what could he have to say?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
what could he have to say?
8
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:35pm

Hi. It's Soo yon. It's been real long since I've lasted visited this board. In case you forgot, I live in Korea and had broken up with my ten year abusive ex-boyfriend last February. Since the breakup I've been doing fine thanks to your support. I was in fact very happy. I couldn;t believe life could be so happy! I took up drawing as a hobby and am taking classes. I used to love to draw or doodle since a kid but I had forgotten the joy I got from it during my relationship with my ex.
Well, I was enjoying my new happy life for the past five months. But two weeks ago I had a phone call from a woman. At first she asked if I knew my ex and said he had borrowed money from her brother and did not pay back and she couldn't get in touch with him etc. I told her I did not have anything to do with him anymore and didn't want to be involved in anything that was related to him. She said she was sorry and hung up. Then a few hours later she calls back and confesses that she had lied and said she had been dating my ex during the last three years. (He had been cheating on me. I had sensed it too when I was still with him but I had bigger issues(the abuse) I had to deal with in our relationship) She told me about his behavior and things he had said to her. She said she had to cut off every friend she had expecially male frineds and had to answer his calls no matter what. So similar to what he had done to me. He had even used my stories as if they were his own, for exaple, the schools I've gone to,my childhood etc. He had even lied that he was a doctor when he was nothing close to it. He hasn't worked at all even after graduating college. He even gave himself a new name. She said she even saw his parents. They had been so nice to me as if I was their daughter and said I was the only one for him! I was very shocked at what she told me. How could his parents leave their son to do such terrible things to women? The whole family were lying to all of his girlfriends! The woman said he said she was his first girl. That's what he said to me too. After he found out about us two talking to each other, he tells her that I was a crazy girl crazy about him and stocking him. Then he tells me not to listen to anything the women tels me because she is nuts.
But every detail the women told me fits in perfectly to every strange behavior he had shown the past few years. Her story explains all the days he spent drinking with his friends instead of taking me out and never answering my calls when he said he was with his friend.
All my doubts have been cleared.
Then a couple of days later the woman calls me again and tells me what she had been telling me was a total lie. That she had ever dated him but only had a crush on him and called me to say all those things because she was mad at him for not showing any interest in her.
But what I think is she had been telling the truth ad he just made her to deny all she had said.

Before this incident I had talked to him when he called and briefly replied occasional emails from him. But after talking to the woman, I never answered his calls, never opened his emails and just deleted them.
From then he keeps on text messaging me to listen to him for once, to read his e-mail, that I should listen to his side of the story too.
What could he have to say? Should it be best to keep on ignoring his calls, messages, e-mail?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 2:04pm

Great to hear from you, Soo yon.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 3:24pm
I completely agree with cl-gonna. You have been so happy since you left him, so enjoy that (you deserve it!) and keep ignoring him. His side is irrelevant at this point. Don't let in the drama!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 5:37pm

Hello Soo,
It's wonderful to hear that you have moved on with your life and you are finally enjoying it! I'm very proud of you.As for the ex calling, keep ignoring him.You're doing great without him.Just remember all the pain he has caused you,that will make it easier for you to keep him out of your life.

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:06pm

Thanks you guys! You're always such a great support whenever I need some help and advice.
I knew I was doing the right thing ignoring him but yesterday he kept text messaging begging me to read his e-mail and said he was heartbroken and sick because he missed me so much and felt very very guilty about what he had done to me.
I almost began to feel a little sorry for him. But I'll keep strong and stick to ignoring him. I will never ever let him back into my life.

Thank you so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:15pm

Hi, Soo yon! I've been wondering how you were doing. Seems like Mr. Abusive just won't give up, doesn't it? And now one of his girlfriends is telling you he hasn't changed, that he's abusing her, too, and he wants to tell you "his side" of that sordid story. Well, really, what difference does his spin make? Will you like him better, knowing that (from his point of view) he didn't abuse her, when you certainly know he abused you? Would it change your memories and your reasons for leaving him if he could explain away the things she told you? I seriously doubt it.

You are doing the right thing in ignoring him. You are still healing from the spiritual wounds he inflicted on you--there is no reason to let him into your life to do more damage.

It's good to hear that you're expressing your artistic side--maybe you will show us some of your drawings some day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 10:36pm

Dear Soo Yon,

Forgive me- I'm new- but I couldn't help but notice in your post that you are very happy now. I am with someone and thinking about leaving and feel like I will never be happy again. I am so glad that you are and it makes me think that I could be too. You must be very courageous.

As far as what could he want?
1) probably something selfish and self serving that is in direct conflict with your best interests and will make him feel better and you feel worse.
2) does it really matter?

Stay strong. I'm glad I read your post and that you are happy and are pursuing your interests.

Be Well,
MissGreenwood

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:07am
Keep on ignoring him. He's only trying to get your attention; if you maintain NO CONTACT, he won't get it.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 8:37am
Hi. I just read your post. Yes, I'm very very very happy with my new life. It's not just me who sees it. Everyone around me, my mom, relatives and friends say I look a whole lot much happier and much healthier. They say my face glows.
I'm happy because I can do whatever I want think however I want without being afraid of someone's reaction. Now I can see my friends as much as I want. I can do what I really like to do. I can listen to the music I like.
If the person you're with now is abusive you'll definitely be happier without him. It was hardest for me to make the final decision to break up. (He was my first love and we were together for over 10 years) And honestly I missed my ex for a while and life seemed dull without him. But I kept my focus on the horrible things he did to me and tried to find real joys of life from many other things. I haven't seen him for five months now. I never want to see him or hear his voice for the rest of my life. I am so thankful for the new life I have now.
Good luck! I hope you begin your happy life soon too!!