what do you do when you feel sorry for yourself..

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
what do you do when you feel sorry for yourself..
10
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 12:20am

I know I am lucky than a lot of people in this world..I still got my health, I still got my job..but then why do I feel sorry for myself. A lot of my friends seem happily married, they keep going on family trips everywhere..they have so many friends and they seem to do always fun things..their kids are all social and well adjusted..some of these friends are from way back..that I connected through facebook..some are just people I know..

Noone except a handful know my life and what I am going through..I was ok last week or so..but this week I have been feeling "sorry" for myself..maybe a little alone..No, I still am glad that I left..I hate him..and I have no desire to even talk to him..it is just I feel sorry why I landed with him..and i wish my life was like so many others..

I know..I should appreciate and look at what I have...but still can't help these feelings..what do you do when you feel down? I know it will take time..to start having my own friends, my own social circle..after being in a repressed isolated environment..

DD has been acting up..she now says she will go live with him most of the days..let me see

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 12:44am

A lot of your friends SEEM happily married.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

What your feeling is normal. Your morning the lose of what you should have had. You never had the happy family that you think others have. There was always underlying abuse and even when you seemed happy deep down you weren't even if you hadn't acknowledged the abuse it was there and making part of you not happy. At least that is how abuse seems to work. It is there below the surface and effecting how we really feel way before we realize it.

When I feel down I annoy my self because I get upset with myself for feeling that way but like I said it is normal especially when you first leave. I will also think back to how things were with him and remind myelin I would rather be alone then to be with him or someone like him. Right now dealing with my mother is helping me get past the feelings. She never figured out how to let go of the bitterness and move past what happened to her. I am not sure if it has to do with the mental illness or not but at only 51 she is in a very bad place mentally and I think part of it was holding on to what couldn't be and the bitterness. I do not want to end up like her and I know by seeing her life could be worse. She is in a living hell inside her head. I also see people in bad shape medically with the job I do (I am a home health aide). I once took care of a women who was a little younger then me but was a quad due to a car accident when she was 9 months pregnant. Her daughter is healthy and beautiful. This women has a wonderful out look on life even when she is dependent on people for just about everything but she is happy her little girl lived and she is alive to watch her grow. These things do not always pull me out of it right away but they do help.

Your DD is morning the lose of what she thought she had and one day will realize what was really going on. In her mind she can't accept yet that dad is a jerk. That can be a very hard thing to accept. I didn't grow up with my father and he really hasn't been in my life till the last six years. At first things were great then he left my step mother for a monster that has changed him, he is to blame for letting her. I was happy for him when he first left my step mother because they were miserable but with how much he has changed I am no longer am. He has been playing mind games for the last year or so and it took till this crap with my mother for me to give up trying with him. I knew he was behaving badly but I still wanted my father in my life and kept trying. Now I am done and he can come to me, which he won't but I will survive it. Just trying to point out even when we know dads a jerk we still want him not to be and it has nothing to do with mom.

Your the bad guy because you put up with it for so long that she can't understand why you couldn't keep doing so. One day hopefully she will .....................

Just remember what you are feeling is normal. Stop beating yourself up over feeling normal because it only makes it worse and find a way to make yourself feel better!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'm in the same boat.

sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 11:24pm
thanks for all the replies..i know the exercise thing is a good idea..I need to lose like 20 lbs anyway..right now I am past the feeling sorry..to feeling guilt..I just want things to be smooth..and get it over without too much conflicts..Ah..to be like maria shriver..she goes out gets a 10m house and files a divorce to get 100s of millions of settlement. If I had ok money, I would just forget all the divorce process..and get on with it. Unfortunately, I dont and he wont make it easy. At the same time, I cannot tread aggressive as it affects DD..at least for now..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

It sounds like he's leaving you alone though right?

sweets35
Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

yes, he is leaving me alone as he thinks "I am the one who is nuts"..and I should have let things be for the next few years..and thanks to me, my dd has to do two homes in the last few years she is at home before college. My problem is she is over influenced by him, maybe it is a dad-daughter thing..or like queenbrat said, children always want good relationship with their dads however the dad is. And like i said, when he is in mood, he spends quality time. But right now, I think he is "brainwashing" her and she calls me the bad guy too..and she wont go to therapist..and I am scared to stir the pot as only now she is again somewhat ok as she feels he hasn't abandoned her (so no talk of any extreme stuff from her..). And I am just on pins and needles as I dont want to do much to get her to flip either. I am at this point just hoping in time, she will see it for what it is..You were correct in one way..either way is bad for me. But one thing though, I do feel mentally free and I am no longer working 24/7 and been subservient..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 12:44pm

Maybe DD needs to SEE you being agressive!

Avatar for winter2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2006

thanks..I have progressed from being sorry for myself to sorry for him and the whole thing. I know we always write in this board when we have the bad incidents..So people don't get to see the hyde (good) that was in him and that's why it made it difficult..I was thinking of the old times..we travelled a lot, we had not much money, we were students..I celebrated his first car, his first job. When I had accidents, illness, he was there..even as late as 4 years ago when I had a car accident. He waited on me head and foot. Yes sure there were red flags in the beginning that I ignored..it didnt get worse until after dd was born..he then expected me to be the full time work outside and home. There was always the need for him to have things 'perfect',the right food on table, and no personal time for me. Anyway..you guys know the story. I tried many years to go even Marriage counseling and all that ..but it was always my fault, I made him do this, I made him angry..I overreact..I think things got worse also because he became an authoratative Dad..expecting this and that from her and I was the mama bear..and that made him mad..

Anyway..just reflecting..there were good times and good memories and he had a good in him..but it got worse..especially in the last couple years when he knew I was checked out..he became more verbal and more dominant..It is just sad...if only men like him do get counseling right at the beginning, maybe things would have been better..it is interesting, he used to admit he has 'anger issues' few years back..and now no. Is it that they go worse as the years progress?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

well? You are entitled sometimes to feel sorry for yourself. Its part of life. Just try and not dwell on that.

I feel sorry myself here and there as you know from my other post.

I too wish that I had a nice man who I could rely on and talk to and have a relationship but its not happening ..

Most people have selective memory as human beings .. We tend to only remember the good times and that is what gets us into trouble. In saying that you need to be careful in that you dont start slipping back into it wasnt so bad and this or that. You know this as you have experienced these feelings before right? I mean that is why women go back to their abuser. Its just statistics that a woman will return to her abuser like 7 times or something before she totally makes a clean break..

Me and my ex traveled alot. We had alot of fun and I had a pretty good life..

We lived in a nice house and when I worked my money was mine to do what I wanted with but behind closed doors there was the abuse going on..

So instead of blaming yourself for anything. Be proud that you had the courage to get out and be proud that you work and put food on the table and take care of your daughter.

Be proud that you had the guts to be married to an abuser and you took all of his crap.

Be proud that you have the courage to move forward and be independent and not rely on anyone for anything.

Be proud that you are fighting for your life and dd's life and that you didnt let your ex bully you one more day.

There is so much for you to be proud of yourself for and that will take awhile.

Avatar for queen_brat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

You are not to blame for her having two homes that would be her fathers fault for the way he treated you!! Of course he had his good moments. Most do! I have good memories of my ex but that doesnt change the fact that he's a monster and tried to kill me in front of our son. Or the fact that after


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