what could he be up to?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
what could he be up to?
9
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 2:48am

Hi. This is Sooyon. For the past week I've been getting frequent calls from my ex boyfriend. Just asking how I was doing, etc. Then, he asked if he could see me Friday. I said I was busy and had lots to do. He said okay, maybe next time. Then late at night, almost one in the morning, he called again. At first I didn't know but he later said he had a drink. He said he knows very well how bad he had been to me and will regret it all his life, but he sort of blames me for not trying to tell him about our unhealthy relationship for all those ten years, make him stop his abusive behavior and suddenly ending the relationship giving him no second chance. I got the goose bumps. He was really scaring me. Then, he said he had something to say in person, that some big changes had happened in his life during our first month apart. I have no idea what it could be. We're going to have a short talk on Monday. I don't fall for any of his sweet talk any more and the more I talk with him the stronger I believe I was right about leaving him.
What could it be that he has to say in person? He wouldn't tell me over the phone. Do you have any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 7:35am
Soozy, NO! He's going to use this as an opportunity to try to sweettalk his way back into your life. He has not changed, he will not change (look at the way he's still saying that it's YOUR fault he abused you, as if people commonly enjoy being harrassed and treated badly). There is NOTHING he has to say that needs to concern you now. He's out of your life, and needs to stay there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 10:05am
Sooyon,
He may not even know himself what he is going to say. He just wants any opportunity to see you. Or, he may possibly tell you how he has changed. From what I have learned they can't change that quickly, if at all. He may just be looking for another opportunity to tell you it is your fault. In any case, it can't be anything that will change his situation around.
Remember, no contact! Meeting him in person would be bad. Reread everything you have written about him. Read all you can on the internet. Keep reminding yourself that he is an unsafe person. I too, forget and need to keep re-reading. Don't get sucked back in!
Strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 10:47am

He could be up to a lot of things, hon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 10:16pm
I'd cancel that meeting, if I were you. What he wants is an opportunity to try to sucker you into taking him back, and it's not unheard of for these guys to get violent if they think they're not going to get what they want. From what you have described, it doesn't sound like you could expect a lot of help from law enforcement, etc. were he to do so, so don't put yourself in that position. Stay home; you already know what he has to say.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 1:21am
I don't think I'll see him today as we settled over the phone. He just called this noon (it's 4:00 p.m. here in Seoul now)and siad he was going with his parents over to the studio we stayed together just a month ago to get his stuff out. He had said he was taking his stuff tomorrow but his parents were bust so they're going today.
I just dropped by a while ago to get my lap top computer and some allergy pills. I was lucky to leave early enough not to bump into him and his parents.
He said he would call later.
How could I ask him to return the keys without seeing him? Should I tell him to hand it over to the landlord who ives upstairs?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 4:37am
Hi again, Sooyon--I am so glad you made that decision to keep yourself safe. Yes, tell the landlord that your ex will leave the keys with him (he's the one who wants them, after all), and leave a note at the studio for the ex. Are all your things out? If not, you might want to take some burly friend or relative with you when you collect the rest of your possessions. You never know, he might be waiting there for you, if he's determined to have this conversation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 6:40am
Hi. Thanks again for the helpful advice. I had packed all my important stuff like the rent contract, passport, bank accounts, etc. immediately after I found out our relationship wasn't normal, that was several weeks before I told him I didn't want to see him any more. I only have summer clothes, books, kitchenware and furniture there.
I'll go with my parents later to get them.
Thank you all for so much concern. Don't worry. I'll stay on the safe side. Actually, I've been having frustrating nightmares ever since I've been getting phone calls from him last week.
Talking about dreams, when I was still with him, I occasionally had these wedding dreams since about an year ago. In these dreams I'm all excited about getting married but everything goes wrong like I can't get packed for the honeymoon or my makeup or hair is a mess, I lose my way to the church, etc. In my most recent wedding dream, my ex was out drinking with his friends until the morning of the wedding. I was so worried I couldn't get dressed. I was still in my pajamas. But he appeared at the wedding all dressed up in a tuxedo. I was so furious I just ran out of the church and kept on running. My ex, his friends and my friends ran after me. When I had no where else to run I just jumped into a pool to drown myself. Since this dream I never dreamed of weddings any more.I guess my unconsciousness was trying to tell me not to marry him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:44am
alb202...some abusers, when they realize they have lost, want to end things on their own terms. Many, many women have been murdered by falling for these pleas to "talk" after the relationship ends. They go never thinking that he would do such a thing. It's so dangerous dealing with an abuser. You just never really know what they're capable of. Many are capable of horrible atrocities. Please put your health and personal safety first and make sure that you are definitely never alone with him and it's best to try to avoid any discussions of any sort with him regardless of who might be around. Some abusers don't mind taking others with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 4:22pm

Glad to hear that you didn't meet with him... That was a bs statement anyway. My abuser would do that all the time... Say mysterious things like, "you just don't know what's been happening lately." He tried to sound excited like he had something great to tell me. I didn't fall for it... Then he'd try saying crap like, "God has really revealed some awesome stuff to me that I wouldn't have seen if it weren't for you." (He will be punished for using God's name in vain). Again, I wouldn't fall for it...

It took quite a long time for my curiosity to stop tripping me up... but I finally learned that man has nothing new to say to me. He says the same lies over and over again, just with different words. "Same sh**, different day." as the saying goes.

Praise God, His Truth has set me free. Amen.

Stay strong, sooyon.

Love,
Loonybunny