cannot pin point one thing that set his anger off this year. Maybe he thinks there is not a problem in the marriage. We both know that sex is an issue and has been for quite some time.

Do you plan on always hanging around this board? Just wondering in case I have questions, etc. further down the road. You've been a good support. Thank you!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 11:22am

Hi bluepen, Siena has given you some excellent resources. I was reading your post and you say

" I have absolutely no intention of actually leaving him"

And that is well and good but you can start steps to put some limits in your relationship so you can see if he gets worse or changes to the better. One thing though, a lot of us were at the same place like you 10-15 years back. On/off anger issues, jealousy, yelling..and we all didn;t think much of it. Some of us thought having kids, house will make it better. Guess what, it makes it worse. And the longer you stay the harder it is to get out. Do you feel like you have to watch what you say, get his permission for going out on your own with friends? If so, you are walking on eggshells and it gets worse.

What would happen if you were to sit down and just talk to him about counseling. You say he just started being this way..I would give it 6 months - 1 year..and if things dont change for the better, you will know what the future looks like. And I would not plan on having kids until then.

Hope you can sort this out. Honestly, from books I have read

Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong [Paperback]

Barbara De Angelis

Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change [Paperback]

Robin Norwood

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