what to do about sis's abusing ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
what to do about sis's abusing ex?
9
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:12pm
Hi all,

My sister (28 yo) has just moved back to my parents, finally, after 3 years of living with a psychologically and physically abusive "boyfriend" piece of trash. She's finally confessed to me that he was beating her up (which I suspected all along). I'm so angry at that a**hole that I'm ready to barge over there and kick the living daylights out of him myself!!!

She's left her pet chinchillas there (planning to get them later) and I'm fantasizing about going to get them myself, and punching that f*cking piece of garbage until his head explodes!!! I don't have a police record, I'm an ordinary 31 yo woman with an office job and a quiet life, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get into too much trouble... Heck, a year of prison would even be worth it! At least I could sue him right back and he'd have a record too!!

If I don't do anything (my sis won't press charges, anyway it was over a long period of time, it's not like she can say "yesterday he beat me up, here are the bruises"), he can do that to other women... :(

I'm so angry I'm trembling. "Violence never solves anything", yeah right! If nothing is done that scum can go right ahead and continue to do this to his next girlfriends!!! I'm thinking if I can get him a police record, it will affect his employment, at any rate (I've already got a job and anyway I was moving to freelance full-time soon)

Anyway, it's not even a question for you women, I'm just venting, I'm so angry!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:58pm

Hi Urban -


First I need to ask you to calm down.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:21pm
Hi,

Thanks for the resources, though we're in Quebec, and my sis doesn't speak English so I can't send her here, unfortunately.

As far as my being angry, I haven't shown any of that to my sis, I'm not daft. If anything I go to "counselor" mode when I talk to her, and give her a safe space to talk.

Don't worry about the cutting all ties thing, I'll make sure this happens, and I won't let her go get her pets by herself, my husband and I will go. I've been in a similar situation before with a friend who'd also been with a physically abusive BF and who needed to go get her things out of his place. I forced her to let me come along (even when she kept protesting that surely, this wasn't necessary), and good thing that I did as he was there, waiting for her, and seemed taken aback that she wasn't alone and so did nothing (though prior to seeing me he looked all puffed up and ready to go at it).

*sigh*

Karma is there and all, and I'm sure that my sis's ex will get his karmic due, but meanwhile I worry about the next girlfriend that this a**hole will have. I can't believe that there's nothing to do to alert future victims!

Anyway, as far as my sis is concerned, that's ok, I can find resources and keep on helping her, what I'm really, really concerned about is the fact that this guy can just keep on doing this to others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:25pm
Hi, Urban, and welcome.

Your sister is very fortunate to have someone like you in her life, who is so concerned for her well-being. And, since you *are* obviously so concerned for her (as anyone would be in your position), it is important to focus on "damage control" at this point.

As pissed off as you are (understandably so, might I add!), beating his unholy a$$ will only serve to get him riled up. This is *not* something you want to do to an abuser. I would compare it to poking an already aggressive rattlesnake with a stick -- it's just going to make him even more likely to lash out, and it will be even worse when he does.

Before you say "bring it on, I'll take whatever he dishes out," let me just say this: If and when he does retaliate for anything you do to him, *please* realize that it will not be YOU who he retaliates against . . . it will be your sister. I know that sounds bass-ackwards, but he's an abuser. He doesn't think like a normal person. He will come after her if you do anything to him. Why? Because he already *knows* he can hurt her. And in hurting her, he will be hurting you too, will he not? So, if he comes back on her for anything you do to him, he is just "killing two birds with one stone." He gets to beat up on her again (which seems to be a favorite pastime of his anyway), and he gets to lay the blame for said beating at your feet. DON'T GIVE HIM THE CHANCE!!!

Urban, you are *so* much better than this POS could ever even *hope* to be. Don't sink to his level and, in doing so, risk even further endangering your sister (not to mention developing a criminal record of your own). Go with her to get the chinchillas, take as many people with you as possible (even the police, if you can), and KEEP HER AWAY FROM HIM! Good luck to you, Urban, and let us know how things go. Also, tell your sister that she will *always* be welcome here if she would like to read and/or post.

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:40pm
Hi Emm,

"Before you say "bring it on, I'll take whatever he dishes out,"

You have me pegged... LOL

"let me just say this: If and when he does retaliate for anything you do to him, *please* realize that it will not be YOU who he retaliates against . . . it will be your sister. "

I hadn't thought about that. I'm not so worried about him getting to my sis, as there is no way on earth that my parents and I will let her do that (and from what she told me, she sounds like she's finally ready to call it quits for good too), but what if he just keeps that extra anger bottled up for the next GF...

I wonder if I can call the cops and ask for an escort or something to get her pets (not because I'm worried, but just so that he has a record of some kind), or maybe get a restraining order or anything else that leaves a trace... I'll have to call the police and see about any of that, or if they can't help I'll call the local women's shelters and abuse help-lines and such. There's gotta be something that can be done to warn future victims!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:08pm

Urban, I'm going to see if I can get a hold of one of the former CLs on the sister board.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:17pm
Thanks cl!

One of my favorite charities is a shelter for battered women, so I can ask them too, and I know that there lots of resources out there, I'll get on that when I finish work tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:22pm
Urban,

You are right in thinking that the authorities can be of help here. I'm not sure how things work in Canada, but where I live (in Pennsylvania), the police *will* provide an escort for victims of abuse to retrieve their belongings. If I were you, I would *definitely* look into that option. Make sure your sister *fully* explains to the officer *why* she needs the police escort and what her ex is capable of.

Also, it's not completely out of the question at this point for her to be able to obtain a restraining order. Again, I'm in Pennsylvania, so I don't know what Canadian law is like, but Pennsylvania law allows you to file for a restraining order at *any* time based on past abuse. (I'm a paralegal, so I know a little bit about this.) In other words, your sister might be able to obtain a restraining order based on the fact that he has abused her in the past and she's afraid of his retaliation now that she has left, and now that she has to return to get her belongings. Now, they may only grant her a temporary RO, but at least that's something, and it would show up on his record (most likely).

Just some things to think about. Good luck!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:51pm
Salut, Urbanmuse. Comme certaines d'autres l'ont dit, ta soeur a bien de la chance d'avoir une soeur comme toi. Le fait que tu la crois et que tu l'appuie l'aidera énormément.

C'est bien que tu as les ressources à portée de la main. Toutefois, si tu as besoin de la moindre chose, n'hésite pas à me le demander. J'habite au Québec moi aussi (à Gatineau), et j'ai vécu de la violence auparavant. Je suis heureuse de dire que je me suis remise complètement des sequelles, et je peux t'assurer que cela est possible pour ta soeur aussi. Ca me ferait plaisir de lui parler si elle a envie de venir ici et jaser. Ou bien, vous pouvez me rejoindre par l'entremise de mon profile (silvermoon458).

Je suis rassurée de savoir qu'elle est saine et sauf chez vos parents. L'important maintenant, c'est que ne demeure pas en contact avec son ex.

Je vais chercher des ressources disponibles sur l'internet en français au sujet de la violence et je te reviendrai là-dessus.

J'envoie une grosse caresse à toi et à ta soeur.

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:59pm
Translation:

Hi Urbanmuse. As others have said, your sister is very lucky to have a sister like you. The fact that you believe her and support her will help her enormously.

I am glad to hear that you have resources nearby. However, if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to contact me. I too live in Quebec (in Gatineau), and I have experienced violence. I am happy to say that I have fully healed and assure you that healing is possible for your sister too. I would be happy to communicate with her (in French) if she wants to come here. You can also reach me through my profile (silvermoon 458).

It is reassuring to know that she is safely with your parents. It is important now that she not have contact with her ex.

I'll look for resources available on the internet in French and get back to you.

Hugs to you and your sister,

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi