What do I do or How do I handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
What do I do or How do I handle this?
6
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 3:18pm

This is the third time I have tried to post today. I can't get what I want to say out of my head and into words. Most of you know my story since I have posted here before. I will have been married 15 years this month, but left in February and was then locked out of my house a couple of days later (that helped me not to go back again). The update is that we have sold our house, just waiting for closing. I know that is a good thing, because I will be able to afford a place of my own now, it is still just sad.
I completely blocked all contact with my stbx. It was so hard not to know where he was or what he was doing or how he felt. Anyway, a few days ago, he went too far. He had been or had someone following me. Well, he swears that I am having an affair and that is why our divorce is happening. So far from the truth. He went too far by changing his facebook name and picture to that of my guy friend and then sending me friend requests and messages the whole time thinking I would think it was my friend (we are not facebook friends). When I clicked on the friend request (just the name, I did not accept the friend request), it took me to my husband's page.

Here is where I need advice.....the settlement papers have been drawn up and agreed upon. He has not signed or sent them back. Since the house sold, I unblocked him from my email address to see if we could nicely discuss when I could get my things. I know it was a bad move on my part, but I am still weak willed. He confirmed everything again that I made the right decision. I received a LONG email about how I had this divorce planned and it was sad that I ran off with another (I am at home everynight at my parent's house.....how sad is that). He went on and on. He said that he just wants me to confirm that what he "knows" is true. In my opinion I think he is holding up the papers until I give in. What do I do? I am not going to lie and confess just to get the divorce. What does he think he is going to gain? My lawyer and his lawyer told my lawyer that at this point it doesn't matter who does what. He still wants control, right? He is still manipulating me and trying to make me feel guilty, right? I called my lawyer and he

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 4:10pm

Im not married and got out before we got marrried (left in February, and we discussed eloping in Aprilish). But, my opinion is that its none of his business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:05pm

Hi;

I agree with

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 12:09am

You need to STOP communicating with him and you need to address everything thru your lawyer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 8:54am

So true, that I am wasting my energy on worrying all the time. I just feel like that I can't go out and do anything, dinner with friends, go to the pool, etc without possibly bringing in an innocent friend in the middle of all of this if "he" finds out. I say this because he sent a facebook message to my friend asking him why he broke up his family (my friend did block him).

I have so many emotions that change daily. I just want this OVER. You all are right, I need to live my life as though it is final and keep myself busy. I am worrying about the dumbest things.

It does get better once I am able to let go of the guilt, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 11:35am

Hi;

Unfortunately you cant control what your ex does with your friends.. You can only control yourself.. you can tell them maybe what is going on and make sure they do block him or whatever. You can get a restraining for yourself and if he stalks them; then they need to get one for themselves.

remember you are in control of your own life. You can go out to dinner and the pool... Its just that you have been brainwashed into this horrible thinking and you need as I say.. To keep healing and get out of the brainwashing system.Yes; This will take time and you are doing well. Dont be so hard on yourself because you have taken big giant leaps to freedom.. Remember there is always a price and a prize at the end. Keep focusing on the prize and I promise it will get better..

Have you read about Stockholm syndrome. not sure it applies to you but its a good read and you might get a few light bulb moments out of it.. and learn something about your old and current situation. Anything to get you through the days and nights ..

I did everything in my power to get my self esteem back; my self worth and my sanity and become healed and whole again. It took awhile but it was so worth it.. Your ex is still able to take up space in your head and you need to remember to not let him.. anymore. I know its easier said than done but it can be done. Many have done it and now lead nice productive authentic lives.

Oh; I do have to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2011
Fri, 06-10-2011 - 1:47pm

Thank you Freeatlast. In regards to him getting a new victim or girlfriend, I have often thought it would be easier on me if he had another woman. I know it will probably hurt a little, but the sick part is at least I will think he is okay (like I should care). I have to get out of the thinking mentality of "how he is hurting", because I forget about how I was hurt and still being hurt.

Funny thing is, my attorney called me today and said that he has requested as part of the settlement for me to give him my rings. Of course, I don't wear them or want them, but he has asked for every little thing down to dividing the silverware. My lawyer told them no and HIS lawyer agreed. The rings are considered a gift and not marital property. I told him if it was going to slow down him signing the papers he can have them. But, then I thought about it while he was talking and I said no. I remembered something.....he used his ex wife's rings to buy my rings. He is being spiteful. I am not going to give into every little request he has.

But, thank you so much for the positive messages and support. It gives me hope that I will get over this hurt and guilt and be happy. I have actually called about a few apartments (still waiting on house closing, but at least it sold). Baby steps.....

God bless you!