what about the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2006
what about the kids?
4
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 9:10am
I am in need of some advice here....I am struggling through a verbally abusive relationship...with hopes of leaving once my baby is born--one month from now...The fact that I'm staying is multi-faceted, so I don't want to argue that point..
what i need is advice on how do you keep your spirits up for the everyday needs and demands of your kids--when you are being eaten alive by pain on a daily basis...I feel so empty, sleep deprived and irritable from the situation, I feel little is left. What do you do??? How do you do it?? How do you explain it when your abuser calls the kids or you names??? Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 11:43am

I wish I had some concrete advice to help you through this situation. Unfortunately I don't because I never mastered the art of "living with it". I can tell you this, over time you will lose yourself if you don't do something to change your situation. I'm guessing you've heard that before (we all heard how we should get out - it's always easier said than done).

Keep in mind a few things:

1) It's not your falt - you really haven't done anything wrong. Many of of indulge in the blame game allowing ourselves to assume responsibility for the bad behavior of someone else. Guess what, no matter how "good" you are - he would find something to critize you about.

2) You are a good person and you DESERVE a peaceful, happy life.

3) Some of them change but not without a great deal of work. Most believe that they are not doing anything wrong and therefore are never motivated to put in the effort. You are allowed to decide that you have had enough. Even if he commits to change the second after you declare your independence, you should not feel guilty because you still want to leave. Beware of this because they are very good at sucking us back in with false promises of change. Even if he really does change, you are still entiteled to say "I've had enough!"

4) Your children deserve a happy Mommy who is not terrorized by the man in her life. They also deserve a place where they can live without fear of being critized (terrorized) themselves.

In my experience, my spouse was very subtle in his controlling, manipulative, bullying ways. I always told myself that he wasn't really that bad - he earned a good living and materialistically I had everything a woman could want. BUT, he was mean, critical and demeaning. Taken alone, each incident appeared to be harmless and someone observing might suggest that I was overreacting. Add up 16years of being picked on for not wearing your hair right, not dressing right, using the wrong knife to cut the veggies, and being told to shut your "f"in mouth if you disagree. Suddenly, you realize that you're not overreacting and the question becomes why did you put up with it for so long.

Hang in there honey. Post here often and let us know how you are doing. We understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:04pm

I am just a little concerned. I am worried that once you have the baby it will be twice as difficult to leave then now. Your H will not let you leave with his child. He will make threats to you and your child. I really think it will be much much worse to leave after the child is born. I have heard of abusers threatening the victims about the baby. You will have to worry about custody after you have the baby... that could be a nightmare with what your H might do. They really are unpredictable.

Just try to live day by day. Or hour by hour. Try and stay as postive as you can. Try to think about the day that you leave and how free you will feel. Try to picture your live without abuse and without anyone treating you like s**t. It can happen, and it will happen. Just try to stay positive.

You can do it!
Hugs. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 3:04pm

Hi :o)

Just wondering how you are doing lately? Keep us posted.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 7:47pm
Honestly, it's my personal belief that there is no good way to "explain it" to the kids, because you can't explain the unexplainable and unacceptable. Ultimately, only you can decide what is best for you, but here is some food for thought: Many children who are abused or who witness abuse in the home grow up to become abusers themselves. I know you don't want this for your children, and only you can help them break the cycle.
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