what a day

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
what a day
11
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 11:38am

Well this morning is just awful. for once, my bf had to get up and work at 9am like a normal person instead of in the afternoon. So naturally last night he didn't go to bed til 3 am.

so i woke him up and he was mad of course. that's not unusual for him in the morning...or any time of day for that matter.

anyhow, I put an orange and some treats in his bag and noticed a phone number in there, and it said "call after 6:30". I was absolutely pissed. He was still in bed when I went in the room and demanded to know who "Leanne" is.

He seemed quiet for a minute, then said, "that's a message to call someone at work." then he completely changed his tune and was stark raving mad, telling me how I make his life a living hell and he has done everything to make me happy, etc etc. And how he was going to show everyone how sorry they should be that he has had such a rough life, etc.

So he came and hit me in the back a few times and started to make feel guilty about having upset him when he has done so many good things for me in the past while and how he gets nothing but "$hit and abuse" from me when he tries.

I actually feel quite guilty because over the past few days he has really been trying to help me and then i accused him of having another woman's phone number.

I know it's crazy. I read it myself and feel insane just thinking about it. It's not my fault he can't control his temper. It's not my fault that he was abused as a child. it's not my fault that he doesn't like his job, his family, his life, but somehow I always feel I am supposed to take the blame.

I do feel guilty. he has been trying really hard in the past while, but I just don't trust him. i feel like he has someone else on the side, I feel like I shouldnt' allow myself to trust him, I just feel nuts.

I went to work and then told them i was sick and came home. I feel just nuts.
Please offer me a little comfort. I don't have anyone to turn to :(

Shawna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 11:52am

You've got nothing to feel guilty about. You found another woman's phone number, asked him about it, and he completely freaked out on you. My ex used to do that whenever I discovered he'd lied about something and confronted him about it. Even if I had undeniable proof, he'd turn it all around on me and get extremely rageful.

He hits you then accuses you of giving him abuse? Does that sound right to you?

You're not nuts. Trust your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:32pm
Common classic of abusers.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 12:53pm

I guess you're right. He could have said, "no that's someone at work" and let it be and I would have been fine with it. In fact, I apologized immediately after he said it wasn't anything but a work contact.

But instead, he had to have a nervous breakdown and hit me over it. He said that all he wanted to do was sleep but I kept waking him up this morning and he even nearly cried before he hit me.

that's why i feel so guilty. i always feel like, "if only i would do this, then he would be happy." but no matter what he never is.

even when i'm completely perfect in every way, there's something wrong that will upset him.

you see, he has had the classic abuser life. an abusive father, rough upbringing, small town environment so it was a big secret. then he got a diploma in college for computers.

when i met him, he was working away from here but moved back to be with me. then he became depressed and i tried everything to help him. he said all he wanted was a computer job so i suggested he go to university for computer science. i was already in university at the time, working etc.

so he started university, wouldn't do the work, and failed out. he still blames me to this day saying that i should have helped him. he drove me nuts, literally. i switched ot of music ed into psychology because i couldn't do the workload of music ed anymore. i was drained all the time. he also says he has never abused anyone but me so he thinks it's my fault for that too.

he was unhappy with his jobs, so i constantly tried to find him a better one. there was a problem with every job he got and he eventually quit, depressed and sat at home all day.
we lived at his parents house and he constantly complained about that too, saying he would be happy if he had a computer job and didn't live in his parent's house.

so last year i bought a house, and a few months ago he got a computer job...and guess what? he is STILL NOT HAPPY!!!! now he complains about this job, how it's not the one he wants, how he doesn't like dealing with the public all day, how he wants a programming job instead.

he has a casual job, and the only thing he pays is his loan payment. everything else i pay for. all bills, outings, mortgages, repairs, etc are paid by me. so his stress level should be zero. he has no responsibilites, i have made sure of that. so when he does something simple like cook supper, he might as well have worked a 14 hour day while i stayed home because he acts the same, and no matter how much i thank him, he still complains i don't appreciate anything.

he says i'm lousy in bed, he won't sleep in the same room as me, he's never happy.
i remember how happy i used to be. i cry thinking of that girl now.

thanks for listening to my huge rant. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have this board to turn to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:21pm

Honey you sound a lot like me when I was w/my abuser.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:30pm

Are you really sure that it was only a work contact number?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 1:30pm
No matter what you do he will never be happy. Like my H, it doesnt matter how much YOU do, how pretty you are, how skinny you are, how much you kiss his butt, they will still find something to B*tch about. Mines the same way. He used to say things about my weight, so I lost the weight, now he says I dress to sexy, that I need to wear different clothes. He used to complain about the way I clean (or didnt clean) the house. So I made sure EVERYTHING was cleaned and he's still find something that he thought wasnt clean enough. Just 2 examples of many things. Point being, no matter how you try to be happy and good for HIM its not going to be enough....you have to be happy for YOU!
Now with the number, I have to also say from experiance that reacting that way to you asking who it was, no matter what tone of voice you had when you asked, then it was more than just someone from work. If it was nothing more to it then that, he wouldnt have a problem answering your questions. You had every right to know who it was and him hitting you because you asked was completly uncalled for!!
Its hard to go through anything like that. Very hard. Its also very hard to leave. That part I still havent worked to courage up to do yet. But with the help of this board and having a place to vent has helped me so much and helps me get stonger and stronger every day till one day I will have the courage to be happy again. And so will you, you have every right to be happy!!! I wish you the best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:47pm
Reread your post very slowly and carefully. I see how he turned on you and turned it around on you. One minute he is guilty, it is inappropriate to have a note like that in your bag if you aren't single(not that it makes him automatically guilty but it's extremely suspicious), then he turns it around on you. Blames you and makes you the bad guy, when it's actually him who actually at the very least acted inappropriate with a female or at worst cheated. Then to really drive the point home and shup you up in the future if you come across any incriminating evidence he hits you a few times.Trust is earned, you can't act any old way(that is females notes,phone numbers etc.) and then demand trust. Why should you trust? He has not done anything to make me thing he is a trustworthy guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 2:51pm
It is not your responsibility to wake him. You did it as a courtesy to him, if he can't be gracious about it and get up right away or at least acknowledge you somehow-like thanks I got it I'll be up in a minute. No he has to get mad at you for waking him for his job. What crap. He does not deserve a personal wake up call in the future, let him set an alarm like everyone else. And if he can't get up when the alarm goes off, then let him sleep and be late for work and eventually get fired for his poor attendance, he's an adult, it's his responsibility to get to work. Don't let him make it yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 3:47pm

For a second there, I thought you were describing my ex! He lived at home until he was about 42. Couldn't keep a steady job, lost his driver's license. He was also abused when he was a kid, and I've heard all about it...over & over & over & over & over & over.

The girlfriend he has now bought the house that they live in. He bought a sports car for himself that doesn't run most of the time. He works a couple of days a week, if that. He keeps trying to get in touch with me since he has all this spare time. Ick!

Rant as much as you need to! It helps us see that we're all pretty much dealing with the same guy. Argh! Doesn't it make ya wanna scream?!

About that phone number you found...I think that & the fact that he's not having sex with you is something to be suspicious about. But at this point, it'd be safer not to talk over your suspicions with him since he's shown how dangerous he can be. I'd keep on doing the detective work, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sat, 07-09-2005 - 1:05am

Riot is right. We are all apparently dealing with the same man. Abused when a child, lived at home until they came into your life, trying to improve their pathetic life and nothing is good enough for them.....

The behavior is precisely what I dare say most of us have seen. If it looks like one, smells like one, acts like one, it must be one. I had the same scene played out on me when I found emails from another woman sent to the home email address. Also the lady's stockings which certainly didn't belong to me. Also the weekend trip to help a poor unfortunate co-worker to move appartments. Also the message sent to someone else saying 'good night pretty lady' and 'I love you' (in Polish!). The first two I confronted him with and got precisely the same reaction that you did. I was the one causing harm to the relationship by giving him grief over it. I was abusing HIM. And also, I only said one phrase in a rather quiet, unsure, hurt voice 'what is this?' AHL pretty much took over the entire argument from there. I just stood there while he screamed, ranted, raved, blah blah.... The other incidents I didn't confront him on because of the previous reactions. So those reactions actually served their purpose, to keep me from questioning him in the future. Yep, same behavior it seems. Which implies that the underlying reason for the behavior is quite probably the same. He has something to hide.

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