What to do with STBX’s sudden show of attention and affection

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
What to do with STBX’s sudden show of attention and affection
20
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 4:12pm

Hello, I was redirected by someone on the Divorce board in this thread:

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Surviving-Divorce-Separation/STBX-received-D-papers/m-p/119546715/message-uid/119546715#U119546715

I had not told the kids, because I didn’t want him to learn from them that we are divorcing.  .  I don’t know how to tell them since he simply says that he is not divorcing and he loves me and he has a good marriage is good.  He is not home day and night, now all of a sudden he wants to go on a vacation with us.  What do I tell the kids?  How?

I filed for D a month ago, but he received the papers this Tuesday.  We are still in the same home, with H sleeping on the couch for months and little communication only when absolutely essential.  I had prepared for every violent possibility, instead he was calm and all of a sudden he is present as a father.  Today he tried to have flowers delivered to me at work.  I had to have a colleague tell the delivery man to send them back.  I got an email proclaiming his love, his kids are the greatest gift he could ever have,  with a veiled suicide threat that his life is not worth living if I and the children are not in it.

 How do you deal with the emotional blackmail?  How can you be sure the suicide threat is just manipulation?

I can’t leave, even temporarily with the kids, I am asking for the house and to stay in the house with the kids until the D is final.  If I leave, it could play against me to have the house, even under temporary measures.  I am the sole financial supporter of the family and our family life is like one of a single mom with a man sleeping on the couch.

Unless he stalls proceedings by saying he wants to mediate, or otherwise, we are scheduled in court in a couple of weeks to arrange temporary measures.  

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Considering that he is in the house and hasn't been court ordered to vacate, I don't think there's a whole lot you CAN do, except to minimize contact with him as much as possible. By sending back the flowers you sent a very clear message that it's not working. Keep conversations strictly to what you need to discuss regarding the children. Basically, just leave your life as if he isn't even there. You might consider contacting a domestic violence advocate for assistance in developing a safety plan should things escalate so that you know what your options are. If he is threatening suicide, personally, I would call it manipulation. But KNOW THIS: If he does choose to suicide, it's HIS choice and HIS choice alone. In cases like his, most of the time, and this is just INCREDIBLY STUPID, they decide, "Well, I'll fix you, I'll just kill myself," hoping to leave you with a load of guilt that will haunt you the rest of your life. Most of the time a person who has chosen to suicide just goes ahead and does it, without all the drama. If he uses that sort of language again, flat out tell him that you are concerned for him and his well-being and that if you hear another veiled threat or reference to suicide you will be calling the police to take appropriate action as he is a threat to himself and needs to be in a hospital. Most importantly though, is a safety plan for you and your kids. I'll be back later to post more, once I've had a chance to read your thread above.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

Hi, happyasme!  I'm glad you found your way here.  This is a safe place, and you'll find lots of support and good advice here.

I'm the one who told you to take the kids and go, because I was worried about you.  So far, though, it sounds like he is going to try to be the wise, loving, reasonable husband who is trying to reassure his over-reacting, overemotional wife: "When you come to your senses, honey, we'll talk this out."

Please make sure you have all your important papers together (out of the house, if possible), and take his name off credit cards and bank accounts, in case he decides to go on a spending spree.  Good luck!

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

Threatening suicide is a form of abuse. My abuser tried this and I let him know what I thought of it and him for doing it. So I agree with the others and want to add by calling his bluff and calling 911 when he claims he is going to do something you will build a paper trail of what he is doing to help you in the divorce and you may need the paper trail to protect the kids from him and this crap.

Please be careful. This is most likely the calm before the storm and when it does not work is when he could get violent. Please always be on the look out for that and stay safe!!


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Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

Thank you all for your support and advice.  

His threats and violence have never been against my person or the children, always manipulation or threatening to break things, put the house on fire etc... 

I have called a women's help line and have gotten good advice.  And slowly prepared things: All the important papers, passports, etc.. and less important papers are out of the house, either at work, or at a work colleague's house, she also offered that we could stay there anytime.  I have a bag with 2 days worth of clothes and toiletries for me and the kids, in the trunk of my car.  The spare car keys are out of the house.  We have seperate banking accounts and I took his name off the credit card.  Anything else?

The flowers were on the pillow on my bed when I got home :smileysad:  .  I was stuck in a convo with him this morning.  I said I didnt want to talk right now, especially with the kids present, but he insisted...  He says its important and we have to talk, but there is nothing to say, he doesnt listen, he's had way too many "another chance".

He is interpreting my filing for D as vengence and only for money.  (He is in big time financial trouble and will most likely go bankrupt.) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi;

I have to say excellent job you did and that is what I call empowering yourself.. You did good and all I can think of right now is do not tell him any of this.. Do not share one piece of this information with him or the kids just in case they might slip and say something.

The other thing I would also do is know where those dv shelters are just in case you need to go there in a hurry with the kids.. I stupidly went to a hotel when I left my abuser and spend too much money and didnt know where to turn..I am n ot sure if they will tell you where they are and I am not sure how that works but I am sure Cajon can tell you.. I know they remain anonymous but I do know there is a domestic violence hotline in most areas.

I used to have my emergency bag packed also in the trunk of my car .. Oh; dont forget any medications and things like that.I might also invest in a prepaid cell phone so nothing can be tracked..

Keep us posted and you are doing well.. Good for you.. so proud of you...

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

I think if their safety or yours is in danger they will not hold leaving against you.

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

I am glad you are prepared, it sounds like you have really good support.

it sounds like he is in a panc.

He is trying to to be nice now because he realizes "Something" is up.

My ex was like this.

Hope everything goes well.

<3

 

 

 

Nightangel
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012

His b-day is today.  A friend of his had planned a surprise party and insisted I go (he has only told them that I am upset because of his financial mistakes)  This friend insisted that I compromise and the insisting tried to make me feel guilty (just like H has been doing for ever)  My DD had an activity she did not want to miss. I was NOT going to penalize her by taking her out of the activity and then going somewhere where they dont want to be,

However, since he is still their father, I asked what they wanted to give daddy for his b-day and we baked brownies and they made b-day cards.  The kids just called me to say the brownies are in the garbage (not thrown away by him, but a friend of his who is doing work on the house), so H asked this friend to dump them :smileysad:  The kids are also now insisting that daddy comes on a family trip we had planned.  It was planned without him, because he is just never there, doesnt care, and when we do plan in him, he cancels at the last minute for work. 

I was expecting a violent reaction to the D papers, which would have made announcing it to the kids easy, well not easy, but I would have had something to start with.  Now with him super nice, insisting he comes with us, doing stuff with the kids, I dont know when and how to tell them.

ArrGGGG.  He just called to ask again if he can come with us, asking why, asking if he can come but sleep in the car.

 

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
With a divorce imminent and the child custody/child support payment agreement upcoming as well, he is trying to be superdad because I will bet you the farm that he is going to sue for full custody so that he doesn't have to pay child support. It's one of the oldest tricks in the book. Start documenting every little thing that shows that you are the primary caregiver in your kids' lives. If he's always out of the picture for work, a judge isn't going to go for that, but this is a show he's putting on now to prepare for the bigger one later. Whatever you do, don't rise to his "bait", regardless of what he throws out there to get a reaction out of you. Just remember, document, document, document, and keep it out of the house, somewhere safe.

Mama Harmony

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

You have the right to say "No"...it is your choice...He is trying to play you, play on your emotions.

It won't matter to you where he sleeps, if he is not there...working you over good.

How nice his friend threw the brownies out...

Nightangel

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