What about females who abuse males?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
What about females who abuse males?
7
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:32pm

It's always about men who abuse women, but it does happen the other way around.

Anyone know where I can get a power and control wheel that relates to women who abuse men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:35am

You don't give details exactly, which I understand, but I can only attest to the way my D (see above) treats everyone in her life including her H and BF's.

Unfortuntely she married a very nice man who equally unfortunately is enamored of her and puts up with her behavior. He was abused as a child. Her behavior has now escalated into a reawakening of a gambling problem, bad check writing, and psychotic abusive behavior towards just about anyone including her children. She's prone to irrational rages, but she's so brilliant at arguing she actually makes sense in her insanity and will try every trick in the book to beat you into a emotional pulp.

A prior BF (that she ran away with and abandoned her kids and H in the process) had scars on his forearms from being cut up by her. (She had pulled a knife on her Brother once when they were younger). Guess what? She maintains that BF would beat her up and every accounting is more and more elaborate and all different. He just deserved what he got from her. I was around her briefly during this period of time with this particular BF and she went mental on me a few times as well. I now have the problem and stigma that in her head I'm a psycho and she's perfectly justified in her abuse because I deserve it.

I've been through my share of abusive relationships and came to this board for help. It's been a Godsend for me in the past and now.

I would think having an abusive female would feel more confusing for you because of embarrassment and cultural issue. Men are supposed to be stronger. Every little boy's nightmare is getting beat by a 'girl'. However that doesn't mean beat "UP". Everyone has the right to have disagreements and be angry at some point but you don't resort to violence or abuse. At least that's the way I was raised.

My DS has had abusive GF's in the past. Perhaps I'll ask him what he was thinking when they would pound on him. (seriously) One in Australia would literally beat the living daylights out of him just for looking in the direction of another girl and they'd get into a row for ages. He's a very personable yet soft spoken intelligent man of 23 now. I think his nature is to accept people and can split their evil twins. He was also raised to not take his anger out in violence unless they are "his own size" and never instigates it. He also happens to be 6'7". I honestly think this is learned behavior because his older sister would order him around and do exactly what she's doing now as well.

I would suggest that the criteria for an abusive relationship is pretty much the same for both men and women. They hit, hurt, put you down, discredit, threaten, do the fatal attraction thing, stalk, kill...I don't think genitalia differences has anything to do with that part of how you feel about what they are trying to do to you and how confusing it is to have someone who supposedly loves you and you love trying just as hard to hurt you as MUCH as they can.

I guess the one difference would be the interjection of monthly hormones. Abuse is bad enough without having that thrown in for good measure. My FIL's 1st wife was so bad he would have to rent a room for the 2 weeks prior to her monthly thing for the entire extent of their 30 year long marriage.

In that light, I hope this helps a little. You might keep track of her cycle and see if there's a correlation. Or it may be that she goes from bad to worse.

We're here.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:20am
I can tell you from what i know from personal experience.
5yrssm 
Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:01am

Hugs livingin! Please do yourself a huge favour and try very hard not to see this as anything but abuse. Women abuse men in all the same ways men abuse women. Try and understand that abuse has no gender, race, colour or ethnic background. It crosses all levels of society and leaves none untouched.

Abuse is someone's need to have control over another and will do anything to get it. It is a choice, it is not chemically related like as alcoholism or drug addiction, it is a free choice to hold this power and control over all in their lives. Both men and women choose to abuse another, some same sex, some the opposite sex, friends, family, co-workers, the list goes on. It's their need to have this power that drives them on. And to most abusers, their actions and behaviours are justified in their minds as this is the right way to treat others so confrontation will never help but can make it worse. It has been proven that less than 1% of all abusers ever change their ways, and that is only with a lifetime of individual DV counseling by their choice and their own determination to change. Most will never even consider doing this.

When we try to see if one is worse, if men are worse than women or the other way around, it only distracts us from what is important, our need to free ourselves of their abuse.

So yes, it happens more than you would think. The ratio is not needed because so many never tell of their abuse on either side. It just happens.

Try and focus onto to learning more of the dynamics of abuse so that you can make educated decisions over emotional ones, that is the secret. It matters not which sex is abusing the other, it does matter that we find our path to safely leave our abusive situation and protect our children and ourselves.

Hope this helps, Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 11:21am
Thank you buff-buff for sharing your words.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:00pm

Thanks April,

Like I said, I'm a survivor of domestic abuse, but when you see it coming from a female, it's really hard to diagnose DV. Does that make any sense? And plus, I'm emotionally bound here. It has everything to do with my daughter, who is 19 months old, and to a man who has helped me in more ways then I can ever measure. Let's just say that when I was sucidal two and a half years ago, he was there by my side. You can't not have a bond with a guy like that, ya know?

I want to make sure that I'm not just "seeing" things. That's why I decided to call DV places. I still haven't heard back from the one in my county. :( *rolls eyes*

Basically, what I've seen in control issues. Honking the horn, when he's inside trying to talk to me about Isabel, our 19 month old DD. She's told him that she gets mad when he pays more attention to our daughter, then to her. She's extremely jealous of me. SHe called me on CHRISTMAS DAY harrassing me. Calling me names. Insulting me. She called me back three times, after I hung up on her. And on Christmas Day. What does that tell yoU?
I noticed that he's missed alot of visits because hes' said that he was sick. When we were together, he was NEVER sick. SO that tells me something fishy is up.

And then the situation that took place over the weekend, that I put in a post below.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:26pm

Thanks buffphone and everyone else!! Your sensitive and intelligent words have gone a long way in helping me see what's really going on. And that men can and are victims in all of this garbage. Now if only I can make him see how wrong it is. But then I go back years ago, and I realize it took me a while to see what my XH was doing to me, was abuse and wrong.

I just don't want my DD affected by this garbage.

I'm going to have a talk with Nathan,and tell him that if he wants Isy, then he needs to come ALONE because of Candy's behavior.

Thanks again everyone!!!!!! {{HUGS}}

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 7:15pm

Hugs livingin. You will not be able to make Nathan or anyone see the abuse they are in.

Also consider this, once you confront him about her, will she be even more angry against your daughter. She is truely the one in danger of any escalation of her abuse against him and like all abusers, once confronted they usually get worse.

I know it may be hard, but at her young age, she might be better off not even being allowed to go with him. Please think on this, as I am worried not about him, but what she may do.

He will in time see it and then he will have to make his own decisions on all of it. Protect your little one and yourself first.

Hugs