What to do. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
What to do. . .
2
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 9:49am

My BF & I have been living together for 4.5 years, and a little over a year ago we moved about 70 miles away from where we had been living and bought our first house together. We love each other very much and our little family together with our Boston Terrier.

We both have awful tempers, and have a tendency to push each other's buttons. When he pushes mine, I scream, and cry, won't leave him alone. Call him repeatedly, go into rooms to try to make him talk when he walks away to calm down. This is a problem I have in other personal relationships, and I realize that I need to give him space to calm down before he can discuss the issue. I, on the other hand, have a habit of being very self involved and want to do everything on my schedule. If I am able to let him calm down, he will discuss things rationally, listen to my side of the story, talk very freely about his feelings, and listen to mine. When I don't . ..it seems that I push him to an edge and he just snaps.

Usually, he just goes out and basically ignores me for the rest of the day until he calms down. He realizes I can't give him space, so he takes it. Sometimes, when I don't give him the chance to do this, he becomes verbally and occasionally physically abusive. He is aware of it, wants to change, and is highly ashamed of his behaviour. This is how we came to the impasse that we are at now.

I love this man, and I am willing to stay with him while he works through this. After our fight yesterday, where he did become physical (he hit me with a pillow a few times, so I was not hurt, but I was scared) he went out for the day to calm down. I tried to call him, although I shouldn't have, and when he came home he was upset. He was upset with me for making him angry (I won't go into the particulars of the initial issue, but in this particular case I believe I may have been in the wrong), upset with himself for "not being able to control his anger", and he has locked himself in his office, and he slept there tonight. He's never not slept in our bed before. This morning he got up, ,and when I went to knock on the door to tell him there is coffee and he did not answer and the door is locked.

I don't want to justify his behaviour, but most of the time our relationship is quite good, and I don't want his guilt to make him push me away. I don't even know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I've read Lundy Bancrofts book and I've done some research on abuse, and I don't think of him as a "typical" abuser. He is not controlling, he isn't jealous, he is genuinely supportive of anything i want to do, if I wanted to leave him he would accept it. The only issue we seem to have is when he asks for space to calm down after a normal argument, and I can't give it to him.

Has anyone been in a situation where their SO wants to leave and you don't want him to?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: joa021402
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:13am

The shutting out people thing can be another way of being emotionally abusive, in that it withholds affection and yanks your chain. The two questions to ask yourself are these.

1.) What evidence do you have that he truly DOES want to change? By evidence, I don't mean just saying he does, I mean actually going to therapy, taking responsibility for his actions, etc.

2.) Why do you feel that you want to stay with him?

If you aren't able to answer these questions, particularly the first, you would likely be best served to let him walk right on out the door. Many women have trouble getting their abusers out, so you might be well advised to take advantage of the opportunity.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
In reply to: joa021402
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:06pm

I do see your point about shutting people out being emotionally abusive. He tends to only shut me out when he gets really angry, and he is trying to avoid the situation where he might lash out, verbally or physically. Generally, if I can give him a small amount of space upfront, he only needs to be alone for 15-30 minutes which I think is a pretty normal amount of time to cool off. Generally, when I do this I find that I cool off in that time too, and there is a lot less conflict.

1. Why do I think that he actually wants to change? I think that his behavior scares the crap out of him. I believe him that I am the first person he has been abusive too. I'm also his first relationship. He is willing to 100% accept responsibility for his actions. He won't take 100% blame for an argument, which I don't think he should, but he will admit that there is no excuse for his actions, especially if it turns physical. He will talk to me about it afterwards. Not in an apologizing, "hearts and flowers" way but really listen to how I feel, and tell me how he felt, and tell me what he thinks both of us can do to prevent it. As for therapy, no, he is not willing to do that at this time. He doesn't have the highest esteem for therapy, from his limited experience with it. He is not adamant about it, he will admit that he is an abuser, and that it is wrong. But he is not ready to go to that length at this time.

2. As for why do I want to stay? Because 99 days out of a hundred we have a great relationship. Yeah, we fight more than some couples, but I fight with everyone. He's my best friend, my number one cheerleader, and my favorite person to be around. I don't understand the contrast myself. Do I want to stay in an abusive relationship? No. I want the abuse to change. But do I want this person out of my life, no. That is on top of the reality of what a break up would mean in terms of living arrangements, joint accounts, our dog.

I'm really not trying to justify his behavior, I just have a hard time believing that he could be as calculating as the men described in Lundy's book. He is a horrible liar, and always says exactly what he means, even if it isn't the nicest thing. I realize I sound naieve, but I think of this as something we should work through together, as a couple, and get him help. He is a good man, with a bad temper, that occasionally gets out of control, and there is no excuse for that, anymore than there is for a man who gets into a bar fight. I have a bad temper that gets out of control as well. Is it not possible that a man can change?