what is going on???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
what is going on???
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:46pm
My daughters are not wanting to sleep alone, they want to be with each other. They cry and throw a fit--which is totally not like them. Also I wanted to shop at the grocery the other night and my oldest daughter threw such a fit and said she was coming with me no matter what...when we went I asked her and she said "I don't want to be alone with him." I asked her all the questions but she denies everything except that he yells at her alot...I don't know lately I have this on edge feeling like something dreadful is about to happen but maybe I am just imagining.

He also says I am lesbian because a girl I work with called me to talk. He says she called me her lover(which is not true at all) now he is saying if your going to do it with a girl at least let me see. WHERE IS HE GETTING THIS...I am far from liking women. I am confused and needless say a little angry at him for even saying that.

He is working out more and more and now taking showers everyday---before he would go a week or more without taking a shower until I pestered him to death to get in and take one. Is there someone else??? I am spinning and living on edge. I know I should not feel scared but some nights I lay there and a chill comes over me and I feel like something evil is going to happen ...it never does so maybe I am imagining once again.

I wish I had answers....

thanks for letting me vent
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 5:58pm
Warning, Warning, Warning.....Traumanurse, did you read my reply to both your posts on the archived board? I am no expert, but I have been in your daughters shoes! Please, please, please listen to your gut instinct. Heed the warning signs your daughters are displaying!!!

Speak to a sexual abuse counselor immediately and ask them what they think. Ask them how to handle the situation. TELL someone who can help you to help your daughters. I can't stress this enough. Please be strong, be brave, and get help with this.

Hugs to you and your daughters, Joyce

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 6:39pm
Believe it or not, the lesbian comments are very common for abusers to use to try to keep you from having friends. I've seen many of them use that. He's not getting it from anywhere, he's just making it up to make you too uncomfortable to be friends with this woman. Trust me, this woman didn't say any such thing to your husband. He's just a typical abuser. Nothing special about him. As far as your daughters, he's doing something directly to them, and as a sexual abuse survivor, I'm almost positive it's sexual. The girls are expressing their angst to you, but they can't tell you because he's threatened them and they're too terrified of the consequences of telling. My abuser used a gun to keep me from telling. I was 7 years old when he started. Pedophiles use threats from "the police will take you away and you'll never see me or your mother again" to "I'll kill your mother if you say a word" to "I'll kill your sister if you tell". You have a desperate situation going on there. NEVER believe or trust an abuser at their word on something. They're the most deceitful, sneaky people on the planet. They don't say things because they're true. They say them because they gain something from it.
Avatar for piazza31
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:14pm
gentle hugs to you and your daughters traumanurse...I don't know what else to say except I hope you are all in counseling--get help fast if you can! we are here for you! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:48pm
Something has happened to terrorize these girls.Either he has threatened one or both,one or both witnessed,saw something that he was doing,and could have possibly yelled at them for seeing him,threatened them in some manner that way or he's exposed himself to one or more as he has been doing to you of late,gone into one of the girls room at night to do something that now has terrorized one or both,and yes,I would have to wonder if it is not sexual abuse.

In any case,this is not a reaction of what daughters should be feeling in the safety of their home.They should be feeling secure...with either parent,not afraid,and sleep the sleep of innocence.Something is wrong and they are letting you know it.

They are joining together to seek the only protection they know of right now.In their minds,if both are together,either he won't do things,or either it won't be as bad...but they are depending on each other for that comfort of safety.One does whatever she has to do in order to go with you so as not to be alone,verbalizes she does not want to be alone with this man,and then tells you the safest thing she knows to tell you without serious danger to her...he yells.She would know this is safe to tell you,for she is living in a house that has abuse in it,yelling goes on.

As for the lesbian comment.This is something that is common.One reason is to isolate(tactic)you from having friends.The other reason is that it is a manipulation tactic to have you 'prove' to him that you are not lesbian.In other words,it is a tactic to manipulate you into appeasing with sex.If a woman who hears this feels emotionally threated that the man thinks she is a lesbian,and that something is 'wrong' with her,she doubts herself sexually,womanly,and tries to prove to him she is not.

Just my thoughts.My best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 5:55am
Trauma honey I agree, get you and the girls into some councelling fast. I don't know what else to say other than my thoughts and prayers are with you and the girls. With your H's behaviour lately i am sure they are clinging to each other to feel safe. Please, like the othrs have said, listen to your gut instinct. Will either of the girls talk to you about it?

hugs trauma and I am thinking of you


Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:40am
I agree with above replies. From what you're saying, there is a very strong possibility that he is sexually abusing your daughters. If he isn't, he's very close to doing so. If they don't want to sleep alone, it is probably because he is sneaking in to their bedrooms when they are apart. By sleeping together they are trying to protect themselves. I'm sure that he has threatened them with some sort of punishment if they say anything to anyone. If they are clinging to you, there is a reason. Please, please, please seek help in this!! Call a shelter, find an abuse counselor for you and your daughters, please stop trying to deny what is going on. I know you've said that you've left before but can't find the strength to leave now, but now is when he is abusing all, not just you!

You cannot control this man, stop trying to figure him out, you already know the answer.

You cannot fix this, you cannot change him. You have to get help for yourself and your daughters before this animal hurts you and your daughters anymore than he already has. If you are fearing attack while you sleep, what the heck are you still trying to understand? Please take action while you are still able, this is not getting better it's sliding downwards quicker than you can stop it.

He has gotten you so exhausted you are not able to see clearly. Please Trauma,,find trained abuse help now while you can and before anyone gets hurt physically. The mental abuse is escalating, and now there are warning signs that physical sexual abuse is very possible. If you can't find the strength for yourself,,please find the strength for your daughters safety and welbeing.

Avatar for cl_mizlizzy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:53am
Hi Traumanurse.................................................

Everyone says it so well above. Your daughters need help and support too. They are suffering from the abuse, directly and indirectly, and the damage is tremendous. They are majorly signalling you, and "crying out for help". Please do seek counseling for them, as well as for yourself.