What to do?
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What to do?
| Sat, 04-29-2006 - 10:15am |
I've been married for 6 years and with my husband for 8 years. Our relationship was never perfect but it got worse after my first child was born 4 years ago - we also have another child age 2. At that time my husband started to be more openly critical of me saying I looked like a "wideload" or criticizing my hair, my body, my personality, my intellect (saying there is no-way my IQ could be over 110). He gets mad at many things I do to the point that I started walking on egg-shells and second-guessing everything I did just desperately trying to avoid his anger or a lecture. He also stopped being affectionate and often talks about other "hot" women. Or tells me about women who flirt with him in the workplace. My self-esteem has been seriously damaged from the criticism and I started to feel very depressed. About a year ago I started to recognize that this was emotional abuse and I began to tell him that he needed to stop. Over the course of the year he has started to realize that his behavior was ruining our marriage and he has made efforts to change. He no longer insults me, and he has tried to be more affectionate. He is still difficult in many ways though and still has a low-tolerance for mistakes and expects me to meet high standards as far as my physical appearance. But the changes are enough that if he did this a year ago I may have been happy. The problem is that its too late. I don't like him anymore. During the last year I've started to crave a healthy and mutually respectful relationship. I realize now I would have been much happier with someone who valued different things. And I can't let go of it. I am unbearably miserable and spend all my time daydreaming about what my life would be like if I were "free". There are occasions when I do enjoy our time together as a family but often I am just going through the motions. My husband tells me that he is happy and he loves me. He thinks that everything is fine now that the obvious insults and fights have stopped. He doesn't realize I stopped complaining because I just don't care anymore.
The idea of divorce though is overwhelming to me because I don't want to take away a two-parent household from my children. Also, I don't believe I would get any support from my family. I also can't bear the thought of disappointing everyone including my husband and his family. But staying doesn't feel bearable either.
What should I do?
ps I've told my husband in the past that I am depressed and want counseling. He is adamantly opposed to paying someone his "hard earned money" to hear about our relationship. He will not pay for it and I am a stay-at-home mother with no income of my own.
The idea of divorce though is overwhelming to me because I don't want to take away a two-parent household from my children. Also, I don't believe I would get any support from my family. I also can't bear the thought of disappointing everyone including my husband and his family. But staying doesn't feel bearable either.
What should I do?
ps I've told my husband in the past that I am depressed and want counseling. He is adamantly opposed to paying someone his "hard earned money" to hear about our relationship. He will not pay for it and I am a stay-at-home mother with no income of my own.

Welcome to the board Elise.....
I used to be a CL on here but now I'm the Co-CL on the Domestic Abuse New Begininngs board. I can tell from the energy in your post that you have been pushed beyond your limitations and that feeling is normal, especially since you have had to put up with for so long.
He doesn't want you to have counseling because it will make you feel better.
I just wanted you to know that you are so not alone. I could have written your post. You have basically summed up my relationship with H with just a few differences ( he doesn not insult my appearance and does not talk about other women ). He was also convinced to try counseling but for years gave the excuse "why would I tell a stranger about my life? what good could a 3rd person do" etc. We did counseling for 6 months and it changed a few things and made life more liveable for awhile but what it didn't change was my feelings towards him, which is where I was hoping I'd get. I like you am just "going through the motions", basically faking my way through my life. NOT the way anyone should live this one precious life that they are given. I also have 2 small children and the thought of divorce is overwhelming but is also the direction I feel I cannot avoid if I want to live a happy, fulfilling life and to also do the right thing for my children. Ask yourself this question: Can I continue to fake my way through this for the next 5, 10, 20 years? The thought of that kills me.
However, it is SO difficult. Especially when the cycles of abuse are so long. Things are great right now for me so it's easier to go through the motions and actually have some "happy" times. But truly, deep down, I'm still so unhappy.
Keep posting here - it's a great place. Everyone here is so supportive and non-judgemental. Hopefully we can all help each other somehow.
Big {{{HUGS}}},
Lisa