what are the rates of abuse?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 10-02-2004 - 7:04am |
Um, this is screwed up.....so.......
My partner of 2 years showed absolutely no signs of abuse, everything was peachy until the final night when he drank too much, we got into a disagreement on his behaviour (our first proper argument), it all kicked off, he pushed me down into a chair and grabbed me by the throat.
Of course I told him to leave immediately,(tears, apologies and pleading from him), and he has.
I needed some structure to the insanity of my life turning 180 in a matter of 5 mins, so I suggested a period of no contact, and will speak to him in 2 weeks.
I had his folks come and get all of his things from my house, and the messages back are full of his apologies, and that he wants to get back together, start over.
So...... I talk to my mother (the family loved him), and she said that maybe the shock of being put out was enough. Maybe we can start over, or become 'friends with benefits'.
My brother said that the shock was probably enough, and that he reckons that 1 in 4 men abuse their women, and so atleast I would know the lay of the land. And if I were to start another relationship, then there's a 1 in 4 chance that I could spend another two years on someone, to find that they were abusive also.
I'm amazed. The guy could have taken my life !
any ideas or information welcomed.

You are right by keeping him out. Once he has shown signs of his true self, it will be back. His behaviour runs perfectly with how most of us, like you, got taken in. Abusers will not show themselves to us until they know they have us totally believing in them. Some change sooner, some later, but they all wait until they have us in love with them, totally believing that they are just so wonderful, then it slowly starts to change without our seeing it because after all, who we met, who we fell in love with would never do that to us! They do.
Don't expect your family to understand abuse as most who have never been in it just do not know what it is like. So I would have to disagree with your family, the little shock is nothing more than he got sloppy, let you see him for what he is and right now he is trying to figure out what to promise you to let him back in. He will eventually again start the abuse, that is a positive.
To help you understand all this more clearly, I strongly urge you to read this boards homepage. There are many good, solid links and articles which will tell you that what you are feeling is right. Learn what you can, as once you learn the dynamics of abuse you will see that this was not the only time, he's tested the waters before to see if you were conditioned enough for him to elevate the abuse. Read this board, read the homepage, learn what you can so that you will start making educated decisions over emotional ones. That alone will keep your mind and body much safer as it is our emotions that they prey upon.
I would also say, call a local shelter or the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 if you cannot find one locally, they can help you find one. Talk to them as they are not only safe haven for abuse victims but also have many resources for those of us who are in abuse but do not need the safe haven. They can help you with where to find more information on abuse, if needed they can help you with legal, financial and theraputic resources. Don't be afraid of calling them, they are there to help us and they will help you as they can also. Many like me after over 15 years of freedom still call them to get an answer to a question, they do not mind at all.
When dealing with abuse, always, always, always deal with only those trained in Domestic Violence. Do not allow anyone to talk you into couples counseling or a marriage type counseling, this DOES NOT work in abuse. It only allows your abuser to learn everything you are thinking and he can then change his tactics accordingly.
The good part is you are free of him, please keep it that way. In abuse recovery and healing we have what is called the "No Contact" rule. It means, once the separation is there, keep it that way and no phone contact, no e-mails, no nothing, just let him go.
The more you talk to him or let him contact you, the longer he will pour empty promises into your mind to the point you will either cave to his desires or you'll go crazy trying to make sense of all the confusion in your mind. The more confused you are, the more vuneralble you become.
I hope you keep posting here with us, keep venting, asking or just saying you're having a crumby day, we are here for you. You are also more than welcome to join us every Sunday evening at 7pm EDT for live chat on abuse and you can ask away with all who are here.
If he persists in trying to contact you, you may have to take further actions such as a restraining order, order of protection, because most abusers do not like to have to give up their victims easily. For your ownself, start a journal of all the times he tries to contact you, calls you an ugly name because you are not giving in to him, anything. The more you document, the more you have proof of his ways.
Do not make empty threats against him either, don't say, "if you don't leave me alone I'll call the police!". Confronting an abuser will not do anything as they do not see their behaviour as anything but normal. If he keeps bothering you, go to the police, talk to a DV Officer and get this all on file. Again, the shelters can help you through alot of this if it gets to that point. Personally, I would file a report on this no matter what. If it's on record and he attacks you or another, it is on file that this will not be the first time and they can respond accordingly. It's in your safety to file, but it's also your decision.
Most of all, do not get down on yourself about this. Do not sit there and question yourself why you didn't see it before. To do that will only cause you many headaches and more confusion. Don't try to see what we cannot as I said before, they only let us see their abusive side when they know we will question our own intuitions before seeing the truth. Your feelings of he almost killed you are right and proven, this alone warrants the breakup as he's shown that under the right conditions, he has no problem with physically attacking you.
I hope this has helped and hugs to you. Please feel free to visit us as you are no longer alone in this. You have found a wonderful community of people who are where you are, currently in transition to freedom and those of us who have been free for some time.
Stay strong, stay true to yourself!
Hi, alone, and welcome to the board.
Mama Harmony