What do you think of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
What do you think of this?
15
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 11:07am
hi, ive posted on here before, but I need some advice and support.
I've been in a relationship for several years. When we first got together things were amazing, but a couple of years into the relationship, he began verbally attacking me, then after awhile it got physical (this is really hard to admit). He used to push me around and hit me for stupid things like I would get nervous when I drove and make mistakes or turn on the wrong street or exit and he'd hit me. Or one time he gave me something to put in the dryer for him and I forgot to check the pockets and his clothes got stained and he would hit me. He used to hit me a few times a week when I did something wrong. He constantly used to call me stupid and good for nothing. I believed him, and I still do.
Now it's been about 6 months since the last "attack" and he's stopped I can tell. Now that he's stopped the last 3 years are starting to take their toll on me. I live in constant anxiety and depression. I can't snap out of it, my heart is always pounding. I'm always nervous and I can't ever relax. I don't want to have sex anymore. My question is did I deserve to be verbally and physically attacked just because I did something stupid?
I have no self worth and I'm getting really desperate. When he asks what's wrong,I don't know what to tell him (I know its because of how things have been for the last few years)he doesn't want to talk about the past now that he's stopped being abusive, he says he didn't ever leave bruises, or he tells me not to dwell on the past.
My question is, Why am I just beginning to feel this now? When the abuse has stopped. I haven't admitted this to anyone, I'm too embaresed. the verbal attacks still occasionally occur (once every 3wks to month) it hasn't gotten physical in a long time, but I'm scared and I don't know what todo.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:44pm

Lets just start off by saying that nobody deserves to be physically abused. Everybody does stupid things... especially driving.. I always make mistakes, and you DO NOT deserve to be hit or pushed.

I totally undertand how it is so difficult to admit that he has been physically and verbally abusive. It took me awhile to admit it too.. but the first time I did admit it, it was on this board and it was such a relief to get it off my chest. The people that will understand the most of what you are going thru have also been in an abusive relationship. I never wanted to admit to my parents or friends that my X was verbally abusive because I did not want them to dislike him, but once I did tell them it was once again such a relief.

It seems from what I read that you are very unhappy in your relationship. Have you thought about breaking up with him (or are you living together... or married??) You will realize when the time is right and when to move on. Honestly, to me, It seems that you have really lost who you are... and you have let him control you even though you probably don't know how they did. I used to hate it when my family or friends would tell me that my X was controlling me... and I never understood. I finally did realize and I got out of the relationship. Abusers have a way or doing things, and switching things around to be your fault, when reality is that you know that it's not your fault... BUT you then start to not want to disagree because then it will lead to another fight! I went thru this, and it drove me nuts! Have you thought about going to see a counsellor to help with all this that you're going thru??

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 4:41pm
Thank you so much for answering lauren. Honestly sometimes I feel like I want to leave, but i'm not ready yet. He has stopped the physical abuse, I feel like that should have been my reason to leave, but now that it has stopped I don't have a good enough reason to leave. He has never disrespected me in public.
He still verbally attacks me when he feels like i'm doing something too slowly or stupidly, he says stuff like "get your head out of your ass and stop acting like an idiot". Maybe there is something wrong with me and how I approach things, I know I'm disorganized and scatterbrained. I hate myself so much, and I really feel like i've lost myself. I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I went to see a psychologist a few months back, all she said was that I was an extremely sensitive person and that this wasn't a good relationship. I still love him, I'm just so depressed, i've lost hope and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like i've tried conselling, it really didn't help and this really discouraged me.Another reason why I don't want to leave is because all he has is me. He dosn't have a very good relationship with his family and he doesn't have friends (neither do I). If he lost me, he wouldn't have anyone. I love him and don't want to hurt him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 8:54pm

I totally understand you saying you are not sure if you are ready to leave. You will realize when you need/want to leave - something will just click and you will say that you have had enough. No matter how many people maybe tell you to leave, you will not leave until you are ready. You also said that you have lost yourself and in order to find yourself again you cannot be in a relationship where you cannot be yourself... Meaning an abusive realtionship. Are you walking on eggshells, making sure you don't say the wrong things, or do the wrong things?

Another thing.. Just because he doesn't physically abuse you does not mean that the abuse is over. You did just say that he still verbally abuses you and that is wrong and very unhealthy for YOU. Being disorganized or a scatterbrain is part of YOU.. it is one of your personality traits....This shows me that he does not respect you for who you are. I'm sure I have some pretty annoying traits, but that is who I am and you have to accept me for who I am - both positive and negative personality traits.

If you want to try seeing a psychologist again, you should try a new one because it sounds like the last one didn't work out too well. I actually got a name of a lady from my doctor for someone that I should go see... so maybe you could try that?

Of course you love your significant other, there is no doubt about that in my mind because you are still with him. He must have some great qualities about him that you were drawn too. I am too still in love with my X for only the positive traits...not the negative, abusive parts.

You are a very caring and thoughtful person to be only thinking of him if you do end up leaving him. I know it's very difficult - but you need to think about yourself and your well-being. It is a very tough decision, and of course you don't want to hurt him. But again, you need to start thinking about yourself and be very selfish.

I remember somebody telling me....When I said how I am scared to break up and I don't want to break his heart, he is my best friend and I love him... somebody told me well you know what he doesn't really have a problem hurting you and breaking your heart. Best friends do not do that to you, best friends are there for you, best friends do not hit you or yell at you, they are there for you....

Again, you will realize when the time is right. A great lady that I know told me that. She knew what I was going thru, but she knew that if she kept telling me to leave and leave I would never listen... You need to listen to your gut...

Good Luck. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 12:58am
Being on edge constantly is what started my getting out process. I'd always be full of anxiety when he was in my house. What if my phone rang? If it was a friend, we just had to be talking about men. Going out w/ him was terrible. Could never be relaxed. Whether a store or bar enviroment, he'd always end up accusing me of looking at someone. Hello, am I supposed to walk w/ my head down. As one person said, you will know when you've had enough. For some reason it takes us a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:39am
Thanks lauren :-)
I really appreciate your advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 10:49am
It seems like we have a higher tolerance for these things. Are you feeling better now that you've left him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Thu, 08-17-2006 - 1:58pm

Hi Rosie....

I have only been out of my abusive relationship for about a month. I did live with him for about 6 months, then in July it got really bad. I lived with a couple friends for a week, then moved to my own place on July 15th. I feel great now that I am on my own. I get to do what I want and when I want to do it. It is such a relief. I do not have to 'walk on eggshells' around him anymore worried about what I say, or what I do, or anything... I get to do things MY WAY and not feel bad about it!! I am learning a lot about myself, and am alone a lot - which is great. I need to find myself again, because I did lose myself while I was with him.

All i can really say is that I feel wonderful and free!! Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 7:07pm

Hey Rosie, welcome.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:05am

PTSD. Post traumatic Stress Syndrome. Thats why.


Please get yourself into counseling with a QUALIFIED DV counselor. For YOU, not him. & take care. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 1:11am

Ok, #1. That psychologist sucks. They obviously have not a CLUE to DV. Thats why you need to contact your local DV shelter or womens center. Ask THEM who to see.


& #2, I know *ALL* about staying b/c you are "all he has".

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