What about when the abuser is your child

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
What about when the abuser is your child
5
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 8:26am
Are there resources to help a parent whose child (age 18, not really a child) became abusive? This happened a week ago and I told him to leave my house. He was living with me. He has since broken in once and tried to break in a second time. There is a very long, involved history with this, but I need to find some kind of resource to deal with this. His father (we are divorced and he was verbally abusive during the marriage) will not stand up for me and has said there are two sides to every story. My other children (24 and 21) have not even tried to reach out to me. I feel like I have now lost all three of my children and I do feel very alone, scared and very sad right now. I realize this pales in comparison to other victims experiences.

I did come into the chat a while back when I was worried about my middle son. I had no idea my youngest would do what he did.

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:01am
Hugs tills! Here are a couple ideas I hope will help. One is to contact your local abuse shelter and seek their help. They can help you find a counselor who can talk with him and see if they can work it out.

Another and maybe a more effective way, to some contravercial, is to go to your local police station and ask if they have an officer who works with troubled kids. Alot of police do, and it's more of a big brother interaction instead of a police action. Many officers are very willing to sit down with kids like your son and talk it out. Some officers will even ask them to go for ride-a-longs, so that your son can spend a shift riding with the officers and maybe, just maybe they will bond. You can even try your local fire department as they too work with troubled kids when they can.

Your son might be just acting out his frustration as he thinks no one will understand him or he can't understand his own feelings. Try the police,,call the shelters, talk to them.

If you reach out this way, if your son chooses not to listen to the police or counselors, then he is not going to listen to you or his father. If he chooses to do it "his way", then there is little you can do but get a restraining order so that he cannot come into your house and tear it apart or verbally abuse any of you. It's called tough love.

I hope this gives you a couple choices you may not have thought of.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 1:52pm
Thank you for your suggestions. I will contact the local shelter and see if they can give me any advice. The whole story is so long, but the police are not an option, unless I want to press charges and I cannot bring myself to do that yet. Sadly, the police are very aware of my ex's house because of other problems that occurred there last year. My son has gone back there and was welcomed with open arms even after physically assaulting me. I have not spoken to my son since last Wednesday when I discovered his second attempt to break into my home. I had taken his keys away when I told him to leave my house. We tried counseling as well, but he stopped going and had since refused to go back. He had some substance abuse problems in the past and I thought those were behind us. He made what I thought was a complete turnaround finishing his senior year at high school with all A's and abiding by all the rules. Yet, something in him snapped a week ago Friday, after I took a case of beer that he was attempting to leave my house with. It was not my beer, he had it hidden and I found it. I came home earlier than he expected me. After the ugly scene, he told me that he had made no changes in his lifestyle and I had been a fool for believing him, among other horrible things he said. He was supposed to start college in the fall with a scholarship, but I doubt that he will do that now.

My ex-husband was verbally abusive to me for most of our marriage and I think at least 2 of my sons are following in their father's footsteps. I hoped that by divorcing and getting out of that situation, they would learn something as well. I feel like I have failed them.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 3:36pm
I just have to jump in here and assure you that you have not failed your children. It's obvious from your post you care deeply about your kids and have done your best as a parent. I know what it feels like though, to think your best wasn't good enough.

A lot of the posts I read on this board could have been written by me. I don't have any advice because I'm still struggling through issues and situations not unlike the one you describe.

If it's any comfort, your son's behavior doesn't sound unusual to me for his age. Not that there is any excuse for it or that it shouldn't be addressed immediately, but I do think a big part of it IS his age.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Tofumommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 9:40pm
Hey Till,

You are doing all the right things, hang there. Your strength will eventually show through. Don't ever give up. I would check out his change of behavior though...sounds like drugs to me. When kids are doing something totally wrong, they tend to try to overjustify it. Stay strong and determined.


Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 10:12pm
Thank you all for your kind support. I do think I did the best that I could and yes, substance abuse is most likely in his life again. After the incident and what he said to me, drugs/alcohol never left his life. He covered up very well.

I also feel that both of his older brothers are using as well (again). They all live with their father and he is never there to be aware of the activities plus there has been police involvement there as well. Major police involvement.

I am still trying to deal with what has happened and the fact that I was blind to everything he was involved in again.

I appreciate everything that was said and your taking the time to respond. It makes me feel at least, that all is not lost (yet).