What to do, what to do?
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What to do, what to do?
| Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:09pm |
What should I do? My boyfriend of a year, whom I see everyday has a girl-friend. Normally this would not bother me as I have some guy friends too. The difference is my guy friends that I talk to live in different states. My boyfriend has a friend who is a woman and who is waiting for him to marry her. She won't even date. She calls him and tells him she is coming up for the weekend without even asking if he has plans. She lives an hour away.
What made me very cautious about this friendship is this...I had to go away on business for two weeks. The day I left she showed up....and stayed over at his house for about 5 days. He says it was only two...that she had a migrain and could not drive in that condition...and he had to give her shots in her arm. Honestly, I am thinking if she even knows I exist. Also, he went down to see her for two weddings as friends. I saw some pictures...they look like a happy couple cuddling, dancing, etc. I found one picture of her massaging his feet. He claims she is just a friend and only talks to her every couple of months. She has called him everyweek for the last couple of weeks. When I go home late at night he calls her. Our biggest fight is about her. I am at the point I want to leave him as it seems she is not leaving. I feel like this is a three person relationship! I have told him how I feel and how she makes me feel. THe only reason I found out she spent the week with him while I was out of town....is because I asked him who was over when I heard noise in the background. If I had a guy friend come visit me for a week while he went out of town he would not be happy. I don't know her but I have alot of resentment for her. I don't want to continue this relationship as I picture us married one day with kids. I picture her showing up to see the kids if I go to the grocery store or something. In addition to all of this...I have horrible anxiety and fear when I have to go out of town on business...I feel like she is going to show up. In addition he works from home. I fear that she pops into town to see him for the day while I am working.
What is going on here? I am tired of this situation and he just doesn't see how it has made me feel. When I asked if she saw my picture he says no.
There have been rumors that have surfaced to me that he is gay. I confronted him but he says it is not true and that someone is just saying that to ruin this relationship. Before me he didn't have a girlfriend for 9 years. He does ask me if I can spot a gay man in a crowd, even if he is very manly. The intimacy is very rare for a guy who would be straight. Maybe this girl- friend of his is the person he talks to about his preferences. His family would disown him if it was true. I hope I am not his "cover". He is older and never married. I don't know what to think of all of this.
What are your thoughts....
So I talked to him this weekend. We argued about the situation on Friday and on Monday. He said I could meet her. At this point I have so much resentment for her that I do not with to meet her. She doesn't respect my relationship with him if she knows of me. I am so angry with her that if I met her I would say things that would not be on the "polite" side.
I told him either she goes or I go. He said fine he won't be friends with her if I don't talk to any men including....the mailman or who ever it is as long as he is a man.
I told him that if we were ever to consider getting married....she would have to be out of his life because I wouldn't want her seeing my kids or sending them gifts when I am at work. He couldn't understand how I could say that.
I love him....but not enough to share him with her. If he continues the friendship with her....I will leave him. I don't have any more patience. I simply will not deal with it.
He thinks I am being jelous. I told him he is being friends with her at the expense of my feelings and our relationship. I also told him that we must not be on the same page about our relationship and that he doesn't take it as seriously as I do.
He says if I don't trust him the relationship won't work. Is is simple as that? Does he care to even work to build the trust again? I also told him he is not 16 to use the excuses he uses. He is a grown man!
What made me very cautious about this friendship is this...I had to go away on business for two weeks. The day I left she showed up....and stayed over at his house for about 5 days. He says it was only two...that she had a migrain and could not drive in that condition...and he had to give her shots in her arm. Honestly, I am thinking if she even knows I exist. Also, he went down to see her for two weddings as friends. I saw some pictures...they look like a happy couple cuddling, dancing, etc. I found one picture of her massaging his feet. He claims she is just a friend and only talks to her every couple of months. She has called him everyweek for the last couple of weeks. When I go home late at night he calls her. Our biggest fight is about her. I am at the point I want to leave him as it seems she is not leaving. I feel like this is a three person relationship! I have told him how I feel and how she makes me feel. THe only reason I found out she spent the week with him while I was out of town....is because I asked him who was over when I heard noise in the background. If I had a guy friend come visit me for a week while he went out of town he would not be happy. I don't know her but I have alot of resentment for her. I don't want to continue this relationship as I picture us married one day with kids. I picture her showing up to see the kids if I go to the grocery store or something. In addition to all of this...I have horrible anxiety and fear when I have to go out of town on business...I feel like she is going to show up. In addition he works from home. I fear that she pops into town to see him for the day while I am working.
What is going on here? I am tired of this situation and he just doesn't see how it has made me feel. When I asked if she saw my picture he says no.
There have been rumors that have surfaced to me that he is gay. I confronted him but he says it is not true and that someone is just saying that to ruin this relationship. Before me he didn't have a girlfriend for 9 years. He does ask me if I can spot a gay man in a crowd, even if he is very manly. The intimacy is very rare for a guy who would be straight. Maybe this girl- friend of his is the person he talks to about his preferences. His family would disown him if it was true. I hope I am not his "cover". He is older and never married. I don't know what to think of all of this.
What are your thoughts....
So I talked to him this weekend. We argued about the situation on Friday and on Monday. He said I could meet her. At this point I have so much resentment for her that I do not with to meet her. She doesn't respect my relationship with him if she knows of me. I am so angry with her that if I met her I would say things that would not be on the "polite" side.
I told him either she goes or I go. He said fine he won't be friends with her if I don't talk to any men including....the mailman or who ever it is as long as he is a man.
I told him that if we were ever to consider getting married....she would have to be out of his life because I wouldn't want her seeing my kids or sending them gifts when I am at work. He couldn't understand how I could say that.
I love him....but not enough to share him with her. If he continues the friendship with her....I will leave him. I don't have any more patience. I simply will not deal with it.
He thinks I am being jelous. I told him he is being friends with her at the expense of my feelings and our relationship. I also told him that we must not be on the same page about our relationship and that he doesn't take it as seriously as I do.
He says if I don't trust him the relationship won't work. Is is simple as that? Does he care to even work to build the trust again? I also told him he is not 16 to use the excuses he uses. He is a grown man!

Hi Coco and welcome -
While this really isn't a topic for this particular board (you may want to check somewhere like Mending Broken Hearts), I'll put my two cents in here anyway.
CL-Blueliner4
Maybe yes, maybe no on the emotional abuse, but from what you posted, the guy just sounds like an arrogant louse who doesn't GET you don't date two women at the same time (I dealt with a similar experience last year).
CL-Blueliner4